So yesterday was my 37th birthday. And although I'm not 'old' per se' (unless you talk to a teenager), I'm not 'spring chicken-ish' anymore. So I figured I'd share 5 major things I've learned in my 37 years on this earth. I'm not a pro at this Life thing by any stretch. But Louis C.K. said it best. He said older people are smarter. If you are in an argument with someone and they're older, you should listen to them. It doesn't mean they're right, it just means their life is rooted in more information than you have.
The point here is, if I can share my so called wisdom and it helps someone on their journey, then at least I feel like I did something. So...here goes.
1) Nothing is ever as it appears :
After I had my 3rd baby, my sweet boy Patrick, I had a nervous breakdown. I have Bipolar 2 disorder so it was inevitable as I was not medicated throughout my entire pregnancy. I was not educated enough about my disease as it was a fairly new diagnosis and I thought I had my plan down as to how I would handle things. Boy was I in for a reality check. Through it though as with any severe trauma we go through in life, it's a class. And I was the pupil. I connected with people I might have judged pre baby thanks to stigma. Imagine a person with a mental illness exhibiting stigma! As if! The thing is, it's really easy to forget what shit is until you step in it right? So the lesson here is, regardless of what people look like, smell like(hopefully not too rank), act like....we all have our struggles. Never judge someone. Anyone. Because you never know what they are feeling, thinking, going through. You could be passing up a best friend for all you know! That smile you just gave that man in the grocery store could even pull him from the ledge.
2) Needing a break is OK and does not a bad person make you:
So I have a mental illness. We've established this. But even if I didn't, I would say that if you can get a break away from your life, job, kids even for 5 minutes, take it. It's not a crime to need to get away and be alone to hear your own thoughts. I wrote an entire blog about this. We all need to stop and smell the flowers. And it will be in those moments of gathering yourself together and breathing, that you can clear your mind and get back to remembering who you are. Which creates stability, strength, and understanding. It will only make you a better person. So breathe on warrior, while you sip that cocktail. Or coffee or tea or whatever the hell you drink. But in silence.
3) If you have something to say, just say it ! :
I've seen a lot of people go through life never telling the truth. Including myself. Before you get all bent out of shape, I don't mean lying. Although I think everyone has had their moments. What I mean is, not expressing to someone such as your friend, family member, co-worker how you really feel. Or what you really think. Whether it be about some inappropriate behavior, how the person was a bit of a bossy ass, or maybe how they might have treated you in a particular situation. Think about it this way. Would you want someone to be honest, with the possibility that it may hurt you, in the meantime teaching you about people or yourself? Or have a relationship where you never really scratch through the surface? Seems like the latter is a bit of a waste of time. I know some of you may be resistant to confrontation. But is it really that? Or are you just afraid to be alone? Hmmm......things to think about.
4) Change is inevitable, just accept it :
Boy oh boy, life sure would be a dream if that were true right? I have met so many people who refuse to accept change. Look around. How many people did you see just this morning with the same hair do they wore back in 1975? Probably more than you care to admit. Here's the deal. Our life is a school. We are here to learn, end of story. How are we to do that when we refuse to move out of our comfort zone? When we refuse to crack away the glue (or cement for some) that we have laid down around ourselves? The majority of those people that cling so hard to the past are the same ones who feel 'stuck' in their life. There's a reason. Because they are. The only way to get past it is to have the courage to accept that regardless of what happens to you, everything changes. Hairstyles, society, people, nature, life, hell, the planet ! On a daily basis ! So instead of leaving yourself behind, get that pick ax out and start hacking away at that cement. Come on out and join us on this beautiful journey and take a shot at being happy. Who knows what might happen.
5) You are much stronger than you think :
I saved the best for last. Lets look at the human body. What happens when you get a cut? Your skin opens, your body immediately goes into 'war' mode. This is a quote straight from WebMD.
* When your tissue is damaged, a chemical gets released into your bloodstream, and it acts as a distress call to start the process. Cells called platelets rush to the scene.
Rough edges of the blood vessel wall help them stick together and form a plug, filling in small tears and sending out more chemical triggers. Then proteins called "clotting factors" finish the job, trapping blood cells in a mesh-like net.
Wow! How awesome is the human body that on a cellular level, it knows exactly what to do to fix itself?!. Does that work for everything in the body? No. But what is does show us is that we are meant to fight. Our evolution has brought us to a place where although we as humans don't always make the best choices, we still, somehow always find a way to survive. And you can too. It's not easy, I know. Not even close. But you can do it! The fact that you are sitting here reading this means that you made it through to another day! Kudos! Give yourself a pat on the back and keep up the good work! Just remember, regardless of your struggles, you are NOT, nor are you ever alone. And despite what you may think, there will always be more. More courage, more love, more strength deep inside of you. Even if you can't see it sometimes. So get your ass up and get on !.....with love of course.
I hope this was inspirational. And I hope that you are your best self today. Because I am my best self today. And if I can do it, so can you !
Namaste' _/|\_
-V
Friday, October 30, 2015
Wednesday, October 21, 2015
10 things I hate about being a stay at home parent, and the 1 thing I don't. (TMI ALERT!)
So....you're a stay at home Mom(Or Dad). And there are days you want to pull your hair out and throw it in a pan and fry it up. But you don't because that smell would just be gross and everyone would vomit. OK anyway here are 10 things I hate about being a stay at home parent and the 1 thing I don't. Enjoy!
1) ' I absolutely hate not being able to poop alone ': I know we've heard all this before. But seriously the other day I was pooping and I had to open the door as the baby was beating it up with a toy and screaming. So if opening the door will shut him up I'll do it. But then my 4 and a 1/2 year old runs in and is yelling in my face about the video game he is playing and what the characters are doing. Firstly stop putting shit in my face and seriously don't you smell that? Doesn't that horrify you enough that you would just stop like you're hitting a wall and be like baaahh!! What is the matter with you? Why are you in here??!!!!
2) ' Picking up everyone's shit ': So here's the deal. I know I do this too. But you see that's where the problem begins. Like there are days where I find it hard to just take care of my shit. I have to pick all my shit up, and put it away. Sometimes it doesn't get done either. So now I have to pick up my shit and everyone else's too! I find shit in other shit that doesn't belong with that shit! Seriously! Pick up your shit! Put it away! Organize it! Toys, socks(oh god don't even get me started like seriously? Dirty socks stuffed in toys and play suitcases?). Why is it that it's all got to fall on me? At ages 7, 5 and 42 I think they are fully capable of not leaving their dirty socks on the kitchen table, or their dirty clothes on my bathroom floor, beer bottles on the sink for a week, or toys strewn about on my dining room table. Like what do I look like? Don't let the title 'Mom' and 'Wife' fool you. I'm not your damn maid! I mean shit! (too many 'shits'? )
3) ' The present ': So yeah, the thing I live for the most is when I have to use the bathroom and I find a present in the toilet. Yep you guessed it! Because you couldn't take that 2 extra seconds to flush the cotton picking toilet?! I have to find your dump?! Or your pee?! Because that's my life. Pee, poop and feeding you all. Take that! (flippin the bird whilst biting my lower lip in a very mean fashion).
4) ' Being the only functioning adult in the room when there is in fact 2 functioning adults in the room ': So there my husband is sitting all comfy and relaxed on the couch watching TV.I just happen to be up doing something and here those little trolls come asking me for shit. Mooooom, can I have a drink? Moooooom?, can I have a snack? Moooooom?, Where's my big spiderman doll with the black belt and the blue motorcycle? Dude really? Because I know exactly where every one of your toys sits at all times of the day. I am doing the dishes, you see that guy over there? Yeah, he's Daddy, go ask him. 5 minutes later you know what happens right? Moooooom? Dad said no. Dad said he doesn't know where it is. It never ends.
5) 'As soon as I sit down you're going to ask me for everything aren't you?': I swear there must be a conspiracy. Maybe my husband installed a sensor on all the chairs in the house. Because as you all know as soon as you sit your ass down on something the kid alarm goes off and all of a sudden they are in dire need of everything but the kitchen sink. They need food, drinks, helping finding something, someone to wipe their ass, help with homework, or better yet they broke something and I need to get right on back up and fix it. Or someone spilled something. Really? I really can't sit for 2 seconds without you asking me for something? Good thing Dad isn't home! OH wait, there he is right there!......uhhhh(sighing)
6) ' Before we leave do you have to use the bathroom ?': We've all been there right? Running late to drop a preschooler off at school or to some sort of practice. Or to a family members house 2 hrs away. We always ask and then wonder why we even bothered wasting our breath. 'Do you have to go potty? Because it's going to be a few minutes until we get to your school'. 'No, I don't have to go!(with attitude no less)'. OK, lets go. Get in the car, get halfway there, jammin out to my tunes or morning show feeling great that I am calm and centered and....'Moooooom?' I have to poop'! 'Ok buddy we are almost at your school, just hold it'. 'But I have to go really bad!' ..............silence............grimaced face.........UHHHHH(sighing loudly). Seriously?! Did I not ask you before we left if you had to use the potty? What did you say? (Trying to rationalize the situation as if that is going to change absolutely anything). Yay! time to stop at the dirty gas station bathroom so you can take a dump. Thanks kid!! (shaking fists)
7) ' How the hell did you get that up there?!': You know what I'm talking about. You're cleaning, or at least pretending to and you look up at the ceiling in the corner of your bathroom (exaggeration), and there is a drop of chocolate milk. Or fruit pouch squirt. Or chewed up chicken nugget or overcooked mashed then crusted blueberry waffle. And you stand there looking at it. 'Hmmmm'. Did you have a Jackson Pollock party up in this bitch? How the shit did you get Chocolate milk up there? On doorways, down in the recesses of the mouldings behind the couch where you never go. There it is. I guess my kids must be food artists or something. At this point I'm going to start taking photographs and selling them. Come on, you know you want one. ;)
8) ' Is this a bracelet? ' : We all know that as parents we have ZERO privacy. But there is nothing like the day that you are trying to fold laundry and your kid walks out of your bathroom with one of your 'intimate' play things wrapped around his wrist. (And no I am not divulging, so just use your imagination). 'What's this Mom'? 'Is this a bracelet'? You kind of freeze up for a second in shock before taking it out of their hands and running very suspiciously back into the bathroom and putting it back. Ummm...no, it's just not yours and it's not for you and uhhhh...ummm it's DADS, JUST GO IN YOUR ROOM AND PLAY!! ..Phew! That wasn't uncomfortable at all.
9) ' Get dressed? Pfft! ': Every stay at home parent has had the PJ day. Where you don't have anywhere to go and you have no cause or justification for getting dressed. At some point though upon having those days I end up scaring the shit out of myself when I go into the bathroom to wash my hands and accidentally look in the mirror. My hair is disheveled, and probably greasy at this point, my clothes are stained and the colors I've chosen to wear together make me fully aware that there will be no answering the door should anyone decide to drop by. Not even the UPS guy. However sometimes the Mommy brain does get the best of me and I forget all about how I look. I bounce to the door so excitedly at the thought of conversing with another adult even for 5 seconds. I stand there watching them desperately as they go into their truck thinking 'Oh what fun it must be to get paid to work'. And then the horror when you go inside and realize that you forgot to put on a bra in the morning and your nips were waving hello to the UPS guy too. Such fun times.
10) ' TV may be the Devil but that Devil and my kids are bff's ! ' : Stats show you shouldn't allow kids under 2 to watch TV. Well shit...my 2 yr old already has his favorite show and will shut the fuck up nice when I put his little couch in front of the TV and let him watch his Thomas. Or lately Heidi on netflix. My other 2 will also be Angel's when they can watch a movie or play a video game. Is it the best solution? The most healthy? Not really sure. But I wouldn't get a flippin thing done without it. As a matter of fact on days where I have felt like #1 Mom doing the best job I know how I've limited their TV time. And let me tell you I did drink on those nights. So I have to Thank TV for allowing me to feel functioning and not a drunk. Hey, gotta aim high right?
And last but not least the 1 thing I do absolutely positively love about being a stay at home parent. My kids. It's a shitty job but someone has to do it. After all the drama and ridiculousness, there is a charm in the mess and a life well lived in the destruction of everything you hold dear. I hope. One day I'll look back on these years from the room of my nursing home(a.k.a mental institution) and be grateful. Until then, let the chaos commence!! :o)
-V
1) ' I absolutely hate not being able to poop alone ': I know we've heard all this before. But seriously the other day I was pooping and I had to open the door as the baby was beating it up with a toy and screaming. So if opening the door will shut him up I'll do it. But then my 4 and a 1/2 year old runs in and is yelling in my face about the video game he is playing and what the characters are doing. Firstly stop putting shit in my face and seriously don't you smell that? Doesn't that horrify you enough that you would just stop like you're hitting a wall and be like baaahh!! What is the matter with you? Why are you in here??!!!!
2) ' Picking up everyone's shit ': So here's the deal. I know I do this too. But you see that's where the problem begins. Like there are days where I find it hard to just take care of my shit. I have to pick all my shit up, and put it away. Sometimes it doesn't get done either. So now I have to pick up my shit and everyone else's too! I find shit in other shit that doesn't belong with that shit! Seriously! Pick up your shit! Put it away! Organize it! Toys, socks(oh god don't even get me started like seriously? Dirty socks stuffed in toys and play suitcases?). Why is it that it's all got to fall on me? At ages 7, 5 and 42 I think they are fully capable of not leaving their dirty socks on the kitchen table, or their dirty clothes on my bathroom floor, beer bottles on the sink for a week, or toys strewn about on my dining room table. Like what do I look like? Don't let the title 'Mom' and 'Wife' fool you. I'm not your damn maid! I mean shit! (too many 'shits'? )
3) ' The present ': So yeah, the thing I live for the most is when I have to use the bathroom and I find a present in the toilet. Yep you guessed it! Because you couldn't take that 2 extra seconds to flush the cotton picking toilet?! I have to find your dump?! Or your pee?! Because that's my life. Pee, poop and feeding you all. Take that! (flippin the bird whilst biting my lower lip in a very mean fashion).
4) ' Being the only functioning adult in the room when there is in fact 2 functioning adults in the room ': So there my husband is sitting all comfy and relaxed on the couch watching TV.I just happen to be up doing something and here those little trolls come asking me for shit. Mooooom, can I have a drink? Moooooom?, can I have a snack? Moooooom?, Where's my big spiderman doll with the black belt and the blue motorcycle? Dude really? Because I know exactly where every one of your toys sits at all times of the day. I am doing the dishes, you see that guy over there? Yeah, he's Daddy, go ask him. 5 minutes later you know what happens right? Moooooom? Dad said no. Dad said he doesn't know where it is. It never ends.
5) 'As soon as I sit down you're going to ask me for everything aren't you?': I swear there must be a conspiracy. Maybe my husband installed a sensor on all the chairs in the house. Because as you all know as soon as you sit your ass down on something the kid alarm goes off and all of a sudden they are in dire need of everything but the kitchen sink. They need food, drinks, helping finding something, someone to wipe their ass, help with homework, or better yet they broke something and I need to get right on back up and fix it. Or someone spilled something. Really? I really can't sit for 2 seconds without you asking me for something? Good thing Dad isn't home! OH wait, there he is right there!......uhhhh(sighing)
6) ' Before we leave do you have to use the bathroom ?': We've all been there right? Running late to drop a preschooler off at school or to some sort of practice. Or to a family members house 2 hrs away. We always ask and then wonder why we even bothered wasting our breath. 'Do you have to go potty? Because it's going to be a few minutes until we get to your school'. 'No, I don't have to go!(with attitude no less)'. OK, lets go. Get in the car, get halfway there, jammin out to my tunes or morning show feeling great that I am calm and centered and....'Moooooom?' I have to poop'! 'Ok buddy we are almost at your school, just hold it'. 'But I have to go really bad!' ..............silence............grimaced face.........UHHHHH(sighing loudly). Seriously?! Did I not ask you before we left if you had to use the potty? What did you say? (Trying to rationalize the situation as if that is going to change absolutely anything). Yay! time to stop at the dirty gas station bathroom so you can take a dump. Thanks kid!! (shaking fists)
7) ' How the hell did you get that up there?!': You know what I'm talking about. You're cleaning, or at least pretending to and you look up at the ceiling in the corner of your bathroom (exaggeration), and there is a drop of chocolate milk. Or fruit pouch squirt. Or chewed up chicken nugget or overcooked mashed then crusted blueberry waffle. And you stand there looking at it. 'Hmmmm'. Did you have a Jackson Pollock party up in this bitch? How the shit did you get Chocolate milk up there? On doorways, down in the recesses of the mouldings behind the couch where you never go. There it is. I guess my kids must be food artists or something. At this point I'm going to start taking photographs and selling them. Come on, you know you want one. ;)
8) ' Is this a bracelet? ' : We all know that as parents we have ZERO privacy. But there is nothing like the day that you are trying to fold laundry and your kid walks out of your bathroom with one of your 'intimate' play things wrapped around his wrist. (And no I am not divulging, so just use your imagination). 'What's this Mom'? 'Is this a bracelet'? You kind of freeze up for a second in shock before taking it out of their hands and running very suspiciously back into the bathroom and putting it back. Ummm...no, it's just not yours and it's not for you and uhhhh...ummm it's DADS, JUST GO IN YOUR ROOM AND PLAY!! ..Phew! That wasn't uncomfortable at all.
9) ' Get dressed? Pfft! ': Every stay at home parent has had the PJ day. Where you don't have anywhere to go and you have no cause or justification for getting dressed. At some point though upon having those days I end up scaring the shit out of myself when I go into the bathroom to wash my hands and accidentally look in the mirror. My hair is disheveled, and probably greasy at this point, my clothes are stained and the colors I've chosen to wear together make me fully aware that there will be no answering the door should anyone decide to drop by. Not even the UPS guy. However sometimes the Mommy brain does get the best of me and I forget all about how I look. I bounce to the door so excitedly at the thought of conversing with another adult even for 5 seconds. I stand there watching them desperately as they go into their truck thinking 'Oh what fun it must be to get paid to work'. And then the horror when you go inside and realize that you forgot to put on a bra in the morning and your nips were waving hello to the UPS guy too. Such fun times.
10) ' TV may be the Devil but that Devil and my kids are bff's ! ' : Stats show you shouldn't allow kids under 2 to watch TV. Well shit...my 2 yr old already has his favorite show and will shut the fuck up nice when I put his little couch in front of the TV and let him watch his Thomas. Or lately Heidi on netflix. My other 2 will also be Angel's when they can watch a movie or play a video game. Is it the best solution? The most healthy? Not really sure. But I wouldn't get a flippin thing done without it. As a matter of fact on days where I have felt like #1 Mom doing the best job I know how I've limited their TV time. And let me tell you I did drink on those nights. So I have to Thank TV for allowing me to feel functioning and not a drunk. Hey, gotta aim high right?
And last but not least the 1 thing I do absolutely positively love about being a stay at home parent. My kids. It's a shitty job but someone has to do it. After all the drama and ridiculousness, there is a charm in the mess and a life well lived in the destruction of everything you hold dear. I hope. One day I'll look back on these years from the room of my nursing home(a.k.a mental institution) and be grateful. Until then, let the chaos commence!! :o)
-V
Thursday, August 13, 2015
A Home.
A house does not equal a 'Home'.
It is but a place that keeps you shielded from the rain, or the heat, or the cold and snow.
But it is just a place. It is not tangible although that's what it implies. No. We have many homes in our lifetimes. Even if we've stayed in one place our entire lives.
No spot of land could ever equal 'A Home'. Only others can do that. The people we choose to let in.
Home is the imprint on our soul from the one we love. From our children. The pets you call family. The Friends you put there. The memories, which are so much richer than that which costs money. It's the kisses, and 'I Love You's'. The 'Good Jobs' and many milestones and unexpected curves of life that you ride together.
Home is the laughter, and the tears that are shared. But also the sorrows and disagreements. The mending and the fixing of those relationships. The constants and continuations. The losses. Home is where the most raw emotions are felt. And where the most important decisions are made. It is the 'everything'. All the time, hand in hand, heart to heart.
A home is never and will never be defined by it's walled limits. But by the people.
By the Family and friends you welcome in asking them to stay and love and live and be.....together...
Forever. <3
So......we are moving again. Back to North Carolina. It comes with sorrow and excitement. Bittersweet, as they say. I've made some pretty rich and amazing friendships. Got to have some very great and memorable times with my family. I am always and forever grateful for it. And for the lessons I've learned while being here in New York. And who knows what the future holds maybe bringing us back here or someplace closer, or whatever one day. You just never know. All I can do is grieve the loss of the time I won't have with some of the most important people in my life. Easy right? No..it's not. And it won't be. But...I will be OK. We all will....eventually. And what makes things so awesome is that I have friends who are like family already waiting for us down there. I'm very excited about that. I mean moving sucks. There is no way around it. Even though we are getting the movers to pack for us, and move everything I still have a lot to do and with 3 crazy kids in tow. Thank GOD Shawn is home. But I wanted to convey how even though we will miss our house it's just a place. The memories that are made are with us and not with the house. And are with our family and friends, not necessarily the places those memories are made. It's in our home inside of us in our soul.
So. Here's to new lessons, rekindled old friendships, new experiences, a healthy future, and new beginnings for all of us. And all of you.
-V
It is but a place that keeps you shielded from the rain, or the heat, or the cold and snow.
It is simply a dwelling. An apartment, A cottage, A long house or wigwam. It can be a tent or even the night sky for some.
But it is just a place. It is not tangible although that's what it implies. No. We have many homes in our lifetimes. Even if we've stayed in one place our entire lives.
No spot of land could ever equal 'A Home'. Only others can do that. The people we choose to let in.
Home is the imprint on our soul from the one we love. From our children. The pets you call family. The Friends you put there. The memories, which are so much richer than that which costs money. It's the kisses, and 'I Love You's'. The 'Good Jobs' and many milestones and unexpected curves of life that you ride together.
Home is the laughter, and the tears that are shared. But also the sorrows and disagreements. The mending and the fixing of those relationships. The constants and continuations. The losses. Home is where the most raw emotions are felt. And where the most important decisions are made. It is the 'everything'. All the time, hand in hand, heart to heart.
A home is never and will never be defined by it's walled limits. But by the people.
By the Family and friends you welcome in asking them to stay and love and live and be.....together...
Forever. <3
So......we are moving again. Back to North Carolina. It comes with sorrow and excitement. Bittersweet, as they say. I've made some pretty rich and amazing friendships. Got to have some very great and memorable times with my family. I am always and forever grateful for it. And for the lessons I've learned while being here in New York. And who knows what the future holds maybe bringing us back here or someplace closer, or whatever one day. You just never know. All I can do is grieve the loss of the time I won't have with some of the most important people in my life. Easy right? No..it's not. And it won't be. But...I will be OK. We all will....eventually. And what makes things so awesome is that I have friends who are like family already waiting for us down there. I'm very excited about that. I mean moving sucks. There is no way around it. Even though we are getting the movers to pack for us, and move everything I still have a lot to do and with 3 crazy kids in tow. Thank GOD Shawn is home. But I wanted to convey how even though we will miss our house it's just a place. The memories that are made are with us and not with the house. And are with our family and friends, not necessarily the places those memories are made. It's in our home inside of us in our soul.
So. Here's to new lessons, rekindled old friendships, new experiences, a healthy future, and new beginnings for all of us. And all of you.
-V
Friday, February 20, 2015
" Me who? " ((T.M.I ALERT !!))
So I was sick as a dog yesterday. Some kind of stomach bug that has traveled around my house and literally 'through' all of us. And whilst I had to spend so much time in the bathroom shitting my brains out I thought about something.
I felt well.....guilty. I felt completely guilty that I was sick and shitting my brains out instead of being healthy and able to take care of my kids. I felt guilty that all I wanted to do was not be near them or around them or to cater to their every need and whine and for my littlest...diapers.
Especially in the early AM when the virus manifestation was hitting me pretty hard. I could barely talk. I was so nauseous I thought 'I'm definitely going to vomit today'. Thank GOD I didn't. But the baby had a particularly nice diaper for me. One of those very very loose ones that leaks out of the sides. I could barely get up and this kid was needing me to clean him up in all his nastiness and then walk all the way upstairs and get more clothes. Uhhhhh(sighing).
Then after I had just laid down on the couch (feeling guilty for that as well) my son decides to drop the cup that I just made for him all over the floor. I showed those kids a different side of me for the moment. And that made me feel guilty too. I later apologized for said negative expressions and they knew it wasn't about them, but still.
So I was (still kind of am but not as badly) sick as a dog. It felt like the flu but without the projectile vomiting and I STILL.FELT.GUILTY ! I felt guilty laying up in the bed when my husband finally made it home in the afternoon. Every time I heard their feet on the floor downstairs or the baby crawling around I thought 'I should be there! Feeding them and wiping their faces, and boogers and giving them cookie kisses'. But I couldn't. And I felt terrible about it. And all I can say after that is WTF?! And the funny yet sad thing is...I know I'm not the only one to feel this way! But why is that? Why do Moms feel so guilty? Why is it so horrible that we just wanna be able to do something, ANYTHING in peace? Or just without the kids present? Those that don't have children have no clue what it's like. And I'm not trying to be arrogant. It's the same with animals. Just trying to take a shower and get dressed or to cook a meal. Or better still, leave the house. It takes me sometimes 30 minutes to just leave my house. This is in the winter of course so it's 2 layers on each kid, repeating 80 times to get their shoes on. Dealing with a bit of phony helplessness. Then the baby who is 17 mths old and still can't walk so he sees that coat and goes crawling off. I'm sweating by the time I'm putting my coat on just from the anxiety of it all. And still.....the guilt. Is it engrained? Conditioned? Think back to when you were little. Did your parents press upon you the usual ideals of being a woman? Taking care of everything? Mine did. To this day my mom still waits on my father hand and foot and never really had an outside job or a want for one. Which is fine, but it's just not for me. I want more. And of course...the guilt ensues.
I just read this article that I will post at the end of this entry. I think it sums it up brilliantly. It states that when you feel guilty, it actually means you're taking care of yourself. After all, we may be Super Moms, but we are human beings. We need to feel challenged mentally, and I don't mean by listening to 2 kids having a screaming match all day and a baby who's teething and has an ear infection. We need a physical adult connection with the outside world. We need to read a book, or a newspaper, or Facebook! We don't 'want' these things. We need these things. We need to take a nap, or go out on a date. We need fresh air and sunshine, alone. It's essential that we do what we have to do to remain sane, happy and be the best partner, spouse, wife, or husband we can be. As a matter of fact, it is our right as women. Maybe it doesn't state that on the Bill of Rights but we can enforce our own life rules can't we? Lord knows if we don't take that time, everything falls apart. Especially us.
At the end of March my husband and I will be taking a little trip alone while my Mom is here watching the kids. Not sure where yet, but part of me feels guilty about it. Which is normal. It will be the longest time away from the kids. However the other side of me, cannot wait to just lay in bed all day (if I so choose) with my love and not have to worry about a damn thing. So check out this article. And be gentle with yourself.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/40-percent-and-rising/why-your-mommy-guilt-can-be-good-for-you_b_6621578.html
I felt well.....guilty. I felt completely guilty that I was sick and shitting my brains out instead of being healthy and able to take care of my kids. I felt guilty that all I wanted to do was not be near them or around them or to cater to their every need and whine and for my littlest...diapers.
Especially in the early AM when the virus manifestation was hitting me pretty hard. I could barely talk. I was so nauseous I thought 'I'm definitely going to vomit today'. Thank GOD I didn't. But the baby had a particularly nice diaper for me. One of those very very loose ones that leaks out of the sides. I could barely get up and this kid was needing me to clean him up in all his nastiness and then walk all the way upstairs and get more clothes. Uhhhhh(sighing).
Then after I had just laid down on the couch (feeling guilty for that as well) my son decides to drop the cup that I just made for him all over the floor. I showed those kids a different side of me for the moment. And that made me feel guilty too. I later apologized for said negative expressions and they knew it wasn't about them, but still.
So I was (still kind of am but not as badly) sick as a dog. It felt like the flu but without the projectile vomiting and I STILL.FELT.GUILTY ! I felt guilty laying up in the bed when my husband finally made it home in the afternoon. Every time I heard their feet on the floor downstairs or the baby crawling around I thought 'I should be there! Feeding them and wiping their faces, and boogers and giving them cookie kisses'. But I couldn't. And I felt terrible about it. And all I can say after that is WTF?! And the funny yet sad thing is...I know I'm not the only one to feel this way! But why is that? Why do Moms feel so guilty? Why is it so horrible that we just wanna be able to do something, ANYTHING in peace? Or just without the kids present? Those that don't have children have no clue what it's like. And I'm not trying to be arrogant. It's the same with animals. Just trying to take a shower and get dressed or to cook a meal. Or better still, leave the house. It takes me sometimes 30 minutes to just leave my house. This is in the winter of course so it's 2 layers on each kid, repeating 80 times to get their shoes on. Dealing with a bit of phony helplessness. Then the baby who is 17 mths old and still can't walk so he sees that coat and goes crawling off. I'm sweating by the time I'm putting my coat on just from the anxiety of it all. And still.....the guilt. Is it engrained? Conditioned? Think back to when you were little. Did your parents press upon you the usual ideals of being a woman? Taking care of everything? Mine did. To this day my mom still waits on my father hand and foot and never really had an outside job or a want for one. Which is fine, but it's just not for me. I want more. And of course...the guilt ensues.
I just read this article that I will post at the end of this entry. I think it sums it up brilliantly. It states that when you feel guilty, it actually means you're taking care of yourself. After all, we may be Super Moms, but we are human beings. We need to feel challenged mentally, and I don't mean by listening to 2 kids having a screaming match all day and a baby who's teething and has an ear infection. We need a physical adult connection with the outside world. We need to read a book, or a newspaper, or Facebook! We don't 'want' these things. We need these things. We need to take a nap, or go out on a date. We need fresh air and sunshine, alone. It's essential that we do what we have to do to remain sane, happy and be the best partner, spouse, wife, or husband we can be. As a matter of fact, it is our right as women. Maybe it doesn't state that on the Bill of Rights but we can enforce our own life rules can't we? Lord knows if we don't take that time, everything falls apart. Especially us.
At the end of March my husband and I will be taking a little trip alone while my Mom is here watching the kids. Not sure where yet, but part of me feels guilty about it. Which is normal. It will be the longest time away from the kids. However the other side of me, cannot wait to just lay in bed all day (if I so choose) with my love and not have to worry about a damn thing. So check out this article. And be gentle with yourself.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/40-percent-and-rising/why-your-mommy-guilt-can-be-good-for-you_b_6621578.html
Thursday, January 15, 2015
Our Battle as parents
So I was sitting there the other day looking into my baby boy Patrick's beautiful blue eyes. Watching him smile for no reason as he often does and I felt so happy. So full of bliss and joy. Those feelings slowly turned to anger and resentment as my other son Brendan decided to start his usual bit of acting like an jerk. Yes. I said it. My son can be a jerk. I love him. I truly do. But he can be such a jerk that when I look at pictures of him when he was a baby, sometimes I almost see a completely different kid. I find it difficult to remember how awesome it was to have such a good little bub. I forget when he was my sweet little Brendan. He was an amazing baby. Came out of the hospital eating every 4 hrs. I slept great. He went right into his crib. Chilled out anywhere you put him for hours. Napped great during the day, and by 2 mths, all night. He was so curious and cute and LOVED to cuddle. He would sit on mine or my husband's lap for hours. He would even sit all in the nook of my arm and lay on my chest and watch TV so I could nod off from time to time if I was extra tired that day. He wouldn't even move. Sometimes he'd fall asleep on me and I could see his beautiful eye lashes. And I would think about how much more he's brought into my life. Because he has.
But things all went downhill when he was 2 and it was time for us to move.
The idea of moving into a bigger more beautiful and new house was so awesome. Who wouldn't be grateful for that?. But the stress of taking care of 2 little ones full time on top of trying to pack a house to move was to say the least, very high. I also didn't know at the time that I have BiPolar 2 disorder and I had come off the antidepressant that I had taken to avoid Postpartum depression and thought I felt fine. And for the most part I was. But then he started to take things out of boxes after I packed them. I couldn't very well seal the box until it was full and that took time. But it was nonstop. And if he wasn't taking things out of the boxes, he was climbing on top of them. I even have a picture of him sitting on top of 3 huge moving boxes. So high he could touch the ceiling. I took a picture because it's kind of funny but all I could think about was how if he had fallen it would be my fault. And that made me feel aggravated. I was frustrated about having to stop to break up an argument over a toy, to dress the kids, feed them, clean them, change diapers(both were in diapers at the time), watch them, mend a wound(or 2), clean up, do laundry, cook, dishes, bathe them, and put them to bed. And as every parent can attest, there is much more included even within all of those tasks. Far from a small job kids. Add on packing an entire house full of stuff, well I lost it a lot. And I yelled a lot too. At Regan too, but mostly at Brendan. And very very loud. I even scared myself sometimes. I made myself sick thinking about this poor little 2 yr old boy who is simply doing what his age appropriate brain told him he was supposed to do. There were days during this time where I had to lock myself in the bathroom and have my cry out. I felt like a terrible mother. As I'm sure we all have at some point. But for me this time was different. Because I knew the effect it could have on him and I continued to get upset. I didn't know any other way. It was just a very stressful time for all of us.
But these days when he's not acting like a total Jerk, not talking back with that diva attitude that he so aptly loves to share. Or when he's not arguing with me for the 1000th time about how he wants something right now and will not take no for an answer, or he's not taking a temper tantrum because he can't or won't put his shoes/coat etc on by himself or cannot zip it up...well, he is kind. He is sweet, and endearing. He'll do something nice for his sister, and say how he wants to be a bucket filler. When he's not ignoring my husband and I completely while we are simply trying to ask him about school, or press how we have to leave right now, he makes us laugh with his wit and his humor and then says he loves us. In those moments, when he's giving me the sly smile, I see that baby. I see that sweet, cuddly little baby boy that I once knew and still know. I see that even though I made mistakes(as we all do every day), all the good things I've done, and the good lessons I've tried so hard to teach him do resonate. It makes me understand that he has bad days just like the rest of us. He can't be a perfect child, but a child doing the things that kids his age are doing. And that hey, I can be a Jerk too! And so can Regan, and my husband. Maybe even you! HA!We ALL make mistakes. We ALL do and say things we wished we hadn't.
In my opinion if at the end of the day even after our attitudes, mood shifts, stresses, and responsibilities we can still love each other. If we love too in the midst of anger and chaos, and our kids love us back after all of that. Well then I think we've done a great job. Don't you?
I Love you buddy <3
But things all went downhill when he was 2 and it was time for us to move.
The idea of moving into a bigger more beautiful and new house was so awesome. Who wouldn't be grateful for that?. But the stress of taking care of 2 little ones full time on top of trying to pack a house to move was to say the least, very high. I also didn't know at the time that I have BiPolar 2 disorder and I had come off the antidepressant that I had taken to avoid Postpartum depression and thought I felt fine. And for the most part I was. But then he started to take things out of boxes after I packed them. I couldn't very well seal the box until it was full and that took time. But it was nonstop. And if he wasn't taking things out of the boxes, he was climbing on top of them. I even have a picture of him sitting on top of 3 huge moving boxes. So high he could touch the ceiling. I took a picture because it's kind of funny but all I could think about was how if he had fallen it would be my fault. And that made me feel aggravated. I was frustrated about having to stop to break up an argument over a toy, to dress the kids, feed them, clean them, change diapers(both were in diapers at the time), watch them, mend a wound(or 2), clean up, do laundry, cook, dishes, bathe them, and put them to bed. And as every parent can attest, there is much more included even within all of those tasks. Far from a small job kids. Add on packing an entire house full of stuff, well I lost it a lot. And I yelled a lot too. At Regan too, but mostly at Brendan. And very very loud. I even scared myself sometimes. I made myself sick thinking about this poor little 2 yr old boy who is simply doing what his age appropriate brain told him he was supposed to do. There were days during this time where I had to lock myself in the bathroom and have my cry out. I felt like a terrible mother. As I'm sure we all have at some point. But for me this time was different. Because I knew the effect it could have on him and I continued to get upset. I didn't know any other way. It was just a very stressful time for all of us.
But these days when he's not acting like a total Jerk, not talking back with that diva attitude that he so aptly loves to share. Or when he's not arguing with me for the 1000th time about how he wants something right now and will not take no for an answer, or he's not taking a temper tantrum because he can't or won't put his shoes/coat etc on by himself or cannot zip it up...well, he is kind. He is sweet, and endearing. He'll do something nice for his sister, and say how he wants to be a bucket filler. When he's not ignoring my husband and I completely while we are simply trying to ask him about school, or press how we have to leave right now, he makes us laugh with his wit and his humor and then says he loves us. In those moments, when he's giving me the sly smile, I see that baby. I see that sweet, cuddly little baby boy that I once knew and still know. I see that even though I made mistakes(as we all do every day), all the good things I've done, and the good lessons I've tried so hard to teach him do resonate. It makes me understand that he has bad days just like the rest of us. He can't be a perfect child, but a child doing the things that kids his age are doing. And that hey, I can be a Jerk too! And so can Regan, and my husband. Maybe even you! HA!We ALL make mistakes. We ALL do and say things we wished we hadn't.
In my opinion if at the end of the day even after our attitudes, mood shifts, stresses, and responsibilities we can still love each other. If we love too in the midst of anger and chaos, and our kids love us back after all of that. Well then I think we've done a great job. Don't you?
I Love you buddy <3
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