I hate this shit.
What shit you ask? This part of motherhood. The part when your kids are around you and driving you up the wall forcing you to yearn for peace and quiet. To be alone even for 5 minutes. But then when they aren't there and you finally have that peace and quiet you so desperately wanted and feel you deserve, all you can think of is how much you miss them!
It's like, "WHAT.THE.EVER.LOVING.FUCK??!!!" You know?! I mean this has to be in the Diagnostic and Statistical manual of mental disorders.
Repeating yourself about 15 times when answering a question, speaking constantly(often to yourself) because your children aren't listening at all. Oh how about that ever loving game of "It is zero hour(bed time), and Mommy you just HAVE to find that fucking tiny piece of crap toy I haven't used in 8 years or else I'll just die!" Gaahh!!!
Have any of you ever stepped on a Lego?! Fuck off with those damn things! Oh wait. Cleaning something up for them to just somehow mysteriously walk over and spill something on the very spot you just cleaned like 2 seconds ago. Is that the universe laughing it's ass off or what?!! The whole phone thing. Not one word from any of them. They are all lost in the recesses of my house. Hiding away in crevaces with a tablet or playing with something. As SOON as you start talking on the phone the universe sets off the telekinetic alarm for the kids to come out and ask you for 9567 things that you are going to say no to. Then finally you have to apologize to the person you are speaking to on the phone so they don't think you're having an exorcism moment. So many things right? Like for real kid? I didn't know I was fat, thank you for poking at my love handles(getting dressed and/or coming out of the shower) and asking why I have those. My kids like to hear my teeth crunching together when they've told me they want to eat something, I make it, and then it's "I didn't say I wanted that". (eye twitching).
All that shit is enough to make you drink a whole fucking bottle of wine. Not a glass or 2. A bottle. Because the sheer energy it takes for you to hold back all of the curse words.......just...yeah.
So yeah, this love/hate thing with being a parent? Being a Mom? is a big bitch. A nasty, foul creature of a bitch that sometimes feels impossible to deal with. Which is probably why I'm in therapy every week. Is it a wonder I can't consistently shower? I sometimes give myself such shit about being "put together". Like telling myself "I need to do my makeup", or "I need to shave my legs". But why? I'm exhausted don't you see?! Ha! Like permanently crazy and exhausted. And I could continue on about the plethora of things that are difficult about being a parent. And how you really can't know what it will be like unless you actually do it (which is frankly, true). But once all that has worn away, and you have finally had a few nights of uninterrupted sleep, and a few bottles(err, glasses) of scotch, I think what it boils down to is having kids is just like being in a relationship with someone. But in this case it's with littler people that you can't like, give back, or sell or something. It's a messy business. And truth be told I don't need any help in the mental illness area because I have the diagnosis already.
But you know...as much as these kids test my patience, my fortitude, my energy level, and my sanity; there is one thing that they keep golden. One thing that amongst it all, they nurture, and teach, and deliver every.single.day.
My heart. <3
-V
