So I had a crazy dream last night about one of my exes. I dreamed he was in my house visiting. My husband was sleeping and we were just hanging out. I don't even remember how he got there.
Now I knew he shouldn't really be there. But there he was nonetheless. He was still in love with me. I didn't feel the same, but in the dream I was getting off just knowing this. I tried showing him pictures of my kids on the shelves. I wore my pride. He made a face like he didn't want to see the pictures because of how happy I was. Then I went into the bathroom to get dressed because I was inexplicably naked even though nothing untoward happened. I heard my husband come out and assumed he was going to ask my ex to leave. I walk out to my ex getting pretty pissed about something my husband said to him and he punched the stool he was on. And then he left.
In the dream my husband wasn't angry with me for him being there which I was surprised about, but that's where the dream ended. I had 2 but the other is insignificant. Does this mean I am thinking about or wanting this person? No. It does not. Because I don't. But it made me really think about things.
So the one thing about having Bipolar II disorder that can be complicated for some is something called hyper sexuality. It's a wanting. You see someone you want and you have to have it. You crave it. And if you have no self control you just take it regardless of the consequences. This just relates to sex of course but with this disorder, the need for excess in all areas of life come into play as well. But because sex is such a prominent and what can be a dangerous act, it has earned its own category. Bravo sex!
In the distant past of my youth, hyper sexuality was a force that drove me from person to person. Not droves of course, but enough to cause any psychiatrist to see that there was something quite out of the ordinary for a young girl. I started masturbating at age 10(maybe younger).
Hyper sexuality can cause many problems in relationships. It can not only wreak havoc on a marriage but destroy it if allowed to. For me Thank GOD, the only problem it's caused me is 'flirting'. And although that in and of itself is a type of 'offense' so to speak, and has caused its fair share of problems, it thankfully was not a deal breaker. It can still be difficult at times. This illness craves attention. Hence why many celebrities have Bipolar disorder. Living in the spotlight can come quite natural to the hypo manic along with the possibility of being loved by millions. Having 'sex' at your disposal can come pretty 'easy' I'm sure. Pun intended. He he.
The thing is, I personally think that a huge part of it, maybe even 85-90% of the catalyst of this symptom is LOVE. I guess I shouldn't speak for everyone with Bipolar disorder, but when I love, I love hard. When I love, I love with every bit of me. Too hard sometimes. Obsessive, all consuming, sexually charged writhing in agony type love. I'm talking Emily Bronte, Jane Austen, Sylvia Plath type of love. Love letters, longing, romance movie fantasy love. This is in every relationship too. Even friendships. I have fallen for a few friends as well. Some knew, some didn't and never will.
My problem however existed in the amount and kind of love I would receive in return. If I didn't feel the intensity I was putting out, I was already looking elsewhere. This had to do with all of my relationships, regardless of how long or short. You know what I mean. I just wouldn't tolerate anything less than butterflies. Which is a pretty high standard. Almost impossible for some. But I demanded it. I felt like with the fire I was burning, it needed to be tended to. With Bipolar disorder it's not going out, so either you throw in fuel, or you're left behind. I left a lot of broken hearts in my wake. I never actually meant to hurt anyone. It was just my nature to love hard. To love truly and real. There were times I thought I loved someone but they were nothing like I wanted. And I ended up hurting them. I just thought 'It's simple'. I love you, so I just want it in return. Seems like a fair trade no? Not necessarily. Not everyone can keep up. I don't mean that in the nasty sense. I just mean that for some, it's too much. Too deep, too intense, too time consuming, too much of everything! It's sad when that happens even for me because the grieving of that loss brings on depression. I say all that with love too because I don't necessarily cut ties completely if they are friends. Exes yes. Friendships no most of the time. I just stop putting the same amount of effort that I do with my mainstream relationships. I just can't help it. The bottom line is what all of this has led up to is experience.
And whether it's the illness or myself I know I am a complicated mess at times. But I am so so grateful I have the people in my life that I do. Including my husband that knows me, sees me and loves me anyway. Because he is the love of my life. We've been through a lot as you can imagine. But at the end of the day, LOVE really does conquer all. And it's all any of us really, truly need.
-V
