So everyone that knows me is aware that that I am a stay at home mom. And like many stay at home moms I don't have 'my own' income. I depend on my husbands. And like some I have a limited amount of control when it comes to making financial decisions. I've attempted to change things up and thought well, I'll just sell some of my old stuff online to make a little extra money. That never happened. I even wasted $600 to buy the pampered chef kit a few years back, only to decide later on that it was not for me. I have pondered over babysitting others children but realized my own children wreck my house enough. Plus who wants to be responsible for someone elses child and risk something like injury or being sued? I've also thought about making things, as I am very crafty. But then how would I manage to do that with 2 kids who don't nap? I envision glue all over my walls and fake flowers trying to be washed out of their heads. So there's that. So I have moments where I feel a bit hopeless on the subject.
Now, my husband makes a great living. We have a very good life. But I find myself wanting more. I won't apologize for it. Because I don't mean more money or more tangible things. What I want is to feel productive in society. To learn new things. To meet people. To feel like I am contributing to our marriage financially. And more than anything else, more freedom to make my own decisions. To go places if I so choose. And yes, to buy something if I want. Or to get my nails done. To join a gym. To take a class in something. I think this is the struggle in majority of relationships and marriages. The constant consultations needed even for something as simple as going to the supermarket. Or getting a dog. Some won't agree. It just depends on who wears the pants in the relationship or marriage.
However, the conversation here isn't necessarily about who brings more money to the table. Although that plays a huge role in the division of labor. Because one is the earner and one is not. One might feel that because they earn and the other does not, they have a say as to how much they actually have to do outside of the job. So the question here is how, as a couple who have chosen to spend a life and have a family, distribute the labor? Whether that be the woman works also or stays at home with the kid(s). Or vice versa.
Some women would say that because I am at home for example, and my husband works, I can take care of everything in the house while he's out working. My stance is I don't agree. There are many things throughout the day that I don't get to because I am doing others or taking care of 'our' children. Not 'my' children. 'OUR' children. It takes 2 to create them, and if there are 2 present, there should be 2 people taking care of them.
But what happens when the division of labor is not equal? You start to feel unappreciated. Resentful. Maybe even depressed. It can be an emotional roller coaster. What happens when one is working, then going out to dinner with clients? Or business travel? What happens when the one parent is struggling with emotional issues and still has to shoulder all that extra work with zero time for themselves? I'm not saying that is or isn't the case at my house. But I will say that we both have days where we feel that one's doing more than the other. Or sometimes we don't mind doing more. Or less for that matter. Nothing is perfect. There is no perfect formula for this. I know you have to do what's right for you. But the question here is just because one person works, and the other is a stay at home parent, does that really mean that the working party gets a free pass with helping? There are some relationships that I have known of where the man has no job and the woman is working and taking on all the other responsibilities.
I read an article that stated that homes where both parties pitch in together have more arguments, and more strife. I attempted to find it, but to no avail. But it does exist, I assure you. In any case, I disagree. If I see my husband initiating help such as dishes, cleaning on the weekends, even taking care of the kids while I sleep in one day a week, I am very happy. There is a sense of feeling appreciated. Like he respects me for what I do and is nice enough to lend a hand because he knows how my job is just as much a full time job as his minus getting paid. And they definitely are most days. If you add up the amount of time in a day you take care of the kids exclusively and do nothing else, there really doesn't leave much time to do anything else. And the crazy thing is most stay at home parents, still on a good day, manage to cook, clean, do a load or 2 of laundry, do the dishes, and maybe even a few tidbits of chores here and there. If you have animals, it's essentially like having another child. So that only adds to it. We don't have set rules in my house. But should there be? Should there be a written agreement? I know this sounds hilarious, but far too many people out there allow themselves to be treated like hired help with no break whatsoever.
Now, I realize that back in the day I would have been burned at the stake for thinking and speaking the way I am now. And there are still many a woman out there who firmly sticks by the 'old' rules. But times have changed dramatically(thankfully) and we should all be 'equals'. I have no problems mowing the lawn or changing a tire given the knowledge to do so. I love mowing the lawn. And if my husband wants to stay at home for a week or a month to see what I do every day, so be it. I have no problem going to work, being a part of business meetings, and even travelling every so often. Hell, sounds like a vacation to me! ( I KNOW IT'S NOT!!! ) But it isn't going to happen. So it is my responsibility when I am feeling like I am overloaded to communicate that and hope it does not fall on deaf ears.
So tell me, what kind of situation do you have? How is the division of labor at your house? I am very curious to know. You go ahead and comment. I'll be over here eating bon bons with my feet up.
P.S. Here is a little article about the same topic from Babycenter.
