Christmas blues

So Christmas is almost here and recently I was thinking how I'm just not ready for it. The decorations are up, and the gifts have been purchased. The music is playing in the car and the kids are super stoked and can't stop talking about the holiday. But when I think back to when I was younger, it used to feel that Christmas had me. It filled me up in ways I can't really describe. And being a kid who was bullied my whole young existence, it made me feel super euphoric at the thought of all that time off from school and not having to be around the people that were hurting me. I always felt that no matter what happened, it didn't matter because it was Christmastime and that would make everything OK.

I was blessed to have parents that worked hard to give me a good life and I am grateful that we always had food on the table, I always had clothes on my back and I always had an amazing Christmas. The lights sparkled so bright it covered up the complicated parts of life. The pictures of Santa and all the many decorations hung up around the house covered up the ugliness of stress, and reminded me of the happiness the holiday would bring. Even for only a short time. But as I have gotten older, that part of Christmas; the part that is so full of stress and responsibility has taken it's toll over the years. Now that I have a family of my own, I am the one who has to give Christmas to others. And please don't mistake me, I am honored by this. There isn't much that compares to the joy and warmth the holidays bring to my babies. Listening to their excitement just taking the tree box out of the closet to put up and decorate(I'm a fake tree person). Or their back and forth banter about Santa, Christmas Lists and where the elf is. There is so much to be grateful for. And I have accepted, even if reluctantly at times, that I have to now create that magic for my family even when I feel like I can't because of the pressure. But adulting during the holidays isn't always a ball of fun. Not only because of the normal daily struggles(money, kids, marriage, family issues) but now the pressure of also manifesting the magic for my family when all I want is to not grieve for my Mom who has a rare form of young onset dementia and is progressing by the month. What I wouldn't give to reminisce with her about when I was little and laugh about things I did to drive her crazy around the holidays but she barely even stays on the phone with me anymore as she can't speak well and doesn't have the attention span. And maybe the holiday would sparkle brighter for me, if I could just sit with all my brothers and sisters and their families in one state and have a family meal together. Especially after we lost a 2nd sister this August(the 1st was in September of last year). And as lovely as it is sitting in front of my Christmas tree and looking at all the amazing ornaments while my kiddos are running around and playing, it would be super awesome if I weren't still grieving the loss of a friend that passed away in May. I realize these things are all a part of the great circle of life. And I also understand that things can always always be much worse.

Which is why all of this makes me appreciate all the more, and miss so much the magic that my Mom and Dad manifested into my life. I miss my Mom waking me up in the middle of the night to go play in the snow and then come in for hot chocolate before going back to bed. Or her and and My Dad and I watching all the Christmas shows we had recorded on a vhs tape. A Charlie Brown Christmas, Emmet Otter's Jugband Christmas, Mickey's Christmas carol, Frosty the snowman and so on. Helping my Mom decorate the house and the tree. (If you're wondering where my Dad was in all of this he was usually at work, but he did do all the heavy lifting). On Christmas eve we always went to my grandma's house for dinner and to exchange presents. All of my Moms siblings were there and with their families and we always had a blast. The adults would drink and laugh and get silly and all us cousins would chill out and watch TV or chat in the living room. Then on Christmas morning I wasn't allowed to get up until I yelled through a vent connecting mine and my parents room to ask if I could get up. My Mom and Dad always wanted to see my reaction to all the presents under the tree. After presents was breakfast and at some point my stocking stuff. My Mom always made a big dinner, and my uncle who still lives downstairs from them would come up and we'd eat together. Sometimes one or more of my Moms siblings would come as well. Everything was awesome. It feels like yesterday.

I am so beyond grateful that I got to experience those Christmases. And despite life and all its complexities and all my feelings I know that I will still do my very best to create that magic for my family. Because thinking about it, I'm positive my Mom and Dad were dealing with life and issues of their own around the holidays but still pushed through for me knowing that time if fleeting, and dammit well sometimes we just have to do what we have to do. So for me, I am having a rough go of it and I will somehow pull that Christmas spirit right on out of my butt. And get by knowing I still have so much to be grateful for. I have people that love me, my babies, a roof over my head, and food in my belly. So dammit I will make that magic for my kids. I will play and sing those Christmas songs, watch the shows and show my kids that they too can have the kind of Christmases they will remember for their whole lives. And I'll save the rest for my therapist. Merry Christmas!!

Moving on(a song)

On to the next town
On to the next town

Here we are, moving on again.

On to the next place
On to the next place

Here we are, starting o'er again.

Sometimes I just wish we'd settle down. Instead of always running toward the next dusty ground.

Cuz I feel more lost each time
Tired of leaving love behind.

On to the next space
On to the next space

How are we to move on again?

On to the next road
On to the next road

How are we to start o'er again?

Lord knows we've had our share of pain.

But he also knows that it's taken its toll and I just don't feel the same.

And I know I need to go
But there are things you need you to know.

Thank You for the good and bad times we got through. Thank You for always sticking beside me all year through. 

Because that's what we always do. 

Life together with our family and me and you. 

On to the next town......(whisper)On...to the next town......

V2019

Drained

I have a lot on my plate, to say the least. On top of which I am not where I'd like to be health wise. At all. I mean when I think about a time that I was in shape, there was more time, no kids, a full time job to keep me busy and not eating really. A lot of what kept me in shape was activity, busyness, being young and full of energy and to look cute for boys until I met my husband. I wasn't invested because I understood the food pyramid ratios and carbs and sugar. I always just ate what I wanted and was just so active it didnt matter. And the activity was available because I didn't have kids!. But over time up and down with weight. Then just gaining and gainingand gaining. Then mental Illness was diagnosed. Then kids(3), stresses of moving multiple times, deaths, marriage issues, then with weight gain comes physical health problems. Knee surgery, Inflammation, arthritis diagnosis, reflux, medication changes, carpal tunnel syndrome, IBS, and now the cherry on top? Mild Obstructive sleep apnea. In one word, "exhaustion". It has not gone away.  No amount of caffeine has helped. Diet changes have helped and so did sleep(some) but I'm in the vicious cycle of being alone at night is peaceful. But no matter what dietary change, I can't seem to stick with it. The fundamental problem here is, I know what I need to do to feel better. I do.I am aware and full of insight. But why can't I stick to it? Partly because one thing I was also never taught was telling myself no. Health wasn't talked about in my house until my father got diagnosed with diabetes.And then only when my Mom would scold my Dad for eating too much junk but then go and eat cookies at midnight. Health wasn't about "It's important to eat X amt of protein, X amt of veggies, fruits etc". In my house we snacked. A lot. Also at night. And all of those things are OK. In moderation. But there wasn't a lot of emphasis on going to the Dr regularly either. Or the dentist. Which are important. And don't be mistaken. I am not blaming. But how you were raised and what kind of foundation you had as a child is very difficult to break and to change. Even if it means your very life. I don't know how to go backwards. I can only forward. If GOD allows. And all I can expect from myself is to try my very best to change the pathways that were set for me, because I know I am capable. But I have to do it for me. I have to do it for me to feel better again, and to keep on for my family. And because that is the answer. Isn't it?

Namaste

Virginia

How?

How am I to cry if I am expected to see everything, all the time?
How am I to allow myself to fall, when I am expected to walk a hundred miles?
How can I express emotion, when I have to be strong for everyone else?
How can I accept, when I wasn't given a choice to begin with?
How can I be there, when my heart wants to be elsewhere?
How do I keep moving, when I am so weakened by loss?
How do I catch my breath when I keep getting hit as hard as I have been?

How does one live with such loss without the pain sinking deeper still? I seek GOD. And his forgiveness for saying it's not enough. The time. It wasn't enough. It never is. I am in awe of this grief. In complete awe.

And I see no relief in sight.

Too quiet

It's too fucking quiet around here. My children are all in school.

I hate this shit.

What shit you ask? This part of motherhood. The part when your kids are around you and driving you up the wall forcing you to yearn for peace and quiet. To be alone even for 5 minutes. But then when they aren't there and you finally have that peace and quiet you so desperately wanted and feel you deserve, all you can think of is how much you miss them! 

It's like, "WHAT.THE.EVER.LOVING.FUCK??!!!" You know?! I mean this has to be in the Diagnostic and Statistical manual of mental disorders.

Repeating yourself about 15 times when answering a question, speaking constantly(often to yourself) because your children aren't listening at all. Oh how about that ever loving game of "It is zero hour(bed time), and Mommy you just HAVE to find that fucking tiny piece of crap toy I haven't used in 8 years or else I'll just die!" Gaahh!!! 

Have any of you ever stepped on a Lego?! Fuck off with those damn things! Oh wait. Cleaning something up for them to just somehow mysteriously walk over and spill something on the very spot you just cleaned like 2 seconds ago. Is that the universe laughing it's ass off or what?!! The whole phone thing. Not one word from any of them. They are all lost in the recesses of my house. Hiding away in crevaces with a tablet or playing with something. As SOON as you start talking on the phone the universe sets off the telekinetic alarm for the kids to come out and ask you for 9567 things that you are going to say no to. Then finally you have to apologize to the person you are speaking to on the phone so they don't think you're having an exorcism moment. So many things right? Like for real kid? I didn't know I was fat, thank you for poking at my love handles(getting dressed and/or coming out of the shower) and asking why I have those. My kids like to hear my teeth crunching together when they've told me they want to eat something, I make it, and then it's "I didn't say I wanted that". (eye twitching). 

All that shit is enough to make you drink a whole fucking bottle of wine. Not a glass or 2. A bottle. Because the sheer energy it takes for you to hold back all of the curse words.......just...yeah. 

So yeah, this love/hate thing with being a parent? Being a Mom? is a big bitch. A nasty, foul creature of a bitch that sometimes feels impossible to deal with. Which is probably why I'm in therapy every week. Is it a wonder I can't consistently shower? I sometimes give myself such shit about being "put together". Like telling myself "I need to do my makeup", or "I need to shave my legs". But why? I'm exhausted don't you see?! Ha! Like permanently crazy and exhausted. And I could continue on about the plethora of things that are difficult about being a parent. And how you really can't know what it will be like unless you actually do it (which is frankly, true). But once all that has worn away, and you have finally had a few nights of uninterrupted sleep, and a few bottles(err, glasses) of scotch, I think what it boils down to is having kids is just like being in a relationship with someone. But in this case it's with littler people that you can't like, give back, or sell or something. It's a messy business. And truth be told I don't need any help in the mental illness area because I have the diagnosis already. 

But you know...as much as these kids test my patience, my fortitude, my energy level, and my sanity; there is one thing that they keep golden. One thing that amongst it all, they nurture, and teach, and deliver every.single.day. 

My heart. <3 

-V

Unconditional Love (A Tribute)

I can't sleep. As a matter of fact I am sitting in the dark typing this with tears streaming down my face.

She is everywhere. In the thousands of gifts she has given us; in the places in our house where memories were made with her. She is all over the apartment she lived in downstairs. Her knick knacks, clothes, even her makeup. Everything is exactly where it would be if she were here still walking around yelling at my father in law to get off his ass and do something. She is in my daughter's face as she shares her nose and eyes. Tears. Who is this "She"? She is Lorraine. My Mother in Law. Although after 20 years, she is my 2nd Mom. I still can't believe she is gone. We all knew it would come. But you can never prepare yourself for the black hole that shows up to take the place of the person you once knew.

I go through all the normal responses in my head. "She's at peace". "She's not suffering anymore".  "She is always with me". "She's with her Mom, her sister and her best friend and cousin that she has missed for so long". I know all of this.
But I've known this woman for 20 years. I remember walking into her house when I first went to meet her and the first thing she said when she looked at me was "Who's this Tomayta'?!" That's just who she was. Just straight up and you just better get used to being an asshole. 20 years is a long time. A lot of ups and downs, a lot of birthdays, and Christmases. A WHOLE LOTTA shopping, and dinners and parties. Several moves, and many, many disagreements. "Fighter" is an understatement. For years I would even have arguments with her in my head (my OCD didn't help). Most of the time I just chocked it all up to different generations, different struggles, different likes and opinions. And even though we frequently butted heads about everything from what to name my kids to what I had in my china closet, she sort of forced her way into my heart. She was one that if you are a part of her family, dammit you are going to talk to her whether you like it or not. She didn't let any time go by before reaching out, even after an argument. If my husband and I didn't call her often enough she would leave us messages saying "Is your finger broken"?! Ha! She knew how to press everyone's buttons. But the majority of the time we would end up talking it out, apologizing and saying we loved each other. She understood my reasons and I understood hers. Not always but most of the time. Because after all, she loved us all. Maybe a little differently, but it was love nonetheless.

2 years ago both his parents moved into our home. We moved in August 2015, and they in October the same year. I knew there would be demands, and difficulty. I have 3 children and I was taking on 2 elderly people who were not the healthiest. His Dad had just had a stroke the previous year and as good as he was functioning, he had to step down as his wife's caregiver. So something inside along with Gods divine wisdom made me see that apartment in our basement and say,"Your parents can come live here with us". No hesitation. Why? Because I know how fleeting time is. If they both aren't as healthy as they could be why not invite them to be around their grand babies?. I wanted to help them. Physically, emotionally, maybe even mentally. Even now I know in my heart that I did help them some. Especially her. And I know it was the best decision because she was able to be closer to her grand kids and spend time with all of us as a family. There was never a dull moment. The good, the bad, the ugly, it didn't matter; we did it together. Her and I developed a great friendship. A great admiration for one another. We had many an amazing, truthful and funny conversation during our time together. Which only intensified in the hospitals, rehab and even in hospice.

Which is why, in the face of such loss and grief, I ride these waves where one minute I am angry, but the next joyful. Then I'm quiet and brooding, but appreciating the sunset when I realize again that she is gone. On come the tears. Thank GOD they are interrupted by my children's laughter and arguing. As a reminder that life does still go on. Through this experience I have learned imperative and powerful lessons. Lessons you can only learn after you have suffered, or struggled through something so great there may have been a moment where you fell to your knees and threw your hands up in the air. I have learned Humility and Grace. Dignity and Patience. Gratitude and Perseverance. Resilience....and Forgiveness. All of these I've learned from the blessed opportunity I had of being able to take care of another human being. For someone I care deeply about. It will continue on with my father in law but it's still such a gift.

Above all else however, I've learned about unconditional Love. In all it's unexpected, raw forms. That in the midst of anger, bitterness, fear, and the grit of real life, you "love" no matter what. I'm really going to miss her.

I think back to March 1st. She turned 74 that day. The one thing that I think about that brings me some solice is that despite everything, I am so grateful that we got to take her out for her birthday to celebrate her life one last time. After all she was happy, and with her family. Which I truly believe is how she would want to be remembered.

                          Love You Mom, until we meet again. <3

My words

So I am eating my words today. And they taste like shit. I posted a rant yesterday on Facebook about what we need to do as parents if our kids are being bullied. I was responding to news of a girl who completed suicide because she was being bullied. But when I was faced with something similar, I was left helpless.

My son(6) has anxiety and possibly OCD. I have to take him to get evaluated. Lately he's been acting out and repeating himself constantly even after you have answered him. Both of which he does when his anxiety has been triggered. I attempted to have a talk with him but I didn't get anywhere. On top of the anxiety his reflux(G.E.R.D) has returned after being away for about a month. I know this when he develops a cough that only gets worse with no further "sick" symptoms.

(For those that don't know what reflux is, it's when the stomach pumps that supply the Acid to break down food go into overdrive and produce too much. For some reason this causes the flap in the esophagus to not work properly and open up when it's not supposed to, splashing that acid into the esophagus. It is severely uncomfortable, painful, and can make you physically ill. It causes coughing, burning in the chest, severe nausea and vomiting, severe stomach aches, and headaches and can even make you feel like you're having a heart attack. It's not a virus or a bacterial infection that is contagious and he just started taking the meds to treat it again. I also have plans to take him to get evaluated for possible food triggers/allergies. )

After some fishing last night just before bed, he admitted to me that the kids in his class are complaining and making fun of him because he has the cough. They are acting like he is 'sick' and refusing to play with him and walking away. He made sure to stress walking away. Which to us as adults sound like 'OK so the person walked away'. But to a sensitive 6 year old with anxiety, it's as if he's been abandoned because there is something wrong with him. He then said that in front of the whole class his teacher said to him, "Brendan, if you're coughing that loud you shouldn't be in school". Again, to an adult that statement might come off as "well they think I am sick and they don't want to catch it". But to a 6 year old with anxiety, what that says to him is, "There is something wrong with you and you don't belong here." And that's what he told me he felt. I felt terrible for him.

He claims he has explained to everyone what is wrong with him. That he has reflux and it doesn't affect them but that they just don't care. I think part of that are his emotions talking thanks to his age and of course, the anxiety. But when someone is continually making fun of you even after you have explained you have an illness you are going to think they don't care. Again....he's a kid.

And in the grand scheme of things, maybe the teacher just didn't think before she spoke. But maybe she was already frustrated with him as he can be extremely trying when his anxiety is activated. I don't know yet. I just sent her an email last night. But for my son, at that moment no amount of encouragement, I Love you's or rationalization for his reflux and that it will go away, got through to him. So finally I pulled out the last card I had. I asked him, "Do you love you"? Which I tend to do every once in a while when I am trying to instill that as long as you love yourself you can take on the world.
He shook his head no. And I felt completely deflated. And scared. Because I didn't know what the hell else to say to him except "Take deep breaths, close your eyes and go to your happy place and go to sleep." And of course that I loved him.

My son is 6. And I am scared for him. That is the reality. When he was younger and I realized how sensitive he really is, that fear began. And since then I've done nothing but try to instill confidence, and teach him coping skills for his anxiety and constant worry. But I am now coming to understand that even with the best intentions, some of what we teach our kids doesn't always work. At least right away.

I know exactly how he feels. Exactly. I was bullied from Elementary school all the way up into my Junior year of High School. And when you are in the trenches of whatever it is that you are dealing with. Pain, bullying, even apparently something as simple as a reflux cough. You can't see into the future. One of the biggest challenges of anxiety is that it tells you that your suffering will never go away. I was abused as a child so I learned survival at a very young age. But I can't teach that kind of survival. You have to live it. I am not going to abuse my child in hopes it will make him stronger. I am just not.

In the midst of this I feel as with everything else in life, there is a spiritual/life lesson here. Maybe this is just a part of his journey. Maybe this is his lot to carry for now. I mean, life isn't meant to be easy right? It is life. It doesn't discriminate. If something is going to happen, it's going to happen. And the majority of what determines the outcome is how you can respond. I mean, when you look at the bigger picture, once his meds kick in again things will go back to the way they were when he wasn't getting made fun of for his cough. And maybe he will learn who his real friends are. Or maybe like I was, he will still be friends with them because he is so darned loving and won't let those kids take that away from him(I hope). Only GOD knows. And maybe all I can do as his mother is keep teaching him coping skills. And keep telling him that no matter what happens, he will always have people that do love him and accept him just the way he is.

-V

The new me.

 So I want to talk about my newest venture. I have joined the Origami Owl team! Whoop whoop!! 

This is my 2nd attempt at Independent sales. The first one lasted as long as it took to get the kit, go to 1 meeting and realize I didn't want to sell it. But it was meant to be. It's expensive stuff and I can't see it being lucrative for me personally in the long run as I did not see the point in the majority of the products or the cost. So to say it took some convincing on my part this time around for my husband to get on board, well that's an understatement. And what with my track record and all I didn't blame him. 

This is different!! I told him. And it so is!! One of the best things about Origami Owl is that it's not ridiculously expensive from a consumer perspective. It's not expensive and the quality is there. 
Depending on what people want if you have a base locket you can keep buying and changing out charms over time which are super cheap depending on the season or holidays. It's so worth it once you have a solid collection. And on top of that they just keep coming out with better, more creative, and more personal charms and accessories so the opportunities for the customer and the Designer alike are just endless. In terms of profit, they provide realistic expectations, tons of 'face to face' support and don't just kick you out if you can't or don't want to continue. I was happily surprised at the plethora of information and ways to be accountable and really help yourself to reach even your biggest goals. 

Now I always hated sales. I was semi good at it but always felt guilty making people give me their money. But I do believe that it was because I didn't find a product I was confident in. Or an organization. I am humbled by the 'family' atmosphere of Origami Owl. How even the highest execs aren't really that far away. I'm happy about the online videos motivating us Designers and pushing us to be the best we can be. I'm so overjoyed by this newfound sense of courage I have since joining. I really don't remember ever feeling this way. 

But this company changed my entire view. Simply put I love this company. I also love their stuff. I hope to one day have a full and beautiful inventory and then have a 'personal' one of my own as well.  I am surprising myself every day with my creativity, my willingness to learn new things, and even sad to say my intelligence level. haha!!! I don't say that because I don't think I'm intelligent. I am a stellar intellectual. Ha! 

But the fact is, I have come to understand that for me as a Mom(and a stay at home Mom for 8 years), my brain became mush. Plus with all the lack of sleep over time with kids and just rebelling against the 'Gotta get a good nights sleep because the kids will be up early' well it takes a toll on anyone. I also have a mental illness which kind of got worse over time with having babies but again, this only adds to my confidence. I am a Mom to 3 kids, one with 2 health issues and 2 ailing in laws living with us and in my care A LOT. But since starting this only last week, I feel alive again. I feel needed and productive and have hope that through all the feelings of worthlessness I've felt I have finally reached the top of the mountain. I can finally feel the sunshine on my face as if I were standing right in front of it. I have a business of my own and can stand on my own two feet and proudly say I am going to kill this thing!!!! Woohoo!!!! 

In the meantime if you want to check out my site so you can see what it's like, or even the merchandise please visit me at  www.whatsmystory.origamiowl.com 

Sincerely, Virginia 

'Fire' (Caution:TMI overload)

So I had a crazy dream last night about one of my exes. I dreamed he was in my house visiting. My husband was sleeping and we were just hanging out. I don't even remember how he got there.
Now I knew he shouldn't really be there. But there he was nonetheless. He was still in love with me. I didn't feel the same, but in the dream I was getting off just knowing this. I tried showing him pictures of my kids on the shelves. I wore my pride. He made a face like he didn't want to see the pictures because of how happy I was. Then I went into the bathroom to get dressed because I was inexplicably naked even though nothing untoward happened. I heard my husband come out and assumed he was going to ask my ex to leave. I walk out to my ex getting pretty pissed about something my husband said to him and he punched the stool he was on. And then he left.
In the dream my husband wasn't angry with me for him being there which I was surprised about, but that's where the dream ended. I had 2 but the other is insignificant. Does this mean I am thinking about or wanting this person? No. It does not. Because I don't. But it made me really think about things.

So the one thing about having Bipolar II disorder that can be complicated for some is something called hyper sexuality. It's a wanting. You see someone you want and you have to have it. You crave it. And if you have no self control you just take it regardless of the consequences. This just relates to sex of course but with this disorder, the need for excess in all areas of life come into play as well. But because sex is such a prominent and what can be a dangerous act, it has earned its own category. Bravo sex!

In the distant past of my youth, hyper sexuality was a force that drove me from person to person. Not droves of course, but enough to cause any psychiatrist to see that there was something quite out of the ordinary for a young girl. I started masturbating at age 10(maybe younger).

Hyper sexuality can cause many problems in relationships. It can not only wreak havoc on a marriage but destroy it if allowed to. For me Thank GOD, the only problem it's caused me is 'flirting'. And although that in and of itself is a type of 'offense' so to speak, and has caused its fair share of problems, it thankfully was not a deal breaker. It can still be difficult at times. This illness craves attention. Hence why many celebrities have Bipolar disorder. Living in the spotlight can come quite natural to the hypo manic along with the possibility of being loved by millions. Having 'sex' at your disposal can come pretty 'easy' I'm sure. Pun intended. He he.

The thing is, I personally think that a huge part of it, maybe even 85-90% of the catalyst of this symptom is LOVE. I guess I shouldn't speak for everyone with Bipolar disorder, but when I love, I love hard. When I love, I love with every bit of me. Too hard sometimes. Obsessive, all consuming, sexually charged writhing in agony type love. I'm talking Emily Bronte, Jane Austen, Sylvia Plath type of love. Love letters, longing, romance movie fantasy love. This is in every relationship too. Even friendships. I have fallen for a few friends as well. Some knew, some didn't and never will.

My problem however existed in the amount and kind of love I would receive in return. If I didn't feel the intensity I was putting out, I was already looking elsewhere. This had to do with all of my relationships, regardless of how long or short. You know what I mean. I just wouldn't tolerate anything less than butterflies. Which is a pretty high standard. Almost impossible for some. But I demanded it. I felt like with the fire I was burning, it needed to be tended to. With Bipolar disorder it's not going out, so either you throw in fuel, or you're left behind. I left a lot of broken hearts in my wake. I never actually meant to hurt anyone. It was just my nature to love hard. To love truly and real. There were times I thought I loved someone but they were nothing like I wanted. And I ended up hurting them. I just thought 'It's simple'. I love you, so I just want it in return. Seems like a fair trade no? Not necessarily. Not everyone can keep up. I don't mean that in the nasty sense. I just mean that for some, it's too much. Too deep, too intense, too time consuming, too much of everything! It's sad when that happens even for me because the grieving of that loss brings on depression. I say all that with love too because I don't necessarily cut ties completely if they are friends. Exes yes. Friendships no most of the time. I just stop putting the same amount of effort that I do with my mainstream relationships. I just can't help it. The bottom line is what all of this has led up to is experience.
And whether it's the illness or myself I know I am a complicated mess at times. But I am so so grateful I have the people in my life that I do. Including my husband that knows me, sees me and loves me anyway. Because he is the love of my life. We've been through a lot as you can imagine. But at the end of the day, LOVE really does conquer all. And it's all any of us really, truly need.

-V

5 Things I've learned about life thus far.

So yesterday was my 37th birthday. And although I'm not 'old' per se' (unless you talk to a teenager), I'm not 'spring chicken-ish' anymore. So I figured I'd share 5 major things I've learned in my 37 years on this earth. I'm not a pro at this Life thing by any stretch. But Louis C.K. said it best. He said older people are smarter. If you are in an argument with someone and they're older, you should listen to them. It doesn't mean they're right, it just means their life is rooted in more information than you have. 

The point here is, if I can share my so called wisdom and it helps someone on their journey, then at least I feel like I did something. So...here goes. 

1) Nothing is ever as it appears :  
 After I had my 3rd baby, my sweet boy Patrick, I had a nervous breakdown. I have Bipolar 2 disorder so it was inevitable as I was not medicated throughout my entire pregnancy. I was not educated enough about my disease as it was a fairly new diagnosis and I thought I had my plan down as to how I would handle things. Boy was I in for a reality check. Through it though as with any severe trauma we go through in life, it's a class. And I was the pupil. I connected with people I might have judged pre baby thanks to stigma. Imagine a person with a mental illness exhibiting stigma! As if! The thing is, it's really easy to forget what shit is until you step in it right? So the lesson here is, regardless of what people look like, smell like(hopefully not too rank), act like....we all have our struggles. Never judge someone. Anyone. Because you never know what they are feeling, thinking, going through. You could be passing up a best friend for all you know! That smile you just gave that man in the grocery store could even pull him from the ledge. 

2) Needing a break is OK and does not a bad person make you: 
 So I have a mental illness. We've established this. But even if I didn't, I would say that if you can get a break away from your life, job, kids even for 5 minutes, take it. It's not a crime to need to get away and be alone to hear your own thoughts. I wrote an entire blog about this. We all need to stop and smell the flowers. And it will be in those moments of gathering yourself together and breathing, that you can clear your mind and get back to remembering who you are. Which creates stability, strength, and understanding. It will only make you a better person. So breathe on warrior, while you sip that cocktail. Or coffee or tea or whatever the hell you drink. But in silence.

3) If you have something to say, just say it ! : 
  I've seen a lot of people go through life never telling the truth. Including myself. Before you get all bent out of shape, I don't mean lying. Although I think everyone has had their moments. What I mean is, not expressing to someone such as your friend, family member, co-worker how you really feel. Or what you really think. Whether it be about some inappropriate behavior, how the person was a bit of a bossy ass, or maybe how they might have treated you in a particular situation. Think about it this way. Would you want someone to be honest, with the possibility that it may hurt you, in the meantime teaching you about people or yourself? Or have a relationship where you never really scratch through the surface? Seems like the latter is a bit of a waste of time. I know some of you may be resistant to confrontation. But is it really that? Or are you just afraid to be alone? Hmmm......things to think about. 

4) Change is inevitable, just accept it :
 Boy oh boy, life sure would be a dream if that were true right? I have met so many people who refuse to accept change. Look around. How many people did you see just this morning with the same hair do they wore back in 1975? Probably more than you care to admit. Here's the deal. Our life is a school. We are here to learn, end of story. How are we to do that when we refuse to move out of our comfort zone? When we refuse to crack away the glue (or cement for some) that we have laid down around ourselves? The majority of those people that cling so hard to the past are the same ones who feel 'stuck' in their life. There's a reason. Because they are. The only way to get past it is to have the courage to accept that regardless of what happens to you, everything changes. Hairstyles, society, people, nature,  life, hell, the planet ! On a daily basis ! So instead of leaving yourself behind, get that pick ax out and start hacking away at that cement. Come on out and join us on this beautiful journey and take a shot at being happy. Who knows what might happen. 

5) You are much stronger than you think : 
   I saved the best for last. Lets look at the human body. What happens when you get a cut? Your skin opens, your body immediately goes into 'war' mode. This is a quote straight from WebMD. 

* When your tissue is damaged, a chemical gets released into your bloodstream, and it acts as a distress call to start the process. Cells called platelets rush to the scene. 
Rough edges of the blood vessel wall help them stick together and form a plug, filling in small tears and sending out more chemical triggers. Then proteins called "clotting factors" finish the job, trapping blood cells in a mesh-like net. 

Wow! How awesome is the human body that on a cellular level, it knows exactly what to do to fix itself?!. Does that work for everything in the body? No. But what is does show us is that we are meant to fight. Our evolution has brought us to a place where although we as humans don't always make the best choices, we still, somehow always find a way to survive. And you can too. It's not easy, I know. Not even close. But you can do it! The fact that you are sitting here reading this means that you made it through to another day! Kudos! Give yourself a pat on the back and keep up the good work! Just remember, regardless of your struggles, you are NOT, nor are you ever alone. And despite what you may think, there will always be more. More courage, more love, more strength deep inside of you. Even if you can't see it sometimes. So get your ass up and get on !.....with love of course. 

I hope this was inspirational. And I hope that you are your best self today. Because I am my best self today. And if I can do it, so can you ! 

Namaste'  _/|\_



-V 

10 things I hate about being a stay at home parent, and the 1 thing I don't. (TMI ALERT!)

So....you're a stay at home Mom(Or Dad). And there are days you want to pull your hair out and throw it in a pan and fry it up. But you don't because that smell would just be gross and everyone would vomit. OK anyway here are 10 things I hate about being a stay at home parent and the 1 thing I don't. Enjoy!

1) ' I absolutely hate not being able to poop alone ': I know we've heard all this before. But seriously the other day I was pooping and I had to open the door as the baby was beating it up with a toy and screaming. So if opening the door will shut him up I'll do it. But then my 4 and a 1/2 year old runs in and is yelling in my face about the video game he is playing and what the characters are doing. Firstly stop putting shit in my face and seriously don't you smell that? Doesn't that horrify you enough that you would just stop like you're hitting a wall and be like baaahh!! What is the matter with you? Why are you in here??!!!!

2) ' Picking up everyone's shit ': So here's the deal. I know I do this too. But you see that's where the problem begins. Like there are days where I find it hard to just take care of my shit. I have to pick all my shit up, and put it away. Sometimes it doesn't get done either. So now I have to pick up my shit and everyone else's too! I find shit in other shit that doesn't belong with that shit! Seriously! Pick up your shit! Put it away! Organize it! Toys, socks(oh god don't even get me started like seriously? Dirty socks stuffed in toys and play suitcases?). Why is it that it's all got to fall on me? At ages 7, 5 and 42 I think they are fully capable of not leaving their dirty socks on the kitchen table, or their dirty clothes on my bathroom floor, beer bottles on the sink for a week, or toys strewn about on my dining room table. Like what do I look like? Don't let the title 'Mom' and 'Wife' fool you. I'm not your damn maid! I mean shit! (too many 'shits'? )

3) ' The present ': So yeah, the thing I live for the most is when I have to use the bathroom and I find a present in the toilet. Yep you guessed it! Because you couldn't take that 2 extra seconds to flush the cotton picking toilet?! I have to find your dump?! Or your pee?! Because that's my life. Pee, poop and feeding you all. Take that! (flippin the bird whilst biting my lower lip in a very mean fashion).

4) ' Being the only functioning adult in the room when there is in fact 2 functioning adults in the room ': So there my husband is sitting all comfy and relaxed on the couch watching TV.I just happen to be up doing something and here those little trolls come asking me for shit. Mooooom, can I have a drink? Moooooom?, can I have a snack? Moooooom?, Where's my big spiderman doll with the black belt and the blue motorcycle? Dude really? Because I know exactly where every one of your toys sits at all times of the day. I am doing the dishes, you see that guy over there? Yeah, he's Daddy, go ask him. 5 minutes later you know what happens right? Moooooom? Dad said no. Dad said he doesn't know where it is. It never ends.

5) 'As soon as I sit down you're going to ask me for everything aren't you?': I swear there must be a conspiracy. Maybe my husband installed a sensor on all the chairs in the house. Because as you all know as soon as you sit your ass down on something the kid alarm goes off and all of a sudden they are in dire need of everything but the kitchen sink. They need food, drinks, helping finding something, someone to wipe their ass, help with homework, or better yet they broke something and I need to get right on back up and fix it. Or someone spilled something. Really? I really can't sit for 2 seconds without you asking me for something? Good thing Dad isn't home! OH wait, there he is right there!......uhhhh(sighing)

6) ' Before we leave do you have to use the bathroom ?': We've all been there right? Running late to drop a preschooler off at school or to some sort of practice. Or to a family members house 2 hrs away. We always ask and then wonder why we even bothered wasting our breath. 'Do you have to go potty? Because it's going to be a few minutes until we get to your school'. 'No, I don't have to go!(with attitude no less)'. OK, lets go. Get in the car, get halfway there, jammin out to my tunes or morning show feeling great that I am calm and centered and....'Moooooom?' I have to poop'! 'Ok buddy we are almost at your school, just hold it'.  'But I have to go really bad!' ..............silence............grimaced face.........UHHHHH(sighing loudly). Seriously?! Did I not ask you before we left if you had to use the potty? What did you say? (Trying to rationalize the situation as if that is going to change absolutely anything). Yay! time to stop at the dirty gas station bathroom so you can take a dump. Thanks kid!! (shaking fists)

7) ' How the hell did you get that up there?!': You know what I'm talking about. You're cleaning, or at least pretending to and you look up at the ceiling in the corner of your bathroom (exaggeration), and there is a drop of chocolate milk. Or fruit pouch squirt. Or chewed up chicken nugget or overcooked mashed then crusted blueberry waffle. And you stand there looking at it. 'Hmmmm'. Did you have a Jackson Pollock party up in this bitch? How the shit did you get Chocolate milk up there? On doorways, down in the recesses of the mouldings behind the couch where you never go. There it is. I guess my kids must be food artists or something. At this point I'm going to start taking photographs and selling them. Come on, you know you want one. ;)

8) ' Is this a bracelet? ' : We all know that as parents we have ZERO privacy. But there is nothing like the day that you are trying to fold laundry and your kid walks out of your bathroom with one of your 'intimate' play things wrapped around his wrist. (And no I am not divulging, so just use your imagination). 'What's this Mom'? 'Is this a bracelet'? You kind of freeze up for a second in shock before taking it out of their hands and running very suspiciously back into the bathroom and putting it back. Ummm...no, it's just not yours and it's not for you and uhhhh...ummm it's DADS, JUST GO IN YOUR ROOM AND PLAY!! ..Phew! That wasn't uncomfortable at all.

9) ' Get dressed? Pfft! ': Every stay at home parent has had the PJ day. Where you don't have anywhere to go and you have no cause or justification for getting dressed. At some point though upon having those days I end up scaring the shit out of myself when I go into the bathroom to wash my hands and accidentally look in the mirror. My hair is disheveled, and probably greasy at this point, my clothes are stained and the colors I've chosen to wear together make me fully aware that there will be no answering the door should anyone decide to drop by. Not even the UPS guy. However sometimes the Mommy brain does get the best of me and I forget all about how I look. I bounce to the door so excitedly at the thought of conversing with another adult even for 5 seconds. I stand there watching them desperately as they go into their truck thinking 'Oh what fun it must be to get paid to work'. And then the horror when you go inside and realize that you forgot to put on a bra in the morning and your nips were waving hello to the UPS guy too. Such fun times.

10) ' TV may be the Devil but that Devil and my kids are bff's ! ' :  Stats show you shouldn't allow kids under 2 to watch TV. Well shit...my 2 yr old already has his favorite show and will shut the fuck up nice when I put his little couch in front of the TV and let him watch his Thomas. Or lately Heidi on netflix. My other 2 will also be Angel's when they can watch a movie or play a video game. Is it the best solution? The most healthy? Not really sure. But I wouldn't get a flippin thing done without it. As a matter of fact on days where I have felt like #1 Mom doing the best job I know how I've limited their TV time. And let me tell you I did drink on those nights. So I have to Thank TV for allowing me to feel functioning and not a drunk. Hey, gotta aim high right?

And last but not least the 1 thing I do absolutely positively love about being a stay at home parent. My kids. It's a shitty job but someone has to do it. After all the drama and ridiculousness, there is a charm in the mess and a life well lived in the destruction of everything you hold dear. I hope. One day I'll look back on these years from the room of my nursing home(a.k.a mental institution) and be grateful. Until then, let the chaos commence!! :o)

-V

A Home.

A house does not equal a 'Home'. 
It is but a place that keeps you shielded from the rain, or the heat, or the cold and snow.

It is simply a dwelling. An apartment, A cottage, A long house or wigwam. It can be a tent or even the night sky for some. 

But it is just a place. It is not tangible although that's what it implies. No. We have many homes in our lifetimes. Even if we've stayed in one place our entire lives. 

No spot of land could ever equal 'A Home'. Only others can do that. The people we choose to let in. 

Home is the imprint on our soul from the one we love. From our children. The pets you call family. The Friends you put there. The memories, which are so much richer than that which costs money. It's the kisses, and 'I Love You's'. The 'Good Jobs' and many milestones and unexpected curves of life that you ride together. 

Home is the laughter, and the tears that are shared. But also the sorrows and disagreements. The mending and the fixing of those relationships. The constants and continuations. The losses. Home is where the most raw emotions are felt. And where the most important decisions are made. It is the 'everything'. All the time, hand in hand, heart to heart.

A home is never and will never be defined by it's walled limits. But by the people. 

By the Family and friends you welcome in asking them to stay and love and live and be.....together...

Forever. <3 


So......we are moving again. Back to North Carolina. It comes with sorrow and excitement. Bittersweet, as they say. I've made some pretty rich and amazing friendships. Got to have some very great and memorable times with my family. I am always and forever grateful for it. And for the lessons I've learned while being here in New York. And who knows what the future holds maybe bringing us back here or someplace closer, or whatever one day. You just never know. All I can do is grieve the loss of the time I won't have with some of the most important people in my life. Easy right? No..it's not. And it won't be. But...I will be OK. We all will....eventually. And what makes things so awesome is that I have friends who are like family already waiting for us down there. I'm very excited about that. I mean moving sucks. There is no way around it. Even though we are getting the movers to pack for us, and move everything I still have a lot to do and with 3 crazy kids in tow. Thank GOD Shawn is home. But I wanted to convey how even though we will miss our house it's just a place. The memories that are made are with us and not with the house. And are with our family and friends, not necessarily the places those memories are made. It's in our home inside of us in our soul. 

So.  Here's to new lessons, rekindled old friendships, new experiences, a healthy future, and new beginnings for all of us. And all of you. 

-V

" Me who? " ((T.M.I ALERT !!))

So I was sick as a dog yesterday. Some kind of stomach bug that has traveled around my house and literally 'through' all of us. And whilst I had to spend so much time in the bathroom shitting my brains out I thought about something.

I felt well.....guilty. I felt completely guilty that I was sick and shitting my brains out instead of being healthy and able to take care of my kids. I felt guilty that all I wanted to do was not be near them or around them or to cater to their every need and whine and for my littlest...diapers.

Especially in the early AM when the virus manifestation was hitting me pretty hard. I could barely talk. I was so nauseous I thought 'I'm definitely going to vomit today'. Thank GOD I didn't. But the baby had a particularly nice diaper for me. One of those very very loose ones that leaks out of the sides. I could barely get up and this kid was needing me to clean him up in all his nastiness and then walk all the way upstairs and get more clothes. Uhhhhh(sighing).

Then after I had just laid down on the couch (feeling guilty for that as well) my son decides to drop the cup that I just made for him all over the floor. I showed those kids a different side of me for the moment. And that made me feel guilty too. I later apologized for said negative expressions and they knew it wasn't about them, but still.

So I was (still kind of am but not as badly) sick as a dog. It felt like the flu but without the projectile vomiting and I STILL.FELT.GUILTY ! I felt guilty laying up in the bed when my husband finally made it home in the afternoon. Every time I heard their feet on the floor downstairs or the baby crawling around I thought 'I should be there! Feeding them and wiping their faces, and boogers and giving them cookie kisses'. But I couldn't. And I felt terrible about it. And all I can say after that is WTF?!  And the funny yet sad thing is...I know I'm not the only one to feel this way! But why is that? Why do Moms feel so guilty? Why is it so horrible that we just wanna be able to do something, ANYTHING in peace? Or just without the kids present? Those that don't have children have no clue what it's like. And I'm not trying to be arrogant. It's the same with animals. Just trying to take a shower and get dressed or to cook a meal. Or better still, leave the house. It takes me sometimes 30 minutes to just leave my house. This is in the winter of course so it's 2 layers on each kid, repeating 80 times to get their shoes on. Dealing with a bit of phony helplessness. Then the baby who is 17 mths old and still can't walk so he sees that coat and goes crawling off. I'm sweating by the time I'm putting my coat on just from the anxiety of it all. And still.....the guilt. Is it engrained? Conditioned? Think back to when you were little. Did your parents press upon you the usual ideals of being a woman? Taking care of everything? Mine did. To this day my mom still waits on my father hand and foot and never really had an outside job or a want for one. Which is fine, but it's just not for me. I want more. And of course...the guilt ensues.

I just read this article that I will post at the end of this entry. I think it sums it up brilliantly. It states that when you feel guilty, it actually means you're taking care of yourself. After all, we may be Super Moms, but we are human beings. We need to feel challenged mentally, and I don't mean by listening to 2 kids having a screaming match all day and a baby who's teething and has an ear infection. We need a physical adult connection with the outside world. We need to read a book, or a newspaper, or Facebook! We don't 'want' these things. We need these things. We need to take a nap, or go out on a date. We need fresh air and sunshine, alone. It's essential that we do what we have to do to remain sane, happy and be the best partner, spouse, wife, or husband we can be. As a matter of fact, it is our right as women. Maybe it doesn't state that on the Bill of Rights but we can enforce our own life rules can't we? Lord knows if we don't take that time, everything falls apart. Especially us.

At the end of March my husband and I will be taking a little trip alone while my Mom is here watching the kids. Not sure where yet, but part of me feels guilty about it. Which is normal. It will be the longest time away from the kids. However the other side of me, cannot wait to just lay in bed all day (if I so choose) with my love and not have to worry about a damn thing. So check out this article. And be gentle with yourself.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/40-percent-and-rising/why-your-mommy-guilt-can-be-good-for-you_b_6621578.html

Our Battle as parents

So I was sitting there the other day looking into my baby boy Patrick's beautiful blue eyes. Watching him smile for no reason as he often does and I felt so happy. So full of bliss and joy. Those feelings slowly turned to anger and resentment as my other son Brendan decided to start his usual bit of acting like an jerk. Yes. I said it. My son can be a jerk. I love him. I truly do. But he can be such a jerk that when I look at pictures of him when he was a baby, sometimes I almost see a completely different kid. I find it difficult to remember how awesome it was to have such a good little bub. I forget when he was my sweet little Brendan. He was an amazing baby. Came out of the hospital eating every 4 hrs. I slept great. He went right into his crib. Chilled out anywhere you put him for hours. Napped great during the day, and by 2 mths, all night. He was so curious and cute and LOVED to cuddle. He would sit on mine or my husband's lap for hours. He would even sit all in the nook of my arm and lay on my chest and watch TV so I could nod off from time to time if I was extra tired that day. He wouldn't even move. Sometimes he'd fall asleep on me and I could see his beautiful eye lashes. And I would think about how much more he's brought into my life. Because he has. 

But things all went downhill when he was 2 and it was time for us to move. 

The idea of moving into a bigger more beautiful and new house was so awesome. Who wouldn't be grateful for that?. But the stress of taking care of 2 little ones full time on top of trying to pack a house to move was to say the least, very high. I also didn't know at the time that I have BiPolar 2 disorder and I had come off the antidepressant that I had taken to avoid Postpartum depression and thought I felt fine. And for the most part I was. But then he started to take things out of boxes after I packed them. I couldn't very well seal the box until it was full and that took time. But it was nonstop. And if he wasn't taking things out of the boxes, he was climbing on top of them. I even have a picture of him sitting on top of 3 huge moving boxes. So high he could touch the ceiling. I took a picture because it's kind of funny but all I could think about was how if he had fallen it would be my fault. And that made me feel aggravated. I was frustrated about having to stop to break up an argument over a toy, to dress the kids, feed them, clean them, change diapers(both were in diapers at the time), watch them, mend a wound(or 2), clean up, do laundry, cook, dishes, bathe them, and put them to bed. And as every parent can attest, there is much more included even within all of those tasks. Far from a small job kids. Add on packing an entire house full of stuff, well I lost it a lot. And I yelled a lot too. At Regan too, but mostly at Brendan. And very very loud. I even scared myself sometimes. I made myself sick thinking about this poor little 2 yr old boy who is simply doing what his age appropriate brain told him he was supposed to do. There were days during this time where I had to lock myself in the bathroom and have my cry out. I felt like a terrible mother. As I'm sure we all have at some point. But for me this time was different. Because I knew the effect it could have on him and I continued to get upset. I didn't know any other way. It was just a very stressful time for all of us.

But these days when he's not acting like a total Jerk, not talking back with that diva attitude that he so aptly loves to share. Or when he's not arguing with me for the 1000th time about how he wants something right now and will not take no for an answer, or he's not taking a temper tantrum because he can't or won't put his shoes/coat etc on by himself or cannot zip it up...well, he is kind. He is sweet, and endearing. He'll do something nice for his sister, and say how he wants to be a bucket filler. When he's not ignoring my husband and I completely while we are simply trying to ask him about school, or press how we have to leave right now, he makes us laugh with his wit and his humor and then says he loves us. In those moments, when he's giving me the sly smile, I see that baby. I see that sweet, cuddly little baby boy that I once knew and still know. I see that even though I made mistakes(as we all do every day), all the good things I've done, and the good lessons I've tried so hard to teach him do resonate. It makes me understand that he has bad days just like the rest of us. He can't be a perfect child, but a child doing the things that kids his age are doing. And that hey, I can be a Jerk too! And so can Regan, and my husband. Maybe even you! HA!We ALL make mistakes. We ALL do and say things we wished we hadn't.

In my opinion if at the end of the day even after our attitudes, mood shifts, stresses, and responsibilities we can still love each other. If we love too in the midst of anger and chaos, and our kids love us back after all of that. Well then I think we've done a great job. Don't you?

I Love you buddy <3 

When it's time to let go.

I had a dream last night. My 2nd Best friend ever was in the same place that I was. I somehow got dropped off somewhere on my own with no purse, no car, nothing. All of a sudden I see my friend all dressed up. Even though she is part Chinese and part Indonesian she had her hair in like an up do poof like a Japanese Geisha. Not sure what the correlation for that was. I say HEY!! What are you doing here? All thrilled because she moved to Dallas(in real life). And she gives me the up and down look as if to say Blech! What are 'you' doing here? I said I'm here for blah blah blah(don't remember what I said). So she just walks off with an heir of snootiness. I was confused. So I'm wandering around and I find her again. I say Hey. She rolls her eyes, huffs and puffs and says 'Oh my goodness'. As if I'm bothering her. In response I'm like 'You know what'? Fine. If you don't want to be bothered Good-Bye.

Interestingly enough the above paragraph was written months ago and I never posted it. And here I am wanting to bawl because it has kind of come to pass. She's more than a friend to me. She's like my sister. She did end up moving to Dallas. And she never kept in touch. Come to find out she is busting her ass to work 2 jobs and has isolated herself from her friends and family to stay focused on her goal of one day retiring. She had a hospital visit I knew nothing about and has since had many difficulties. Which I knew only so much about due to the lack of communication. I've written, sent pictures, cards, texts. Sometimes she gets back, sometimes it takes days, a week. 

I get it. I understand. I've been there. I've also been on the other end. But I've learned so much since then. If it's one thing my BiPolar Disorder has given me is the understanding of Life. And the ability to see it. I can envision the grass growing in my mind. I can smell the earth and know that this is where we came from. I can stop time for me and my kids and just be with them smelling their hair and know that no matter what love is infinite. Some people can't and won't ever be able to understand that. And it makes me sad. It makes me sad that someone like my friend who I thought was my family doesn't see the value in 'us' because her difficulties have hardened her. She doesn't see that time does not wait for anyone. And that she has made me feel that she doesn't value or appreciate the knowledge of having a friend to lean on because she is too afraid to feel anything at all. It breaks my heart that we've drifted apart. You never think it's going to happen to you. We as humans are so complacent we never think anything can happen to us.....until it does. 

Until the pain is so raw and evident that you cannot avoid it no matter how much Ibuprofen you have. You can't avoid the tears, or the space between you. You can't avoid the fact that in those moments of happiness, and laughter and hugs all those years ago saying 'No time or distance can alter our friendship' that it will. And it does. Even now I can see her laughing as we dance together at a club. 

You can never anticipate where life will take you. 

My husband told me he is Thankful he is a 'guy' and they don't have that type of 'longing' or 'need to constantly connect' with friends like women do. Like he can go for months or even years without seeing someone and then pick up where they left off. Which I can also do. But what do you do when there is nothing in between? No call, no talk, no care. And then there is also the capacity to allow people to make plans and then forgo them without a phone call. Which I don't understand. Why allow that? Why allow people to use you at their discretion just because they can? Of course we'll never see eye to eye on this because he is a Male and I am a Female. And though I am still open minded to this concept, I don't have the capacity to shut off my emotions. Hell, I don't really want to. 

I feel hard, I Love hard, and inevitably I hurt hard. That's me, take it or leave it. And I love it. I do. Because I want to feel every single iota of life. I want to show others that life is short and so fragile. And by GOD if you're going to live, then fucking LIVE!!!! I may not go skydiving, and I may be the biggest procrastinator but fuck! I FEEL!!! And that's OK! I want to teach others that every person we encounter, every smile, sneer, difficulty, death, and struggle we deal with is on purpose!. They are all signs and signals and little yellow brick roads to our destination. They are lessons. Signs from spirit, our loves ones, our Angels and GOD that we never left school just because we graduated. All of our mistakes, mishaps, missteps, and fuck ups. Everything we see and experience is all for our soul to mature and learn and grow. And yes I am allowed to use GOD and fuck in the same paragraph. Because GOD knows who I am and he is OK with that. Besides. I apologized. HA! 

No does this all mean that I'm infallible? That I make all the right decisions? Hell.No. I don't always accept the decisions I've made, but I have no choice to accept the outcomes. Because it's part of my journey.

The bottom line here is 'There can be no growth without struggle'.

There are SO many people that go through their lives with their eyes closed. They shut their shit down and keep everyone at arms length. Never really understanding or comprehending that all the horrible things that have happened to us are there for us to have. To own. To wear. To help others. To be there. 

Unfortunately I feel like she has trivialized our friendship and our role in each others lives. Uhhh(sighing). Despite it.....I will never give up on her. Or any of the my friends past or present. Not even those that have wronged me. I am not like that. I am a human being with faults and if any one of them asked me for help I would do what I could. But things will never be 'the same' between us. And that makes me sad. Hell. I know it's not all about me. I know shit happens. I understand. But when you love someone unconditionally, you do what you have to do.

In the meantime, all I can do is move on. Reflect on the ever changing seasons in life. Celebrate through the sadness the ebb and flow of things like time and distance. Things come out, then wash back out. It's time to appreciate the memories and all that relationships teach. In constant hope that one day maybe sooner than later things will be different and we can greet each other changed with open arms ready to begin right where we left off.

After all, we never can tell what tomorrow will bring. And that is fine with me. 

-V

Almost isn't enough

I sometimes sit and contemplate what my life might or should be like. I've had so many dreams over the years about things I've wanted to do. I don't know what it is about me. I'll get the itch to do something and then get freaked out that I'll fail and make a fool out of myself so I just won't do it. I wish I had 'Beyonce's guts and motivation for example. I'd have gotten a lot done by now. I might even be a millionaire ! HA! 

1) The first career choice I had was to be a librarian. This is going way back to when I was little. I loved to read and fell for the idea of having complete access to every book imaginable. Now, although I still enjoy reading don't have too much time for it, and when I do it tends to put me to sleep. HA!

2) Be a paleontologist/archeologist. I LOVED dinosaurs and anything to do with ancient Egypt. I dreamed about digging up dino bones or for ancient artifacts. Travelling around the globe was of course a huge plus. But that would have entailed going to college which will come up later in the list.

3) Being a singer. I know this is going to sound conceited. But I can sing. And being a singer was kind of always on my mind. I even recorded a song with a DJ company that I wrote. It never did anything because it was a DJ/club song and nothing more.

4) Moving to Florida and becoming an artist for Disney. I can also draw and I was seriously into Disney movies. So put 2 and 2 together.

5) Ironically, around the same time I dreamed about working for such a wholesome company such as Disney I briefly thought about becoming a stripper. I figured that would make me a whole lot of money which could pretty much buy me whatever I wanted. And I have always thought of myself as very self sufficient, resilient and independent. So this would have fit perfectly in my life at the time.

6) Being a Broadway performer. I remembered many times when living in NJ in my early 20's just a hair past my peak physical shape getting copies of the village voice and wanting to try out for a dance act of some sort. I have always been very good at paying attention to others abilities I loved. I was able to learn from that very quickly. Figure skating, roller figure skating. I thought I might do that and be able to live in the awesome metropolis that is NYC.

7) Pampered Chef. Yeah. I went and convinced Shawn that it was a great idea and a great opportunity to make money from home. So we spent the money to buy the kit which wasn't cheap and I realized it wasn't an independent venture. I would still have to answer to someone and realized very soon that I didn't know enough people to build any kind of following. I also get intimidated by the knowledge that so many other people are either doing the same thing or just different versions of the same thing.

Yeah.....I'm an over achiever I tell ya. HA! 

Am I Ready?

  So here we are 5 years in from having my first child. My baby girl Regan. She is far from a baby anymore. She can read some. Add on her own and just lost her first tooth a few weeks ago. I didn't think that happened until atleast another year or year and a half. She amazes me every day. My son is 3, and will be attending preschool in the fall also. And of course there is another tyrant Oh I mean BOY! on the way come August.  :o)

But my 'little girl'. My first born. Will be graduating from Pre-K in a few short weeks.

A Long Long time ago (or so it seems) when I envisioned this time, I had an immense list of preconceived notions. About alot of things of course(don't we all?). But on this this topic, I kind of thought the whole 'graduation' from Pre-K was a bit silly. Not silly, but maybe not nearly as relevant as graduation from what I thought to be real school. I vaguely remember realizing that preschoolers wear caps and gowns (and of course not all schools do this) and would chuckle at how serious the whole thing was taken. I did think about the cuteness of it all . Like we'll get some really great pictures! But somehow I didn't process or maybe allow myself to process the emotional side of it. The reality that it's just another part of my baby growing up.

But now, here I am. About to watch her walk down that little proverbial preschool aisle. And call it pregnancy hormones, but every time I take her to school now and envision her in a cap and gown and me taking her pictures, I get a bit misty. I know that I will probably need a box of tissues when the day comes. And I think of how proud I am of her that she is so smart and so witty. Just the other day, she asked me why a Mom was crying on TV for something her kid was doing. So I explained to her that Moms do that when their children make great accomplishments. I admitted to her that I would probably cry at her graduation(s). At her wedding if she chooses to get married, if and when she has her babies, and any other endeavor she pursued and succeeded at. And she just leaned in and layed on my arm.

Speechless.

So I think about what a shmuck I was for thinking of her moving on from preschool as silly to begin with. After all, whether big or small, it's still a milestone. She isn't going to see alot of if any of the kids she's pretty much been friends with for the past 2 years. She was so upset about this at first proclaiming she wasn't going to show up the day of graduation. And something happened to her and she finally said 'I think I'm ready to go to Kindergarten'. Those were real emotions! This time will be something that she can be proud of when she is old enough to do so. So really, who am I to take that away from her with all those pesky preconceived notions?

In the Fall she'll be taking an actual school bus all on her own and going to what is the start of elementary school. I think my reaction on that first day will be the same as a commercial I saw. Which I will post at the end of this blog. In general a Dad is waiting for the bus with his little girl who is getting on it for the first time. At first she looks hesitant and kind of sad. And he follows the bus making sure to look at her every few minutes while driving. He then happily finds that she has made a friend instantly and is laughing and forgotten all about her fears. I only pray that my kids have that same happy beginning. In any case, this is my sweet girls beginning. The beginning of her doing things 'alone' and without me. The beginning of her building friendships, alliances, and of course the inevitable...enemies. So my question to myself is am I ready? Am I ready for the work load? The tears? The stress? And that's just for me. Then there will be her work load. Her tears. Her stress. She is very hard on herself. As was I. For those reading this with no children, or with your first child or even someone that hasn't entered this stage and having your own 'preconceived notions' trust me. Your time will come. And from what I hear, kids are starting to develop mentally, and emotionally at a much younger age than we did. So it's all uphill from here. Or is it.

The fact however remains, that it doesn't matter whether I'm ready or not. It's coming regardless. And the only thing I can do is embrace it. The only step I can take as her Mom is to be there for her. Teach, encourage, help when I am able and just appreciate every moment of her being so young and so awesome. Savor her ambition just to see me and experience everything along with her. Because she will be graduating from Elementary School, then Middle School, then High School before I can say Cap and Gown.

Here's the video. Try not to tear up too bad. And just for the record, I am not 'endorsing' subaru. Although I do own one. But it's solely a coincidence. :)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UO6ztkW4ulw

Division of Labor

So everyone that knows me is aware that that I am a stay at home mom. And like many stay at home moms I don't have 'my own' income. I depend on my husbands. And like some I have a limited amount of control when it comes to making financial decisions. I've attempted to change things up and thought well, I'll just sell some of my old stuff online to make a little extra money. That never happened. I even wasted $600 to buy the pampered chef kit a few years back, only to decide later on that it was not for me. I have pondered over babysitting others children but realized my own children wreck my house enough. Plus who wants to be responsible for someone elses child and risk something like injury or being sued? I've also thought about  making things, as I am very crafty. But then how would I manage to do that with 2 kids who don't nap? I envision glue all over my walls and fake flowers trying to be washed out of their heads. So there's that. So I have moments where I feel a bit hopeless on the subject.

Now, my husband makes a great living. We have a very good life. But I find myself wanting more. I won't apologize for it. Because I don't mean more money or more tangible things. What I want is to feel productive in society. To learn new things. To meet people. To feel like I am contributing to our marriage financially. And more than anything else, more freedom to make my own decisions. To go places if I so choose. And yes, to buy something if I want. Or to get my nails done. To join a gym. To take a class in something. I think this is the struggle in majority of relationships and marriages. The constant consultations needed even for something as simple as going to the supermarket. Or getting a dog. Some won't agree. It just depends on who wears the pants in the relationship or marriage.

However, the conversation here isn't necessarily about who brings more money to the table. Although that plays a huge role in the division of labor. Because one is the earner and one is not. One might feel that because they earn and the other does not, they have a say as to how much they actually have to do outside of the job. So the question here is how, as a couple who have chosen to spend a life and have a family, distribute the labor? Whether that be the woman works also or stays at home with the kid(s). Or vice versa.

Some women would say that because I am at home for example, and my husband works, I can take care of everything in the house while he's out working. My stance is I don't agree. There are many things throughout the day that I don't get to because I am doing others or taking care of 'our' children. Not 'my' children. 'OUR' children. It takes 2 to create them, and if there are 2 present, there should be 2 people taking care of them.

But what happens when the division of labor is not equal? You start to feel unappreciated. Resentful. Maybe even depressed. It can be an emotional roller coaster. What happens when one is working, then going out to dinner with clients? Or business travel? What happens when the one parent is struggling with emotional issues and still has to shoulder all that extra work with zero time for themselves? I'm not saying that is or isn't the case at my house. But I will say that we both have days where we feel that one's doing more than the other. Or sometimes we don't mind doing more. Or less for that matter. Nothing is perfect. There is no perfect formula for this. I know you have to do what's right for you. But the question here is just because one person works, and the other is a stay at home parent, does that really mean that the working party gets a free pass with helping? There are some relationships that I have known of where the man has no job and the woman is working and taking on all the other responsibilities. 

I read an article that stated that homes where both parties pitch in together have more arguments, and more strife. I attempted to find it, but to no avail. But it does exist, I assure you. In any case, I disagree. If I see my husband initiating help such as dishes, cleaning on the weekends, even taking care of the kids while I sleep in one day a week, I am very happy. There is a sense of feeling appreciated. Like he respects me for what I do and is nice enough to lend a hand because he knows how my job is just as much a full time job as his minus getting paid. And they definitely are most days. If you add up the amount of time in a day you take care of the kids exclusively and do nothing else, there really doesn't leave much time to do anything else. And the crazy thing is most stay at home parents, still on a good day, manage to cook, clean, do a load or 2 of laundry, do the dishes, and maybe even a few tidbits of chores here and there. If you have animals, it's essentially like having another child. So that only adds to it. We don't have set rules in my house. But should there be? Should there be a written agreement? I know this sounds hilarious, but far too many people out there allow themselves to be treated like hired help with no break whatsoever. 

Now, I realize that back in the day I would have been burned at the stake for thinking and speaking the way I am now. And there are still many a woman out there who firmly sticks by the 'old' rules. But times have changed dramatically(thankfully) and we should all be 'equals'. I have no problems mowing the lawn or changing a tire given the knowledge to do so. I love mowing the lawn. And if my husband wants to stay at home for a week or a month to see what I do every day, so be it. I have no problem going to work, being a part of business meetings, and even travelling every so often. Hell, sounds like a vacation to me! ( I KNOW IT'S NOT!!! ) But it isn't going to happen. So it is my responsibility when I am feeling like I am overloaded to communicate that and hope it does not fall on deaf ears. 

So tell me, what kind of situation do you have? How is the division of labor at your house? I am very curious to know. You go ahead and comment. I'll be over here eating bon bons with my feet up.

P.S. Here is a little article about the same topic from Babycenter. 

http://www.babycenter.com/0_staying-at-home-changing-relationship-dynamics_6029.bc

:o)

My 2 little teachers.

Here I am. Happy. Wow. Never thought I'd get here. Never even thought I'd say it out loud. Well I'm kind of 'writing' it though right? Hold on. (yelling, 'I'm Happy'! ) There. Now I said it out loud. But I am. It's been a rough few months. But I am more than grateful. A wonderful husband, beautiful house and 2 healthy wonderfully nutty children. I love those babies. I love them because they are mine. Because I held them inside and then was blessed enough to meet them from the start when they first saw light in this world. I love them more than I love myself. I would do just about anything for them. Provided it was legal. The fact is they are my life. Being a stay at home mom wasn't what I thought it would be. It still isn't, but I've come to realize that raising my kids is what I came here to accomplish. It was not an easy road. And my journey is far from over. It took me a while to accept. To fall in love with parenting. And I'm still not a huge fan most days. But I do love those kids. Because they teach me every day what life is all about. These are only examples of what lessons I've learned. Happy reading! :o)

Compassion: They have unconditional compassion. All they understand is that a life is a life is a life. And my daughter although afraid of most bugs, genuinely wants to meet, hold and see what all the creatures are like and why they do everything that they do. This teaches me to be more compassionate not only to animals, but to my kids. It's hard sometimes when you get caught up in the daily grind to remember to put yourself in your kids shoes. But if you do, you'll realize quickly why they are frustrated, or angry or taking a tantrum. After all, Growing up is hard to do!

Affection: It seems simple, but boy is it not. You can get busier and busier with children, or your job. Or maybe stress has you feeling grumpy more often than you'd like. But I feel so blessed to know that I have those little vending machines of love at my disposal. This has taught me to love harder. You never know what life will bring you or take away. So you have to appreciate everyone in your life. I am going to embarass the crap out of these kids some day because I will never stop hugging or kissing them.

Imagination: There is nothing better than a child's imagination. My kids astound me at the things they come up with. My daughter is so inventive, and so smart so she always combines the two. And without fail comes up with the strangest and funniest things. This teaches me that just because I am an adult, doesn't mean I can't imagine too. I can chime right in and add to the silliness which is only going to make us all laugh. And lets face it, Laughter is The best medicine. 

Patience: They surely don't have any. But they teach me every single day that in order to attempt to raise civilized, humble, loving human beings, I must bring all the patience I have to the table. Simply in hopes that my cards don't run out before the end of each and every game(day). It usually does, but no parent is perfect. We are all just on this crazy ride together. And at least that's encouraging.

Motivation: There isn't anything that can motivate you like having kids. Or maybe a 5 hr energy drink. Granted I need caffeine most mornings to get going to be functional. But the motivation I'm referring to here is to live. To see things. To go places. To be a part of society. To be a part of life. It might seem so simple to others, but I have depression from time to time. Things like getting up, taking a shower, brushing my teeth, and not projecting my b.s. onto my kids is an achievement some days. There are days I just want to crawl up in a ball and be left alone. But my kiddos have taught me that you can't live your life that way. And if you want your babies to have a happy, positive, fulfilling life, you have to get your ass up, dust yourself off, or whatever it is that you have to do and get your butt moving. They don't like sitting around doing nothing and who can blame them when there are so many wonderful things in life to experience and be a part of. So Lets Go!

Love:  There is nothing more profound and priceless than the love of the your kids. And to think, it's freely given. No matter how bad a day you think you had. No matter how guilty you feel about a spat or yelling at them or punishment it's all out of love so you get nothing but love in return. Maybe it's not immediate. But it's always there regardless. And my kids have taught me that. That they will love me no matter what. And I will love them even more. They have taught me to be accepting as those who love me are accepting of me. I am FAR from perfect and I can't possibly expect anyone else to be. 

So that's it. That's my list. I hope it makes you feel good. And I hope you like it. If not, well, I love you anyway! :o) 

-V