So I was sick as a dog yesterday. Some kind of stomach bug that has traveled around my house and literally 'through' all of us. And whilst I had to spend so much time in the bathroom shitting my brains out I thought about something.
I felt well.....guilty. I felt completely guilty that I was sick and shitting my brains out instead of being healthy and able to take care of my kids. I felt guilty that all I wanted to do was not be near them or around them or to cater to their every need and whine and for my littlest...diapers.
Especially in the early AM when the virus manifestation was hitting me pretty hard. I could barely talk. I was so nauseous I thought 'I'm definitely going to vomit today'. Thank GOD I didn't. But the baby had a particularly nice diaper for me. One of those very very loose ones that leaks out of the sides. I could barely get up and this kid was needing me to clean him up in all his nastiness and then walk all the way upstairs and get more clothes. Uhhhhh(sighing).
Then after I had just laid down on the couch (feeling guilty for that as well) my son decides to drop the cup that I just made for him all over the floor. I showed those kids a different side of me for the moment. And that made me feel guilty too. I later apologized for said negative expressions and they knew it wasn't about them, but still.
So I was (still kind of am but not as badly) sick as a dog. It felt like the flu but without the projectile vomiting and I STILL.FELT.GUILTY ! I felt guilty laying up in the bed when my husband finally made it home in the afternoon. Every time I heard their feet on the floor downstairs or the baby crawling around I thought 'I should be there! Feeding them and wiping their faces, and boogers and giving them cookie kisses'. But I couldn't. And I felt terrible about it. And all I can say after that is WTF?! And the funny yet sad thing is...I know I'm not the only one to feel this way! But why is that? Why do Moms feel so guilty? Why is it so horrible that we just wanna be able to do something, ANYTHING in peace? Or just without the kids present? Those that don't have children have no clue what it's like. And I'm not trying to be arrogant. It's the same with animals. Just trying to take a shower and get dressed or to cook a meal. Or better still, leave the house. It takes me sometimes 30 minutes to just leave my house. This is in the winter of course so it's 2 layers on each kid, repeating 80 times to get their shoes on. Dealing with a bit of phony helplessness. Then the baby who is 17 mths old and still can't walk so he sees that coat and goes crawling off. I'm sweating by the time I'm putting my coat on just from the anxiety of it all. And still.....the guilt. Is it engrained? Conditioned? Think back to when you were little. Did your parents press upon you the usual ideals of being a woman? Taking care of everything? Mine did. To this day my mom still waits on my father hand and foot and never really had an outside job or a want for one. Which is fine, but it's just not for me. I want more. And of course...the guilt ensues.
I just read this article that I will post at the end of this entry. I think it sums it up brilliantly. It states that when you feel guilty, it actually means you're taking care of yourself. After all, we may be Super Moms, but we are human beings. We need to feel challenged mentally, and I don't mean by listening to 2 kids having a screaming match all day and a baby who's teething and has an ear infection. We need a physical adult connection with the outside world. We need to read a book, or a newspaper, or Facebook! We don't 'want' these things. We need these things. We need to take a nap, or go out on a date. We need fresh air and sunshine, alone. It's essential that we do what we have to do to remain sane, happy and be the best partner, spouse, wife, or husband we can be. As a matter of fact, it is our right as women. Maybe it doesn't state that on the Bill of Rights but we can enforce our own life rules can't we? Lord knows if we don't take that time, everything falls apart. Especially us.
At the end of March my husband and I will be taking a little trip alone while my Mom is here watching the kids. Not sure where yet, but part of me feels guilty about it. Which is normal. It will be the longest time away from the kids. However the other side of me, cannot wait to just lay in bed all day (if I so choose) with my love and not have to worry about a damn thing. So check out this article. And be gentle with yourself.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/40-percent-and-rising/why-your-mommy-guilt-can-be-good-for-you_b_6621578.html
