Drained

I have a lot on my plate, to say the least. On top of which I am not where I'd like to be health wise. At all. I mean when I think about a time that I was in shape, there was more time, no kids, a full time job to keep me busy and not eating really. A lot of what kept me in shape was activity, busyness, being young and full of energy and to look cute for boys until I met my husband. I wasn't invested because I understood the food pyramid ratios and carbs and sugar. I always just ate what I wanted and was just so active it didnt matter. And the activity was available because I didn't have kids!. But over time up and down with weight. Then just gaining and gainingand gaining. Then mental Illness was diagnosed. Then kids(3), stresses of moving multiple times, deaths, marriage issues, then with weight gain comes physical health problems. Knee surgery, Inflammation, arthritis diagnosis, reflux, medication changes, carpal tunnel syndrome, IBS, and now the cherry on top? Mild Obstructive sleep apnea. In one word, "exhaustion". It has not gone away.  No amount of caffeine has helped. Diet changes have helped and so did sleep(some) but I'm in the vicious cycle of being alone at night is peaceful. But no matter what dietary change, I can't seem to stick with it. The fundamental problem here is, I know what I need to do to feel better. I do.I am aware and full of insight. But why can't I stick to it? Partly because one thing I was also never taught was telling myself no. Health wasn't talked about in my house until my father got diagnosed with diabetes.And then only when my Mom would scold my Dad for eating too much junk but then go and eat cookies at midnight. Health wasn't about "It's important to eat X amt of protein, X amt of veggies, fruits etc". In my house we snacked. A lot. Also at night. And all of those things are OK. In moderation. But there wasn't a lot of emphasis on going to the Dr regularly either. Or the dentist. Which are important. And don't be mistaken. I am not blaming. But how you were raised and what kind of foundation you had as a child is very difficult to break and to change. Even if it means your very life. I don't know how to go backwards. I can only forward. If GOD allows. And all I can expect from myself is to try my very best to change the pathways that were set for me, because I know I am capable. But I have to do it for me. I have to do it for me to feel better again, and to keep on for my family. And because that is the answer. Isn't it?

Namaste

Virginia