She is everywhere. In the thousands of gifts she has given us; in the places in our house where memories were made with her. She is all over the apartment she lived in downstairs. Her knick knacks, clothes, even her makeup. Everything is exactly where it would be if she were here still walking around yelling at my father in law to get off his ass and do something. She is in my daughter's face as she shares her nose and eyes. Tears. Who is this "She"? She is Lorraine. My Mother in Law. Although after 20 years, she is my 2nd Mom. I still can't believe she is gone. We all knew it would come. But you can never prepare yourself for the black hole that shows up to take the place of the person you once knew.
I go through all the normal responses in my head. "She's at peace". "She's not suffering anymore". "She is always with me". "She's with her Mom, her sister and her best friend and cousin that she has missed for so long". I know all of this.
But I've known this woman for 20 years. I remember walking into her house when I first went to meet her and the first thing she said when she looked at me was "Who's this Tomayta'?!" That's just who she was. Just straight up and you just better get used to being an asshole. 20 years is a long time. A lot of ups and downs, a lot of birthdays, and Christmases. A WHOLE LOTTA shopping, and dinners and parties. Several moves, and many, many disagreements. "Fighter" is an understatement. For years I would even have arguments with her in my head (my OCD didn't help). Most of the time I just chocked it all up to different generations, different struggles, different likes and opinions. And even though we frequently butted heads about everything from what to name my kids to what I had in my china closet, she sort of forced her way into my heart. She was one that if you are a part of her family, dammit you are going to talk to her whether you like it or not. She didn't let any time go by before reaching out, even after an argument. If my husband and I didn't call her often enough she would leave us messages saying "Is your finger broken"?! Ha! She knew how to press everyone's buttons. But the majority of the time we would end up talking it out, apologizing and saying we loved each other. She understood my reasons and I understood hers. Not always but most of the time. Because after all, she loved us all. Maybe a little differently, but it was love nonetheless.
2 years ago both his parents moved into our home. We moved in August 2015, and they in October the same year. I knew there would be demands, and difficulty. I have 3 children and I was taking on 2 elderly people who were not the healthiest. His Dad had just had a stroke the previous year and as good as he was functioning, he had to step down as his wife's caregiver. So something inside along with Gods divine wisdom made me see that apartment in our basement and say,"Your parents can come live here with us". No hesitation. Why? Because I know how fleeting time is. If they both aren't as healthy as they could be why not invite them to be around their grand babies?. I wanted to help them. Physically, emotionally, maybe even mentally. Even now I know in my heart that I did help them some. Especially her. And I know it was the best decision because she was able to be closer to her grand kids and spend time with all of us as a family. There was never a dull moment. The good, the bad, the ugly, it didn't matter; we did it together. Her and I developed a great friendship. A great admiration for one another. We had many an amazing, truthful and funny conversation during our time together. Which only intensified in the hospitals, rehab and even in hospice.
Which is why, in the face of such loss and grief, I ride these waves where one minute I am angry, but the next joyful. Then I'm quiet and brooding, but appreciating the sunset when I realize again that she is gone. On come the tears. Thank GOD they are interrupted by my children's laughter and arguing. As a reminder that life does still go on. Through this experience I have learned imperative and powerful lessons. Lessons you can only learn after you have suffered, or struggled through something so great there may have been a moment where you fell to your knees and threw your hands up in the air. I have learned Humility and Grace. Dignity and Patience. Gratitude and Perseverance. Resilience....and Forgiveness. All of these I've learned from the blessed opportunity I had of being able to take care of another human being. For someone I care deeply about. It will continue on with my father in law but it's still such a gift.
Above all else however, I've learned about unconditional Love. In all it's unexpected, raw forms. That in the midst of anger, bitterness, fear, and the grit of real life, you "love" no matter what. I'm really going to miss her.
I think back to March 1st. She turned 74 that day. The one thing that I think about that brings me some solice is that despite everything, I am so grateful that we got to take her out for her birthday to celebrate her life one last time. After all she was happy, and with her family. Which I truly believe is how she would want to be remembered.
Love You Mom, until we meet again. <3
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