Christmas blues

So Christmas is almost here and recently I was thinking how I'm just not ready for it. The decorations are up, and the gifts have been purchased. The music is playing in the car and the kids are super stoked and can't stop talking about the holiday. But when I think back to when I was younger, it used to feel that Christmas had me. It filled me up in ways I can't really describe. And being a kid who was bullied my whole young existence, it made me feel super euphoric at the thought of all that time off from school and not having to be around the people that were hurting me. I always felt that no matter what happened, it didn't matter because it was Christmastime and that would make everything OK.

I was blessed to have parents that worked hard to give me a good life and I am grateful that we always had food on the table, I always had clothes on my back and I always had an amazing Christmas. The lights sparkled so bright it covered up the complicated parts of life. The pictures of Santa and all the many decorations hung up around the house covered up the ugliness of stress, and reminded me of the happiness the holiday would bring. Even for only a short time. But as I have gotten older, that part of Christmas; the part that is so full of stress and responsibility has taken it's toll over the years. Now that I have a family of my own, I am the one who has to give Christmas to others. And please don't mistake me, I am honored by this. There isn't much that compares to the joy and warmth the holidays bring to my babies. Listening to their excitement just taking the tree box out of the closet to put up and decorate(I'm a fake tree person). Or their back and forth banter about Santa, Christmas Lists and where the elf is. There is so much to be grateful for. And I have accepted, even if reluctantly at times, that I have to now create that magic for my family even when I feel like I can't because of the pressure. But adulting during the holidays isn't always a ball of fun. Not only because of the normal daily struggles(money, kids, marriage, family issues) but now the pressure of also manifesting the magic for my family when all I want is to not grieve for my Mom who has a rare form of young onset dementia and is progressing by the month. What I wouldn't give to reminisce with her about when I was little and laugh about things I did to drive her crazy around the holidays but she barely even stays on the phone with me anymore as she can't speak well and doesn't have the attention span. And maybe the holiday would sparkle brighter for me, if I could just sit with all my brothers and sisters and their families in one state and have a family meal together. Especially after we lost a 2nd sister this August(the 1st was in September of last year). And as lovely as it is sitting in front of my Christmas tree and looking at all the amazing ornaments while my kiddos are running around and playing, it would be super awesome if I weren't still grieving the loss of a friend that passed away in May. I realize these things are all a part of the great circle of life. And I also understand that things can always always be much worse.

Which is why all of this makes me appreciate all the more, and miss so much the magic that my Mom and Dad manifested into my life. I miss my Mom waking me up in the middle of the night to go play in the snow and then come in for hot chocolate before going back to bed. Or her and and My Dad and I watching all the Christmas shows we had recorded on a vhs tape. A Charlie Brown Christmas, Emmet Otter's Jugband Christmas, Mickey's Christmas carol, Frosty the snowman and so on. Helping my Mom decorate the house and the tree. (If you're wondering where my Dad was in all of this he was usually at work, but he did do all the heavy lifting). On Christmas eve we always went to my grandma's house for dinner and to exchange presents. All of my Moms siblings were there and with their families and we always had a blast. The adults would drink and laugh and get silly and all us cousins would chill out and watch TV or chat in the living room. Then on Christmas morning I wasn't allowed to get up until I yelled through a vent connecting mine and my parents room to ask if I could get up. My Mom and Dad always wanted to see my reaction to all the presents under the tree. After presents was breakfast and at some point my stocking stuff. My Mom always made a big dinner, and my uncle who still lives downstairs from them would come up and we'd eat together. Sometimes one or more of my Moms siblings would come as well. Everything was awesome. It feels like yesterday.

I am so beyond grateful that I got to experience those Christmases. And despite life and all its complexities and all my feelings I know that I will still do my very best to create that magic for my family. Because thinking about it, I'm positive my Mom and Dad were dealing with life and issues of their own around the holidays but still pushed through for me knowing that time if fleeting, and dammit well sometimes we just have to do what we have to do. So for me, I am having a rough go of it and I will somehow pull that Christmas spirit right on out of my butt. And get by knowing I still have so much to be grateful for. I have people that love me, my babies, a roof over my head, and food in my belly. So dammit I will make that magic for my kids. I will play and sing those Christmas songs, watch the shows and show my kids that they too can have the kind of Christmases they will remember for their whole lives. And I'll save the rest for my therapist. Merry Christmas!!

Moving on(a song)

On to the next town
On to the next town

Here we are, moving on again.

On to the next place
On to the next place

Here we are, starting o'er again.

Sometimes I just wish we'd settle down. Instead of always running toward the next dusty ground.

Cuz I feel more lost each time
Tired of leaving love behind.

On to the next space
On to the next space

How are we to move on again?

On to the next road
On to the next road

How are we to start o'er again?

Lord knows we've had our share of pain.

But he also knows that it's taken its toll and I just don't feel the same.

And I know I need to go
But there are things you need you to know.

Thank You for the good and bad times we got through. Thank You for always sticking beside me all year through. 

Because that's what we always do. 

Life together with our family and me and you. 

On to the next town......(whisper)On...to the next town......

V2019

Drained

I have a lot on my plate, to say the least. On top of which I am not where I'd like to be health wise. At all. I mean when I think about a time that I was in shape, there was more time, no kids, a full time job to keep me busy and not eating really. A lot of what kept me in shape was activity, busyness, being young and full of energy and to look cute for boys until I met my husband. I wasn't invested because I understood the food pyramid ratios and carbs and sugar. I always just ate what I wanted and was just so active it didnt matter. And the activity was available because I didn't have kids!. But over time up and down with weight. Then just gaining and gainingand gaining. Then mental Illness was diagnosed. Then kids(3), stresses of moving multiple times, deaths, marriage issues, then with weight gain comes physical health problems. Knee surgery, Inflammation, arthritis diagnosis, reflux, medication changes, carpal tunnel syndrome, IBS, and now the cherry on top? Mild Obstructive sleep apnea. In one word, "exhaustion". It has not gone away.  No amount of caffeine has helped. Diet changes have helped and so did sleep(some) but I'm in the vicious cycle of being alone at night is peaceful. But no matter what dietary change, I can't seem to stick with it. The fundamental problem here is, I know what I need to do to feel better. I do.I am aware and full of insight. But why can't I stick to it? Partly because one thing I was also never taught was telling myself no. Health wasn't talked about in my house until my father got diagnosed with diabetes.And then only when my Mom would scold my Dad for eating too much junk but then go and eat cookies at midnight. Health wasn't about "It's important to eat X amt of protein, X amt of veggies, fruits etc". In my house we snacked. A lot. Also at night. And all of those things are OK. In moderation. But there wasn't a lot of emphasis on going to the Dr regularly either. Or the dentist. Which are important. And don't be mistaken. I am not blaming. But how you were raised and what kind of foundation you had as a child is very difficult to break and to change. Even if it means your very life. I don't know how to go backwards. I can only forward. If GOD allows. And all I can expect from myself is to try my very best to change the pathways that were set for me, because I know I am capable. But I have to do it for me. I have to do it for me to feel better again, and to keep on for my family. And because that is the answer. Isn't it?

Namaste

Virginia