So....you're a stay at home Mom(Or Dad). And there are days you want to pull your hair out and throw it in a pan and fry it up. But you don't because that smell would just be gross and everyone would vomit. OK anyway here are 10 things I hate about being a stay at home parent and the 1 thing I don't. Enjoy!
1) ' I absolutely hate not being able to poop alone ': I know we've heard all this before. But seriously the other day I was pooping and I had to open the door as the baby was beating it up with a toy and screaming. So if opening the door will shut him up I'll do it. But then my 4 and a 1/2 year old runs in and is yelling in my face about the video game he is playing and what the characters are doing. Firstly stop putting shit in my face and seriously don't you smell that? Doesn't that horrify you enough that you would just stop like you're hitting a wall and be like baaahh!! What is the matter with you? Why are you in here??!!!!
2) ' Picking up everyone's shit ': So here's the deal. I know I do this too. But you see that's where the problem begins. Like there are days where I find it hard to just take care of my shit. I have to pick all my shit up, and put it away. Sometimes it doesn't get done either. So now I have to pick up my shit and everyone else's too! I find shit in other shit that doesn't belong with that shit! Seriously! Pick up your shit! Put it away! Organize it! Toys, socks(oh god don't even get me started like seriously? Dirty socks stuffed in toys and play suitcases?). Why is it that it's all got to fall on me? At ages 7, 5 and 42 I think they are fully capable of not leaving their dirty socks on the kitchen table, or their dirty clothes on my bathroom floor, beer bottles on the sink for a week, or toys strewn about on my dining room table. Like what do I look like? Don't let the title 'Mom' and 'Wife' fool you. I'm not your damn maid! I mean shit! (too many 'shits'? )
3) ' The present ': So yeah, the thing I live for the most is when I have to use the bathroom and I find a present in the toilet. Yep you guessed it! Because you couldn't take that 2 extra seconds to flush the cotton picking toilet?! I have to find your dump?! Or your pee?! Because that's my life. Pee, poop and feeding you all. Take that! (flippin the bird whilst biting my lower lip in a very mean fashion).
4) ' Being the only functioning adult in the room when there is in fact 2 functioning adults in the room ': So there my husband is sitting all comfy and relaxed on the couch watching TV.I just happen to be up doing something and here those little trolls come asking me for shit. Mooooom, can I have a drink? Moooooom?, can I have a snack? Moooooom?, Where's my big spiderman doll with the black belt and the blue motorcycle? Dude really? Because I know exactly where every one of your toys sits at all times of the day. I am doing the dishes, you see that guy over there? Yeah, he's Daddy, go ask him. 5 minutes later you know what happens right? Moooooom? Dad said no. Dad said he doesn't know where it is. It never ends.
5) 'As soon as I sit down you're going to ask me for everything aren't you?': I swear there must be a conspiracy. Maybe my husband installed a sensor on all the chairs in the house. Because as you all know as soon as you sit your ass down on something the kid alarm goes off and all of a sudden they are in dire need of everything but the kitchen sink. They need food, drinks, helping finding something, someone to wipe their ass, help with homework, or better yet they broke something and I need to get right on back up and fix it. Or someone spilled something. Really? I really can't sit for 2 seconds without you asking me for something? Good thing Dad isn't home! OH wait, there he is right there!......uhhhh(sighing)
6) ' Before we leave do you have to use the bathroom ?': We've all been there right? Running late to drop a preschooler off at school or to some sort of practice. Or to a family members house 2 hrs away. We always ask and then wonder why we even bothered wasting our breath. 'Do you have to go potty? Because it's going to be a few minutes until we get to your school'. 'No, I don't have to go!(with attitude no less)'. OK, lets go. Get in the car, get halfway there, jammin out to my tunes or morning show feeling great that I am calm and centered and....'Moooooom?' I have to poop'! 'Ok buddy we are almost at your school, just hold it'. 'But I have to go really bad!' ..............silence............grimaced face.........UHHHHH(sighing loudly). Seriously?! Did I not ask you before we left if you had to use the potty? What did you say? (Trying to rationalize the situation as if that is going to change absolutely anything). Yay! time to stop at the dirty gas station bathroom so you can take a dump. Thanks kid!! (shaking fists)
7) ' How the hell did you get that up there?!': You know what I'm talking about. You're cleaning, or at least pretending to and you look up at the ceiling in the corner of your bathroom (exaggeration), and there is a drop of chocolate milk. Or fruit pouch squirt. Or chewed up chicken nugget or overcooked mashed then crusted blueberry waffle. And you stand there looking at it. 'Hmmmm'. Did you have a Jackson Pollock party up in this bitch? How the shit did you get Chocolate milk up there? On doorways, down in the recesses of the mouldings behind the couch where you never go. There it is. I guess my kids must be food artists or something. At this point I'm going to start taking photographs and selling them. Come on, you know you want one. ;)
8) ' Is this a bracelet? ' : We all know that as parents we have ZERO privacy. But there is nothing like the day that you are trying to fold laundry and your kid walks out of your bathroom with one of your 'intimate' play things wrapped around his wrist. (And no I am not divulging, so just use your imagination). 'What's this Mom'? 'Is this a bracelet'? You kind of freeze up for a second in shock before taking it out of their hands and running very suspiciously back into the bathroom and putting it back. Ummm...no, it's just not yours and it's not for you and uhhhh...ummm it's DADS, JUST GO IN YOUR ROOM AND PLAY!! ..Phew! That wasn't uncomfortable at all.
9) ' Get dressed? Pfft! ': Every stay at home parent has had the PJ day. Where you don't have anywhere to go and you have no cause or justification for getting dressed. At some point though upon having those days I end up scaring the shit out of myself when I go into the bathroom to wash my hands and accidentally look in the mirror. My hair is disheveled, and probably greasy at this point, my clothes are stained and the colors I've chosen to wear together make me fully aware that there will be no answering the door should anyone decide to drop by. Not even the UPS guy. However sometimes the Mommy brain does get the best of me and I forget all about how I look. I bounce to the door so excitedly at the thought of conversing with another adult even for 5 seconds. I stand there watching them desperately as they go into their truck thinking 'Oh what fun it must be to get paid to work'. And then the horror when you go inside and realize that you forgot to put on a bra in the morning and your nips were waving hello to the UPS guy too. Such fun times.
10) ' TV may be the Devil but that Devil and my kids are bff's ! ' : Stats show you shouldn't allow kids under 2 to watch TV. Well shit...my 2 yr old already has his favorite show and will shut the fuck up nice when I put his little couch in front of the TV and let him watch his Thomas. Or lately Heidi on netflix. My other 2 will also be Angel's when they can watch a movie or play a video game. Is it the best solution? The most healthy? Not really sure. But I wouldn't get a flippin thing done without it. As a matter of fact on days where I have felt like #1 Mom doing the best job I know how I've limited their TV time. And let me tell you I did drink on those nights. So I have to Thank TV for allowing me to feel functioning and not a drunk. Hey, gotta aim high right?
And last but not least the 1 thing I do absolutely positively love about being a stay at home parent. My kids. It's a shitty job but someone has to do it. After all the drama and ridiculousness, there is a charm in the mess and a life well lived in the destruction of everything you hold dear. I hope. One day I'll look back on these years from the room of my nursing home(a.k.a mental institution) and be grateful. Until then, let the chaos commence!! :o)
-V
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