Every day, everywhere you look. Separation. Divorce. Separation. Divorce. In life, friends, on TV, in magazines. Articles on 'How to cope'. On 'How to be civil with the children'. 'How to properly address divorce and moving out with your children'. No, I am not a divorcee. So some might say I may not understand. But you're wrong. I do understand. I've spoken to so many divorcee's and asked 'the' question. What made you finally decide to end your marriage. I won't say what response I got because every one was different. Just like every situation was different.
My husband and I are happily married. However, we can argue with the best of them. My husband and I have had wars. We have moments that make both of us want to pull our hair out and I'm sure each others. There are even days (though I realize you're just not supposed to say this), that I wonder what it would be like to be someone else for a day. Or to have a different life. Days that make you wanna 'shake the shit out of a bitch' as Chris Rock so eloquently put it. But as much as I dearly Love my husband, and our life, that doesn't mean I haven't thought about the fact that I could use a bit more freedom. Not for the purposes of meeting another guy, but to be my own person, come and go as I please and do whatever I want at any given time. We don't always get along. We don't like the same TV shows. He's technical and brilliant and I sometimes get caught off guard by a blond joke. We are also completely 100% opposite on how we handle finances. It's called, he handles them and I have no clue how. I'm not unintelligent. I just don't know how 'not' to spend money. Then again, who wants to be with someone who is exactly like themselves? Aren't the differences why we like the other person? Aren't the mysteries of today worth to know what will happen tomorrow? Isn't that why we married the person? (Most of the time?) What's so wrong with having a heated discussion anyway?
As far as I'm concerned I come upon far too many people that don't talk to each other face to face. They complain until they are blue in the face about their spouse. What's bothering them, what they've done or said to hurt their feelings. Yet never sit them down to tell the person they are bitching about what they feel. Subsequently before you've realized it, 10 years or more of all that 'lacking' has done some pretty irreparable damage and there is no other solution and no other way to discuss it other than to say good-bye. What's worse, chances are at this point, there are kids involved. All because you weren't honest with what you wanted in your lives. Or because you didn't have the energy or make the time to talk. Divorce has just become altogether too popular.
My husband and I are happily married. However, we can argue with the best of them. My husband and I have had wars. We have moments that make both of us want to pull our hair out and I'm sure each others. There are even days (though I realize you're just not supposed to say this), that I wonder what it would be like to be someone else for a day. Or to have a different life. Days that make you wanna 'shake the shit out of a bitch' as Chris Rock so eloquently put it. But as much as I dearly Love my husband, and our life, that doesn't mean I haven't thought about the fact that I could use a bit more freedom. Not for the purposes of meeting another guy, but to be my own person, come and go as I please and do whatever I want at any given time. We don't always get along. We don't like the same TV shows. He's technical and brilliant and I sometimes get caught off guard by a blond joke. We are also completely 100% opposite on how we handle finances. It's called, he handles them and I have no clue how. I'm not unintelligent. I just don't know how 'not' to spend money. Then again, who wants to be with someone who is exactly like themselves? Aren't the differences why we like the other person? Aren't the mysteries of today worth to know what will happen tomorrow? Isn't that why we married the person? (Most of the time?) What's so wrong with having a heated discussion anyway?
As far as I'm concerned I come upon far too many people that don't talk to each other face to face. They complain until they are blue in the face about their spouse. What's bothering them, what they've done or said to hurt their feelings. Yet never sit them down to tell the person they are bitching about what they feel. Subsequently before you've realized it, 10 years or more of all that 'lacking' has done some pretty irreparable damage and there is no other solution and no other way to discuss it other than to say good-bye. What's worse, chances are at this point, there are kids involved. All because you weren't honest with what you wanted in your lives. Or because you didn't have the energy or make the time to talk. Divorce has just become altogether too popular.
Infidelity, miscommunication, getting married for the wrong reasons, physical, emotional, and mental abuse. Drug abuse, deadbeat parents, the list goes on. I get it. Very very legitimate reasons. But still, the fact is overwhelming that the quantity of divorces far outweigh the quality of marriages and the success of them as well. It's become such a normal part of society that it begs the question. What does marriage mean today? In this day and age what does it mean that if you get tired of the old you can just say eh, fuck it and go out and start over?!
I've heard people say 'you shouldn't stay with someone if you're unhappy'. I get that. Who doesn't want to be happy? And anyone who is or was married understand that it's certainly not all peaches and cream most of the time. But isn't that a bit of a cop out? Well ya see I just wasn't getting enough blowjobs and we just didn't seem to get along so I figured eh, let me just go ahead and get the hell out of here. As they say, 'The grass is always greener'. But is it really?
As 'glutton for punishment' as this may sound I happen to love the chaos. And I do realize this is me personally and not everyone else, but I love the craziness, the unpredictability, and even the negative things about marriage sometimes. Because I know that when things are better and they do always get better (if you want it enough), they are phenomenal. You feel euphoric, whole, 'at home'. Despite the differences, the lack of freedom, or even the lack of money. When two people want to be together above all else, they will do what it takes. And that does mean EVERYTHING. That feeling when you know you have someone there regardless of circumstance, that has your back, and will be right there at home waiting for you. well, lets just say nothing compares. So in my opinion the real problem isn't necessarily that you got tired of the old. Or even that the other person works too much or even that they cheated! I think at the end of the day the same problem exists with keeping a marriage alive and well, just as with the majority of the problem in this country.
Accountability. It's easier to get away from what you did wrong. In the marriage, in your life. Even if it has nothing to do with the marriage itself. What faults you have that may be very visible to someone that knows you sometimes better than you know yourself. The responsibility and the work it takes to be a wife/husband. The loss of freedom. The loss of oneself sometimes. The loss, the loss, the loss. It's easier to get away from who YOU are when you keep starting over. Instead of being accountable for who you are and loving yourself and loving someone else. Or being accountable for your actions regardless of how trivial. How you act. What you say. The dissection of your entire being. It's not for everyone. Many people don't even know themselves before they get married let alone know the other person entirely. Or even just a smidgen.
As 'glutton for punishment' as this may sound I happen to love the chaos. And I do realize this is me personally and not everyone else, but I love the craziness, the unpredictability, and even the negative things about marriage sometimes. Because I know that when things are better and they do always get better (if you want it enough), they are phenomenal. You feel euphoric, whole, 'at home'. Despite the differences, the lack of freedom, or even the lack of money. When two people want to be together above all else, they will do what it takes. And that does mean EVERYTHING. That feeling when you know you have someone there regardless of circumstance, that has your back, and will be right there at home waiting for you. well, lets just say nothing compares. So in my opinion the real problem isn't necessarily that you got tired of the old. Or even that the other person works too much or even that they cheated! I think at the end of the day the same problem exists with keeping a marriage alive and well, just as with the majority of the problem in this country.
Accountability. It's easier to get away from what you did wrong. In the marriage, in your life. Even if it has nothing to do with the marriage itself. What faults you have that may be very visible to someone that knows you sometimes better than you know yourself. The responsibility and the work it takes to be a wife/husband. The loss of freedom. The loss of oneself sometimes. The loss, the loss, the loss. It's easier to get away from who YOU are when you keep starting over. Instead of being accountable for who you are and loving yourself and loving someone else. Or being accountable for your actions regardless of how trivial. How you act. What you say. The dissection of your entire being. It's not for everyone. Many people don't even know themselves before they get married let alone know the other person entirely. Or even just a smidgen.
Now I realize that this is not always the case. There are many stories on both sides to attest to this I'm sure. And I am absolutely NOT saying that people who get separated or divorced are bad. At all. Some of my best friends are divorced and I support them 100%. I love them dearly. And I wish them 'nothing' but happiness.
So in light of that, lets raise our glass and give a toast to all relationships, marriages and the like and hope they have found what they are looking for. If not, I wish you luck in doing so. -V
'Marriage is neither heaven nor hell, but simply purgatory' -Abraham Lincoln
