So I am eating my words today. And they taste like shit. I posted a rant yesterday on Facebook about what we need to do as parents if our kids are being bullied. I was responding to news of a girl who completed suicide because she was being bullied. But when I was faced with something similar, I was left helpless.
My son(6) has anxiety and possibly OCD. I have to take him to get evaluated. Lately he's been acting out and repeating himself constantly even after you have answered him. Both of which he does when his anxiety has been triggered. I attempted to have a talk with him but I didn't get anywhere. On top of the anxiety his reflux(G.E.R.D) has returned after being away for about a month. I know this when he develops a cough that only gets worse with no further "sick" symptoms.
(For those that don't know what reflux is, it's when the stomach pumps that supply the Acid to break down food go into overdrive and produce too much. For some reason this causes the flap in the esophagus to not work properly and open up when it's not supposed to, splashing that acid into the esophagus. It is severely uncomfortable, painful, and can make you physically ill. It causes coughing, burning in the chest, severe nausea and vomiting, severe stomach aches, and headaches and can even make you feel like you're having a heart attack. It's not a virus or a bacterial infection that is contagious and he just started taking the meds to treat it again. I also have plans to take him to get evaluated for possible food triggers/allergies. )
After some fishing last night just before bed, he admitted to me that the kids in his class are complaining and making fun of him because he has the cough. They are acting like he is 'sick' and refusing to play with him and walking away. He made sure to stress walking away. Which to us as adults sound like 'OK so the person walked away'. But to a sensitive 6 year old with anxiety, it's as if he's been abandoned because there is something wrong with him. He then said that in front of the whole class his teacher said to him, "Brendan, if you're coughing that loud you shouldn't be in school". Again, to an adult that statement might come off as "well they think I am sick and they don't want to catch it". But to a 6 year old with anxiety, what that says to him is, "There is something wrong with you and you don't belong here." And that's what he told me he felt. I felt terrible for him.
He claims he has explained to everyone what is wrong with him. That he has reflux and it doesn't affect them but that they just don't care. I think part of that are his emotions talking thanks to his age and of course, the anxiety. But when someone is continually making fun of you even after you have explained you have an illness you are going to think they don't care. Again....he's a kid.
And in the grand scheme of things, maybe the teacher just didn't think before she spoke. But maybe she was already frustrated with him as he can be extremely trying when his anxiety is activated. I don't know yet. I just sent her an email last night. But for my son, at that moment no amount of encouragement, I Love you's or rationalization for his reflux and that it will go away, got through to him. So finally I pulled out the last card I had. I asked him, "Do you love you"? Which I tend to do every once in a while when I am trying to instill that as long as you love yourself you can take on the world.
He shook his head no. And I felt completely deflated. And scared. Because I didn't know what the hell else to say to him except "Take deep breaths, close your eyes and go to your happy place and go to sleep." And of course that I loved him.
My son is 6. And I am scared for him. That is the reality. When he was younger and I realized how sensitive he really is, that fear began. And since then I've done nothing but try to instill confidence, and teach him coping skills for his anxiety and constant worry. But I am now coming to understand that even with the best intentions, some of what we teach our kids doesn't always work. At least right away.
I know exactly how he feels. Exactly. I was bullied from Elementary school all the way up into my Junior year of High School. And when you are in the trenches of whatever it is that you are dealing with. Pain, bullying, even apparently something as simple as a reflux cough. You can't see into the future. One of the biggest challenges of anxiety is that it tells you that your suffering will never go away. I was abused as a child so I learned survival at a very young age. But I can't teach that kind of survival. You have to live it. I am not going to abuse my child in hopes it will make him stronger. I am just not.
In the midst of this I feel as with everything else in life, there is a spiritual/life lesson here. Maybe this is just a part of his journey. Maybe this is his lot to carry for now. I mean, life isn't meant to be easy right? It is life. It doesn't discriminate. If something is going to happen, it's going to happen. And the majority of what determines the outcome is how you can respond. I mean, when you look at the bigger picture, once his meds kick in again things will go back to the way they were when he wasn't getting made fun of for his cough. And maybe he will learn who his real friends are. Or maybe like I was, he will still be friends with them because he is so darned loving and won't let those kids take that away from him(I hope). Only GOD knows. And maybe all I can do as his mother is keep teaching him coping skills. And keep telling him that no matter what happens, he will always have people that do love him and accept him just the way he is.
-V
