Moving on(a song)

On to the next town
On to the next town

Here we are, moving on again.

On to the next place
On to the next place

Here we are, starting o'er again.

Sometimes I just wish we'd settle down. Instead of always running toward the next dusty ground.

Cuz I feel more lost each time
Tired of leaving love behind.

On to the next space
On to the next space

How are we to move on again?

On to the next road
On to the next road

How are we to start o'er again?

Lord knows we've had our share of pain.

But he also knows that it's taken its toll and I just don't feel the same.

And I know I need to go
But there are things you need you to know.

Thank You for the good and bad times we got through. Thank You for always sticking beside me all year through. 

Because that's what we always do. 

Life together with our family and me and you. 

On to the next town......(whisper)On...to the next town......

V2019

Drained

I have a lot on my plate, to say the least. On top of which I am not where I'd like to be health wise. At all. I mean when I think about a time that I was in shape, there was more time, no kids, a full time job to keep me busy and not eating really. A lot of what kept me in shape was activity, busyness, being young and full of energy and to look cute for boys until I met my husband. I wasn't invested because I understood the food pyramid ratios and carbs and sugar. I always just ate what I wanted and was just so active it didnt matter. And the activity was available because I didn't have kids!. But over time up and down with weight. Then just gaining and gainingand gaining. Then mental Illness was diagnosed. Then kids(3), stresses of moving multiple times, deaths, marriage issues, then with weight gain comes physical health problems. Knee surgery, Inflammation, arthritis diagnosis, reflux, medication changes, carpal tunnel syndrome, IBS, and now the cherry on top? Mild Obstructive sleep apnea. In one word, "exhaustion". It has not gone away.  No amount of caffeine has helped. Diet changes have helped and so did sleep(some) but I'm in the vicious cycle of being alone at night is peaceful. But no matter what dietary change, I can't seem to stick with it. The fundamental problem here is, I know what I need to do to feel better. I do.I am aware and full of insight. But why can't I stick to it? Partly because one thing I was also never taught was telling myself no. Health wasn't talked about in my house until my father got diagnosed with diabetes.And then only when my Mom would scold my Dad for eating too much junk but then go and eat cookies at midnight. Health wasn't about "It's important to eat X amt of protein, X amt of veggies, fruits etc". In my house we snacked. A lot. Also at night. And all of those things are OK. In moderation. But there wasn't a lot of emphasis on going to the Dr regularly either. Or the dentist. Which are important. And don't be mistaken. I am not blaming. But how you were raised and what kind of foundation you had as a child is very difficult to break and to change. Even if it means your very life. I don't know how to go backwards. I can only forward. If GOD allows. And all I can expect from myself is to try my very best to change the pathways that were set for me, because I know I am capable. But I have to do it for me. I have to do it for me to feel better again, and to keep on for my family. And because that is the answer. Isn't it?

Namaste

Virginia

How?

How am I to cry if I am expected to see everything, all the time?
How am I to allow myself to fall, when I am expected to walk a hundred miles?
How can I express emotion, when I have to be strong for everyone else?
How can I accept, when I wasn't given a choice to begin with?
How can I be there, when my heart wants to be elsewhere?
How do I keep moving, when I am so weakened by loss?
How do I catch my breath when I keep getting hit as hard as I have been?

How does one live with such loss without the pain sinking deeper still? I seek GOD. And his forgiveness for saying it's not enough. The time. It wasn't enough. It never is. I am in awe of this grief. In complete awe.

And I see no relief in sight.

Too quiet

It's too fucking quiet around here. My children are all in school.

I hate this shit.

What shit you ask? This part of motherhood. The part when your kids are around you and driving you up the wall forcing you to yearn for peace and quiet. To be alone even for 5 minutes. But then when they aren't there and you finally have that peace and quiet you so desperately wanted and feel you deserve, all you can think of is how much you miss them! 

It's like, "WHAT.THE.EVER.LOVING.FUCK??!!!" You know?! I mean this has to be in the Diagnostic and Statistical manual of mental disorders.

Repeating yourself about 15 times when answering a question, speaking constantly(often to yourself) because your children aren't listening at all. Oh how about that ever loving game of "It is zero hour(bed time), and Mommy you just HAVE to find that fucking tiny piece of crap toy I haven't used in 8 years or else I'll just die!" Gaahh!!! 

Have any of you ever stepped on a Lego?! Fuck off with those damn things! Oh wait. Cleaning something up for them to just somehow mysteriously walk over and spill something on the very spot you just cleaned like 2 seconds ago. Is that the universe laughing it's ass off or what?!! The whole phone thing. Not one word from any of them. They are all lost in the recesses of my house. Hiding away in crevaces with a tablet or playing with something. As SOON as you start talking on the phone the universe sets off the telekinetic alarm for the kids to come out and ask you for 9567 things that you are going to say no to. Then finally you have to apologize to the person you are speaking to on the phone so they don't think you're having an exorcism moment. So many things right? Like for real kid? I didn't know I was fat, thank you for poking at my love handles(getting dressed and/or coming out of the shower) and asking why I have those. My kids like to hear my teeth crunching together when they've told me they want to eat something, I make it, and then it's "I didn't say I wanted that". (eye twitching). 

All that shit is enough to make you drink a whole fucking bottle of wine. Not a glass or 2. A bottle. Because the sheer energy it takes for you to hold back all of the curse words.......just...yeah. 

So yeah, this love/hate thing with being a parent? Being a Mom? is a big bitch. A nasty, foul creature of a bitch that sometimes feels impossible to deal with. Which is probably why I'm in therapy every week. Is it a wonder I can't consistently shower? I sometimes give myself such shit about being "put together". Like telling myself "I need to do my makeup", or "I need to shave my legs". But why? I'm exhausted don't you see?! Ha! Like permanently crazy and exhausted. And I could continue on about the plethora of things that are difficult about being a parent. And how you really can't know what it will be like unless you actually do it (which is frankly, true). But once all that has worn away, and you have finally had a few nights of uninterrupted sleep, and a few bottles(err, glasses) of scotch, I think what it boils down to is having kids is just like being in a relationship with someone. But in this case it's with littler people that you can't like, give back, or sell or something. It's a messy business. And truth be told I don't need any help in the mental illness area because I have the diagnosis already. 

But you know...as much as these kids test my patience, my fortitude, my energy level, and my sanity; there is one thing that they keep golden. One thing that amongst it all, they nurture, and teach, and deliver every.single.day. 

My heart. <3 

-V

Unconditional Love (A Tribute)

I can't sleep. As a matter of fact I am sitting in the dark typing this with tears streaming down my face.

She is everywhere. In the thousands of gifts she has given us; in the places in our house where memories were made with her. She is all over the apartment she lived in downstairs. Her knick knacks, clothes, even her makeup. Everything is exactly where it would be if she were here still walking around yelling at my father in law to get off his ass and do something. She is in my daughter's face as she shares her nose and eyes. Tears. Who is this "She"? She is Lorraine. My Mother in Law. Although after 20 years, she is my 2nd Mom. I still can't believe she is gone. We all knew it would come. But you can never prepare yourself for the black hole that shows up to take the place of the person you once knew.

I go through all the normal responses in my head. "She's at peace". "She's not suffering anymore".  "She is always with me". "She's with her Mom, her sister and her best friend and cousin that she has missed for so long". I know all of this.
But I've known this woman for 20 years. I remember walking into her house when I first went to meet her and the first thing she said when she looked at me was "Who's this Tomayta'?!" That's just who she was. Just straight up and you just better get used to being an asshole. 20 years is a long time. A lot of ups and downs, a lot of birthdays, and Christmases. A WHOLE LOTTA shopping, and dinners and parties. Several moves, and many, many disagreements. "Fighter" is an understatement. For years I would even have arguments with her in my head (my OCD didn't help). Most of the time I just chocked it all up to different generations, different struggles, different likes and opinions. And even though we frequently butted heads about everything from what to name my kids to what I had in my china closet, she sort of forced her way into my heart. She was one that if you are a part of her family, dammit you are going to talk to her whether you like it or not. She didn't let any time go by before reaching out, even after an argument. If my husband and I didn't call her often enough she would leave us messages saying "Is your finger broken"?! Ha! She knew how to press everyone's buttons. But the majority of the time we would end up talking it out, apologizing and saying we loved each other. She understood my reasons and I understood hers. Not always but most of the time. Because after all, she loved us all. Maybe a little differently, but it was love nonetheless.

2 years ago both his parents moved into our home. We moved in August 2015, and they in October the same year. I knew there would be demands, and difficulty. I have 3 children and I was taking on 2 elderly people who were not the healthiest. His Dad had just had a stroke the previous year and as good as he was functioning, he had to step down as his wife's caregiver. So something inside along with Gods divine wisdom made me see that apartment in our basement and say,"Your parents can come live here with us". No hesitation. Why? Because I know how fleeting time is. If they both aren't as healthy as they could be why not invite them to be around their grand babies?. I wanted to help them. Physically, emotionally, maybe even mentally. Even now I know in my heart that I did help them some. Especially her. And I know it was the best decision because she was able to be closer to her grand kids and spend time with all of us as a family. There was never a dull moment. The good, the bad, the ugly, it didn't matter; we did it together. Her and I developed a great friendship. A great admiration for one another. We had many an amazing, truthful and funny conversation during our time together. Which only intensified in the hospitals, rehab and even in hospice.

Which is why, in the face of such loss and grief, I ride these waves where one minute I am angry, but the next joyful. Then I'm quiet and brooding, but appreciating the sunset when I realize again that she is gone. On come the tears. Thank GOD they are interrupted by my children's laughter and arguing. As a reminder that life does still go on. Through this experience I have learned imperative and powerful lessons. Lessons you can only learn after you have suffered, or struggled through something so great there may have been a moment where you fell to your knees and threw your hands up in the air. I have learned Humility and Grace. Dignity and Patience. Gratitude and Perseverance. Resilience....and Forgiveness. All of these I've learned from the blessed opportunity I had of being able to take care of another human being. For someone I care deeply about. It will continue on with my father in law but it's still such a gift.

Above all else however, I've learned about unconditional Love. In all it's unexpected, raw forms. That in the midst of anger, bitterness, fear, and the grit of real life, you "love" no matter what. I'm really going to miss her.

I think back to March 1st. She turned 74 that day. The one thing that I think about that brings me some solice is that despite everything, I am so grateful that we got to take her out for her birthday to celebrate her life one last time. After all she was happy, and with her family. Which I truly believe is how she would want to be remembered.

                          Love You Mom, until we meet again. <3

My words

So I am eating my words today. And they taste like shit. I posted a rant yesterday on Facebook about what we need to do as parents if our kids are being bullied. I was responding to news of a girl who completed suicide because she was being bullied. But when I was faced with something similar, I was left helpless.

My son(6) has anxiety and possibly OCD. I have to take him to get evaluated. Lately he's been acting out and repeating himself constantly even after you have answered him. Both of which he does when his anxiety has been triggered. I attempted to have a talk with him but I didn't get anywhere. On top of the anxiety his reflux(G.E.R.D) has returned after being away for about a month. I know this when he develops a cough that only gets worse with no further "sick" symptoms.

(For those that don't know what reflux is, it's when the stomach pumps that supply the Acid to break down food go into overdrive and produce too much. For some reason this causes the flap in the esophagus to not work properly and open up when it's not supposed to, splashing that acid into the esophagus. It is severely uncomfortable, painful, and can make you physically ill. It causes coughing, burning in the chest, severe nausea and vomiting, severe stomach aches, and headaches and can even make you feel like you're having a heart attack. It's not a virus or a bacterial infection that is contagious and he just started taking the meds to treat it again. I also have plans to take him to get evaluated for possible food triggers/allergies. )

After some fishing last night just before bed, he admitted to me that the kids in his class are complaining and making fun of him because he has the cough. They are acting like he is 'sick' and refusing to play with him and walking away. He made sure to stress walking away. Which to us as adults sound like 'OK so the person walked away'. But to a sensitive 6 year old with anxiety, it's as if he's been abandoned because there is something wrong with him. He then said that in front of the whole class his teacher said to him, "Brendan, if you're coughing that loud you shouldn't be in school". Again, to an adult that statement might come off as "well they think I am sick and they don't want to catch it". But to a 6 year old with anxiety, what that says to him is, "There is something wrong with you and you don't belong here." And that's what he told me he felt. I felt terrible for him.

He claims he has explained to everyone what is wrong with him. That he has reflux and it doesn't affect them but that they just don't care. I think part of that are his emotions talking thanks to his age and of course, the anxiety. But when someone is continually making fun of you even after you have explained you have an illness you are going to think they don't care. Again....he's a kid.

And in the grand scheme of things, maybe the teacher just didn't think before she spoke. But maybe she was already frustrated with him as he can be extremely trying when his anxiety is activated. I don't know yet. I just sent her an email last night. But for my son, at that moment no amount of encouragement, I Love you's or rationalization for his reflux and that it will go away, got through to him. So finally I pulled out the last card I had. I asked him, "Do you love you"? Which I tend to do every once in a while when I am trying to instill that as long as you love yourself you can take on the world.
He shook his head no. And I felt completely deflated. And scared. Because I didn't know what the hell else to say to him except "Take deep breaths, close your eyes and go to your happy place and go to sleep." And of course that I loved him.

My son is 6. And I am scared for him. That is the reality. When he was younger and I realized how sensitive he really is, that fear began. And since then I've done nothing but try to instill confidence, and teach him coping skills for his anxiety and constant worry. But I am now coming to understand that even with the best intentions, some of what we teach our kids doesn't always work. At least right away.

I know exactly how he feels. Exactly. I was bullied from Elementary school all the way up into my Junior year of High School. And when you are in the trenches of whatever it is that you are dealing with. Pain, bullying, even apparently something as simple as a reflux cough. You can't see into the future. One of the biggest challenges of anxiety is that it tells you that your suffering will never go away. I was abused as a child so I learned survival at a very young age. But I can't teach that kind of survival. You have to live it. I am not going to abuse my child in hopes it will make him stronger. I am just not.

In the midst of this I feel as with everything else in life, there is a spiritual/life lesson here. Maybe this is just a part of his journey. Maybe this is his lot to carry for now. I mean, life isn't meant to be easy right? It is life. It doesn't discriminate. If something is going to happen, it's going to happen. And the majority of what determines the outcome is how you can respond. I mean, when you look at the bigger picture, once his meds kick in again things will go back to the way they were when he wasn't getting made fun of for his cough. And maybe he will learn who his real friends are. Or maybe like I was, he will still be friends with them because he is so darned loving and won't let those kids take that away from him(I hope). Only GOD knows. And maybe all I can do as his mother is keep teaching him coping skills. And keep telling him that no matter what happens, he will always have people that do love him and accept him just the way he is.

-V

The new me.

 So I want to talk about my newest venture. I have joined the Origami Owl team! Whoop whoop!! 

This is my 2nd attempt at Independent sales. The first one lasted as long as it took to get the kit, go to 1 meeting and realize I didn't want to sell it. But it was meant to be. It's expensive stuff and I can't see it being lucrative for me personally in the long run as I did not see the point in the majority of the products or the cost. So to say it took some convincing on my part this time around for my husband to get on board, well that's an understatement. And what with my track record and all I didn't blame him. 

This is different!! I told him. And it so is!! One of the best things about Origami Owl is that it's not ridiculously expensive from a consumer perspective. It's not expensive and the quality is there. 
Depending on what people want if you have a base locket you can keep buying and changing out charms over time which are super cheap depending on the season or holidays. It's so worth it once you have a solid collection. And on top of that they just keep coming out with better, more creative, and more personal charms and accessories so the opportunities for the customer and the Designer alike are just endless. In terms of profit, they provide realistic expectations, tons of 'face to face' support and don't just kick you out if you can't or don't want to continue. I was happily surprised at the plethora of information and ways to be accountable and really help yourself to reach even your biggest goals. 

Now I always hated sales. I was semi good at it but always felt guilty making people give me their money. But I do believe that it was because I didn't find a product I was confident in. Or an organization. I am humbled by the 'family' atmosphere of Origami Owl. How even the highest execs aren't really that far away. I'm happy about the online videos motivating us Designers and pushing us to be the best we can be. I'm so overjoyed by this newfound sense of courage I have since joining. I really don't remember ever feeling this way. 

But this company changed my entire view. Simply put I love this company. I also love their stuff. I hope to one day have a full and beautiful inventory and then have a 'personal' one of my own as well.  I am surprising myself every day with my creativity, my willingness to learn new things, and even sad to say my intelligence level. haha!!! I don't say that because I don't think I'm intelligent. I am a stellar intellectual. Ha! 

But the fact is, I have come to understand that for me as a Mom(and a stay at home Mom for 8 years), my brain became mush. Plus with all the lack of sleep over time with kids and just rebelling against the 'Gotta get a good nights sleep because the kids will be up early' well it takes a toll on anyone. I also have a mental illness which kind of got worse over time with having babies but again, this only adds to my confidence. I am a Mom to 3 kids, one with 2 health issues and 2 ailing in laws living with us and in my care A LOT. But since starting this only last week, I feel alive again. I feel needed and productive and have hope that through all the feelings of worthlessness I've felt I have finally reached the top of the mountain. I can finally feel the sunshine on my face as if I were standing right in front of it. I have a business of my own and can stand on my own two feet and proudly say I am going to kill this thing!!!! Woohoo!!!! 

In the meantime if you want to check out my site so you can see what it's like, or even the merchandise please visit me at  www.whatsmystory.origamiowl.com 

Sincerely, Virginia