When it's time to let go.

I had a dream last night. My 2nd Best friend ever was in the same place that I was. I somehow got dropped off somewhere on my own with no purse, no car, nothing. All of a sudden I see my friend all dressed up. Even though she is part Chinese and part Indonesian she had her hair in like an up do poof like a Japanese Geisha. Not sure what the correlation for that was. I say HEY!! What are you doing here? All thrilled because she moved to Dallas(in real life). And she gives me the up and down look as if to say Blech! What are 'you' doing here? I said I'm here for blah blah blah(don't remember what I said). So she just walks off with an heir of snootiness. I was confused. So I'm wandering around and I find her again. I say Hey. She rolls her eyes, huffs and puffs and says 'Oh my goodness'. As if I'm bothering her. In response I'm like 'You know what'? Fine. If you don't want to be bothered Good-Bye.

Interestingly enough the above paragraph was written months ago and I never posted it. And here I am wanting to bawl because it has kind of come to pass. She's more than a friend to me. She's like my sister. She did end up moving to Dallas. And she never kept in touch. Come to find out she is busting her ass to work 2 jobs and has isolated herself from her friends and family to stay focused on her goal of one day retiring. She had a hospital visit I knew nothing about and has since had many difficulties. Which I knew only so much about due to the lack of communication. I've written, sent pictures, cards, texts. Sometimes she gets back, sometimes it takes days, a week. 

I get it. I understand. I've been there. I've also been on the other end. But I've learned so much since then. If it's one thing my BiPolar Disorder has given me is the understanding of Life. And the ability to see it. I can envision the grass growing in my mind. I can smell the earth and know that this is where we came from. I can stop time for me and my kids and just be with them smelling their hair and know that no matter what love is infinite. Some people can't and won't ever be able to understand that. And it makes me sad. It makes me sad that someone like my friend who I thought was my family doesn't see the value in 'us' because her difficulties have hardened her. She doesn't see that time does not wait for anyone. And that she has made me feel that she doesn't value or appreciate the knowledge of having a friend to lean on because she is too afraid to feel anything at all. It breaks my heart that we've drifted apart. You never think it's going to happen to you. We as humans are so complacent we never think anything can happen to us.....until it does. 

Until the pain is so raw and evident that you cannot avoid it no matter how much Ibuprofen you have. You can't avoid the tears, or the space between you. You can't avoid the fact that in those moments of happiness, and laughter and hugs all those years ago saying 'No time or distance can alter our friendship' that it will. And it does. Even now I can see her laughing as we dance together at a club. 

You can never anticipate where life will take you. 

My husband told me he is Thankful he is a 'guy' and they don't have that type of 'longing' or 'need to constantly connect' with friends like women do. Like he can go for months or even years without seeing someone and then pick up where they left off. Which I can also do. But what do you do when there is nothing in between? No call, no talk, no care. And then there is also the capacity to allow people to make plans and then forgo them without a phone call. Which I don't understand. Why allow that? Why allow people to use you at their discretion just because they can? Of course we'll never see eye to eye on this because he is a Male and I am a Female. And though I am still open minded to this concept, I don't have the capacity to shut off my emotions. Hell, I don't really want to. 

I feel hard, I Love hard, and inevitably I hurt hard. That's me, take it or leave it. And I love it. I do. Because I want to feel every single iota of life. I want to show others that life is short and so fragile. And by GOD if you're going to live, then fucking LIVE!!!! I may not go skydiving, and I may be the biggest procrastinator but fuck! I FEEL!!! And that's OK! I want to teach others that every person we encounter, every smile, sneer, difficulty, death, and struggle we deal with is on purpose!. They are all signs and signals and little yellow brick roads to our destination. They are lessons. Signs from spirit, our loves ones, our Angels and GOD that we never left school just because we graduated. All of our mistakes, mishaps, missteps, and fuck ups. Everything we see and experience is all for our soul to mature and learn and grow. And yes I am allowed to use GOD and fuck in the same paragraph. Because GOD knows who I am and he is OK with that. Besides. I apologized. HA! 

No does this all mean that I'm infallible? That I make all the right decisions? Hell.No. I don't always accept the decisions I've made, but I have no choice to accept the outcomes. Because it's part of my journey.

The bottom line here is 'There can be no growth without struggle'.

There are SO many people that go through their lives with their eyes closed. They shut their shit down and keep everyone at arms length. Never really understanding or comprehending that all the horrible things that have happened to us are there for us to have. To own. To wear. To help others. To be there. 

Unfortunately I feel like she has trivialized our friendship and our role in each others lives. Uhhh(sighing). Despite it.....I will never give up on her. Or any of the my friends past or present. Not even those that have wronged me. I am not like that. I am a human being with faults and if any one of them asked me for help I would do what I could. But things will never be 'the same' between us. And that makes me sad. Hell. I know it's not all about me. I know shit happens. I understand. But when you love someone unconditionally, you do what you have to do.

In the meantime, all I can do is move on. Reflect on the ever changing seasons in life. Celebrate through the sadness the ebb and flow of things like time and distance. Things come out, then wash back out. It's time to appreciate the memories and all that relationships teach. In constant hope that one day maybe sooner than later things will be different and we can greet each other changed with open arms ready to begin right where we left off.

After all, we never can tell what tomorrow will bring. And that is fine with me. 

-V

Almost isn't enough

I sometimes sit and contemplate what my life might or should be like. I've had so many dreams over the years about things I've wanted to do. I don't know what it is about me. I'll get the itch to do something and then get freaked out that I'll fail and make a fool out of myself so I just won't do it. I wish I had 'Beyonce's guts and motivation for example. I'd have gotten a lot done by now. I might even be a millionaire ! HA! 

1) The first career choice I had was to be a librarian. This is going way back to when I was little. I loved to read and fell for the idea of having complete access to every book imaginable. Now, although I still enjoy reading don't have too much time for it, and when I do it tends to put me to sleep. HA!

2) Be a paleontologist/archeologist. I LOVED dinosaurs and anything to do with ancient Egypt. I dreamed about digging up dino bones or for ancient artifacts. Travelling around the globe was of course a huge plus. But that would have entailed going to college which will come up later in the list.

3) Being a singer. I know this is going to sound conceited. But I can sing. And being a singer was kind of always on my mind. I even recorded a song with a DJ company that I wrote. It never did anything because it was a DJ/club song and nothing more.

4) Moving to Florida and becoming an artist for Disney. I can also draw and I was seriously into Disney movies. So put 2 and 2 together.

5) Ironically, around the same time I dreamed about working for such a wholesome company such as Disney I briefly thought about becoming a stripper. I figured that would make me a whole lot of money which could pretty much buy me whatever I wanted. And I have always thought of myself as very self sufficient, resilient and independent. So this would have fit perfectly in my life at the time.

6) Being a Broadway performer. I remembered many times when living in NJ in my early 20's just a hair past my peak physical shape getting copies of the village voice and wanting to try out for a dance act of some sort. I have always been very good at paying attention to others abilities I loved. I was able to learn from that very quickly. Figure skating, roller figure skating. I thought I might do that and be able to live in the awesome metropolis that is NYC.

7) Pampered Chef. Yeah. I went and convinced Shawn that it was a great idea and a great opportunity to make money from home. So we spent the money to buy the kit which wasn't cheap and I realized it wasn't an independent venture. I would still have to answer to someone and realized very soon that I didn't know enough people to build any kind of following. I also get intimidated by the knowledge that so many other people are either doing the same thing or just different versions of the same thing.

Yeah.....I'm an over achiever I tell ya. HA!