My words

So I am eating my words today. And they taste like shit. I posted a rant yesterday on Facebook about what we need to do as parents if our kids are being bullied. I was responding to news of a girl who completed suicide because she was being bullied. But when I was faced with something similar, I was left helpless.

My son(6) has anxiety and possibly OCD. I have to take him to get evaluated. Lately he's been acting out and repeating himself constantly even after you have answered him. Both of which he does when his anxiety has been triggered. I attempted to have a talk with him but I didn't get anywhere. On top of the anxiety his reflux(G.E.R.D) has returned after being away for about a month. I know this when he develops a cough that only gets worse with no further "sick" symptoms.

(For those that don't know what reflux is, it's when the stomach pumps that supply the Acid to break down food go into overdrive and produce too much. For some reason this causes the flap in the esophagus to not work properly and open up when it's not supposed to, splashing that acid into the esophagus. It is severely uncomfortable, painful, and can make you physically ill. It causes coughing, burning in the chest, severe nausea and vomiting, severe stomach aches, and headaches and can even make you feel like you're having a heart attack. It's not a virus or a bacterial infection that is contagious and he just started taking the meds to treat it again. I also have plans to take him to get evaluated for possible food triggers/allergies. )

After some fishing last night just before bed, he admitted to me that the kids in his class are complaining and making fun of him because he has the cough. They are acting like he is 'sick' and refusing to play with him and walking away. He made sure to stress walking away. Which to us as adults sound like 'OK so the person walked away'. But to a sensitive 6 year old with anxiety, it's as if he's been abandoned because there is something wrong with him. He then said that in front of the whole class his teacher said to him, "Brendan, if you're coughing that loud you shouldn't be in school". Again, to an adult that statement might come off as "well they think I am sick and they don't want to catch it". But to a 6 year old with anxiety, what that says to him is, "There is something wrong with you and you don't belong here." And that's what he told me he felt. I felt terrible for him.

He claims he has explained to everyone what is wrong with him. That he has reflux and it doesn't affect them but that they just don't care. I think part of that are his emotions talking thanks to his age and of course, the anxiety. But when someone is continually making fun of you even after you have explained you have an illness you are going to think they don't care. Again....he's a kid.

And in the grand scheme of things, maybe the teacher just didn't think before she spoke. But maybe she was already frustrated with him as he can be extremely trying when his anxiety is activated. I don't know yet. I just sent her an email last night. But for my son, at that moment no amount of encouragement, I Love you's or rationalization for his reflux and that it will go away, got through to him. So finally I pulled out the last card I had. I asked him, "Do you love you"? Which I tend to do every once in a while when I am trying to instill that as long as you love yourself you can take on the world.
He shook his head no. And I felt completely deflated. And scared. Because I didn't know what the hell else to say to him except "Take deep breaths, close your eyes and go to your happy place and go to sleep." And of course that I loved him.

My son is 6. And I am scared for him. That is the reality. When he was younger and I realized how sensitive he really is, that fear began. And since then I've done nothing but try to instill confidence, and teach him coping skills for his anxiety and constant worry. But I am now coming to understand that even with the best intentions, some of what we teach our kids doesn't always work. At least right away.

I know exactly how he feels. Exactly. I was bullied from Elementary school all the way up into my Junior year of High School. And when you are in the trenches of whatever it is that you are dealing with. Pain, bullying, even apparently something as simple as a reflux cough. You can't see into the future. One of the biggest challenges of anxiety is that it tells you that your suffering will never go away. I was abused as a child so I learned survival at a very young age. But I can't teach that kind of survival. You have to live it. I am not going to abuse my child in hopes it will make him stronger. I am just not.

In the midst of this I feel as with everything else in life, there is a spiritual/life lesson here. Maybe this is just a part of his journey. Maybe this is his lot to carry for now. I mean, life isn't meant to be easy right? It is life. It doesn't discriminate. If something is going to happen, it's going to happen. And the majority of what determines the outcome is how you can respond. I mean, when you look at the bigger picture, once his meds kick in again things will go back to the way they were when he wasn't getting made fun of for his cough. And maybe he will learn who his real friends are. Or maybe like I was, he will still be friends with them because he is so darned loving and won't let those kids take that away from him(I hope). Only GOD knows. And maybe all I can do as his mother is keep teaching him coping skills. And keep telling him that no matter what happens, he will always have people that do love him and accept him just the way he is.

-V

The new me.

 So I want to talk about my newest venture. I have joined the Origami Owl team! Whoop whoop!! 

This is my 2nd attempt at Independent sales. The first one lasted as long as it took to get the kit, go to 1 meeting and realize I didn't want to sell it. But it was meant to be. It's expensive stuff and I can't see it being lucrative for me personally in the long run as I did not see the point in the majority of the products or the cost. So to say it took some convincing on my part this time around for my husband to get on board, well that's an understatement. And what with my track record and all I didn't blame him. 

This is different!! I told him. And it so is!! One of the best things about Origami Owl is that it's not ridiculously expensive from a consumer perspective. It's not expensive and the quality is there. 
Depending on what people want if you have a base locket you can keep buying and changing out charms over time which are super cheap depending on the season or holidays. It's so worth it once you have a solid collection. And on top of that they just keep coming out with better, more creative, and more personal charms and accessories so the opportunities for the customer and the Designer alike are just endless. In terms of profit, they provide realistic expectations, tons of 'face to face' support and don't just kick you out if you can't or don't want to continue. I was happily surprised at the plethora of information and ways to be accountable and really help yourself to reach even your biggest goals. 

Now I always hated sales. I was semi good at it but always felt guilty making people give me their money. But I do believe that it was because I didn't find a product I was confident in. Or an organization. I am humbled by the 'family' atmosphere of Origami Owl. How even the highest execs aren't really that far away. I'm happy about the online videos motivating us Designers and pushing us to be the best we can be. I'm so overjoyed by this newfound sense of courage I have since joining. I really don't remember ever feeling this way. 

But this company changed my entire view. Simply put I love this company. I also love their stuff. I hope to one day have a full and beautiful inventory and then have a 'personal' one of my own as well.  I am surprising myself every day with my creativity, my willingness to learn new things, and even sad to say my intelligence level. haha!!! I don't say that because I don't think I'm intelligent. I am a stellar intellectual. Ha! 

But the fact is, I have come to understand that for me as a Mom(and a stay at home Mom for 8 years), my brain became mush. Plus with all the lack of sleep over time with kids and just rebelling against the 'Gotta get a good nights sleep because the kids will be up early' well it takes a toll on anyone. I also have a mental illness which kind of got worse over time with having babies but again, this only adds to my confidence. I am a Mom to 3 kids, one with 2 health issues and 2 ailing in laws living with us and in my care A LOT. But since starting this only last week, I feel alive again. I feel needed and productive and have hope that through all the feelings of worthlessness I've felt I have finally reached the top of the mountain. I can finally feel the sunshine on my face as if I were standing right in front of it. I have a business of my own and can stand on my own two feet and proudly say I am going to kill this thing!!!! Woohoo!!!! 

In the meantime if you want to check out my site so you can see what it's like, or even the merchandise please visit me at  www.whatsmystory.origamiowl.com 

Sincerely, Virginia 

'Fire' (Caution:TMI overload)

So I had a crazy dream last night about one of my exes. I dreamed he was in my house visiting. My husband was sleeping and we were just hanging out. I don't even remember how he got there.
Now I knew he shouldn't really be there. But there he was nonetheless. He was still in love with me. I didn't feel the same, but in the dream I was getting off just knowing this. I tried showing him pictures of my kids on the shelves. I wore my pride. He made a face like he didn't want to see the pictures because of how happy I was. Then I went into the bathroom to get dressed because I was inexplicably naked even though nothing untoward happened. I heard my husband come out and assumed he was going to ask my ex to leave. I walk out to my ex getting pretty pissed about something my husband said to him and he punched the stool he was on. And then he left.
In the dream my husband wasn't angry with me for him being there which I was surprised about, but that's where the dream ended. I had 2 but the other is insignificant. Does this mean I am thinking about or wanting this person? No. It does not. Because I don't. But it made me really think about things.

So the one thing about having Bipolar II disorder that can be complicated for some is something called hyper sexuality. It's a wanting. You see someone you want and you have to have it. You crave it. And if you have no self control you just take it regardless of the consequences. This just relates to sex of course but with this disorder, the need for excess in all areas of life come into play as well. But because sex is such a prominent and what can be a dangerous act, it has earned its own category. Bravo sex!

In the distant past of my youth, hyper sexuality was a force that drove me from person to person. Not droves of course, but enough to cause any psychiatrist to see that there was something quite out of the ordinary for a young girl. I started masturbating at age 10(maybe younger).

Hyper sexuality can cause many problems in relationships. It can not only wreak havoc on a marriage but destroy it if allowed to. For me Thank GOD, the only problem it's caused me is 'flirting'. And although that in and of itself is a type of 'offense' so to speak, and has caused its fair share of problems, it thankfully was not a deal breaker. It can still be difficult at times. This illness craves attention. Hence why many celebrities have Bipolar disorder. Living in the spotlight can come quite natural to the hypo manic along with the possibility of being loved by millions. Having 'sex' at your disposal can come pretty 'easy' I'm sure. Pun intended. He he.

The thing is, I personally think that a huge part of it, maybe even 85-90% of the catalyst of this symptom is LOVE. I guess I shouldn't speak for everyone with Bipolar disorder, but when I love, I love hard. When I love, I love with every bit of me. Too hard sometimes. Obsessive, all consuming, sexually charged writhing in agony type love. I'm talking Emily Bronte, Jane Austen, Sylvia Plath type of love. Love letters, longing, romance movie fantasy love. This is in every relationship too. Even friendships. I have fallen for a few friends as well. Some knew, some didn't and never will.

My problem however existed in the amount and kind of love I would receive in return. If I didn't feel the intensity I was putting out, I was already looking elsewhere. This had to do with all of my relationships, regardless of how long or short. You know what I mean. I just wouldn't tolerate anything less than butterflies. Which is a pretty high standard. Almost impossible for some. But I demanded it. I felt like with the fire I was burning, it needed to be tended to. With Bipolar disorder it's not going out, so either you throw in fuel, or you're left behind. I left a lot of broken hearts in my wake. I never actually meant to hurt anyone. It was just my nature to love hard. To love truly and real. There were times I thought I loved someone but they were nothing like I wanted. And I ended up hurting them. I just thought 'It's simple'. I love you, so I just want it in return. Seems like a fair trade no? Not necessarily. Not everyone can keep up. I don't mean that in the nasty sense. I just mean that for some, it's too much. Too deep, too intense, too time consuming, too much of everything! It's sad when that happens even for me because the grieving of that loss brings on depression. I say all that with love too because I don't necessarily cut ties completely if they are friends. Exes yes. Friendships no most of the time. I just stop putting the same amount of effort that I do with my mainstream relationships. I just can't help it. The bottom line is what all of this has led up to is experience.
And whether it's the illness or myself I know I am a complicated mess at times. But I am so so grateful I have the people in my life that I do. Including my husband that knows me, sees me and loves me anyway. Because he is the love of my life. We've been through a lot as you can imagine. But at the end of the day, LOVE really does conquer all. And it's all any of us really, truly need.

-V