Division of Labor

So everyone that knows me is aware that that I am a stay at home mom. And like many stay at home moms I don't have 'my own' income. I depend on my husbands. And like some I have a limited amount of control when it comes to making financial decisions. I've attempted to change things up and thought well, I'll just sell some of my old stuff online to make a little extra money. That never happened. I even wasted $600 to buy the pampered chef kit a few years back, only to decide later on that it was not for me. I have pondered over babysitting others children but realized my own children wreck my house enough. Plus who wants to be responsible for someone elses child and risk something like injury or being sued? I've also thought about  making things, as I am very crafty. But then how would I manage to do that with 2 kids who don't nap? I envision glue all over my walls and fake flowers trying to be washed out of their heads. So there's that. So I have moments where I feel a bit hopeless on the subject.

Now, my husband makes a great living. We have a very good life. But I find myself wanting more. I won't apologize for it. Because I don't mean more money or more tangible things. What I want is to feel productive in society. To learn new things. To meet people. To feel like I am contributing to our marriage financially. And more than anything else, more freedom to make my own decisions. To go places if I so choose. And yes, to buy something if I want. Or to get my nails done. To join a gym. To take a class in something. I think this is the struggle in majority of relationships and marriages. The constant consultations needed even for something as simple as going to the supermarket. Or getting a dog. Some won't agree. It just depends on who wears the pants in the relationship or marriage.

However, the conversation here isn't necessarily about who brings more money to the table. Although that plays a huge role in the division of labor. Because one is the earner and one is not. One might feel that because they earn and the other does not, they have a say as to how much they actually have to do outside of the job. So the question here is how, as a couple who have chosen to spend a life and have a family, distribute the labor? Whether that be the woman works also or stays at home with the kid(s). Or vice versa.

Some women would say that because I am at home for example, and my husband works, I can take care of everything in the house while he's out working. My stance is I don't agree. There are many things throughout the day that I don't get to because I am doing others or taking care of 'our' children. Not 'my' children. 'OUR' children. It takes 2 to create them, and if there are 2 present, there should be 2 people taking care of them.

But what happens when the division of labor is not equal? You start to feel unappreciated. Resentful. Maybe even depressed. It can be an emotional roller coaster. What happens when one is working, then going out to dinner with clients? Or business travel? What happens when the one parent is struggling with emotional issues and still has to shoulder all that extra work with zero time for themselves? I'm not saying that is or isn't the case at my house. But I will say that we both have days where we feel that one's doing more than the other. Or sometimes we don't mind doing more. Or less for that matter. Nothing is perfect. There is no perfect formula for this. I know you have to do what's right for you. But the question here is just because one person works, and the other is a stay at home parent, does that really mean that the working party gets a free pass with helping? There are some relationships that I have known of where the man has no job and the woman is working and taking on all the other responsibilities. 

I read an article that stated that homes where both parties pitch in together have more arguments, and more strife. I attempted to find it, but to no avail. But it does exist, I assure you. In any case, I disagree. If I see my husband initiating help such as dishes, cleaning on the weekends, even taking care of the kids while I sleep in one day a week, I am very happy. There is a sense of feeling appreciated. Like he respects me for what I do and is nice enough to lend a hand because he knows how my job is just as much a full time job as his minus getting paid. And they definitely are most days. If you add up the amount of time in a day you take care of the kids exclusively and do nothing else, there really doesn't leave much time to do anything else. And the crazy thing is most stay at home parents, still on a good day, manage to cook, clean, do a load or 2 of laundry, do the dishes, and maybe even a few tidbits of chores here and there. If you have animals, it's essentially like having another child. So that only adds to it. We don't have set rules in my house. But should there be? Should there be a written agreement? I know this sounds hilarious, but far too many people out there allow themselves to be treated like hired help with no break whatsoever. 

Now, I realize that back in the day I would have been burned at the stake for thinking and speaking the way I am now. And there are still many a woman out there who firmly sticks by the 'old' rules. But times have changed dramatically(thankfully) and we should all be 'equals'. I have no problems mowing the lawn or changing a tire given the knowledge to do so. I love mowing the lawn. And if my husband wants to stay at home for a week or a month to see what I do every day, so be it. I have no problem going to work, being a part of business meetings, and even travelling every so often. Hell, sounds like a vacation to me! ( I KNOW IT'S NOT!!! ) But it isn't going to happen. So it is my responsibility when I am feeling like I am overloaded to communicate that and hope it does not fall on deaf ears. 

So tell me, what kind of situation do you have? How is the division of labor at your house? I am very curious to know. You go ahead and comment. I'll be over here eating bon bons with my feet up.

P.S. Here is a little article about the same topic from Babycenter. 

http://www.babycenter.com/0_staying-at-home-changing-relationship-dynamics_6029.bc

:o)

My 2 little teachers.

Here I am. Happy. Wow. Never thought I'd get here. Never even thought I'd say it out loud. Well I'm kind of 'writing' it though right? Hold on. (yelling, 'I'm Happy'! ) There. Now I said it out loud. But I am. It's been a rough few months. But I am more than grateful. A wonderful husband, beautiful house and 2 healthy wonderfully nutty children. I love those babies. I love them because they are mine. Because I held them inside and then was blessed enough to meet them from the start when they first saw light in this world. I love them more than I love myself. I would do just about anything for them. Provided it was legal. The fact is they are my life. Being a stay at home mom wasn't what I thought it would be. It still isn't, but I've come to realize that raising my kids is what I came here to accomplish. It was not an easy road. And my journey is far from over. It took me a while to accept. To fall in love with parenting. And I'm still not a huge fan most days. But I do love those kids. Because they teach me every day what life is all about. These are only examples of what lessons I've learned. Happy reading! :o)

Compassion: They have unconditional compassion. All they understand is that a life is a life is a life. And my daughter although afraid of most bugs, genuinely wants to meet, hold and see what all the creatures are like and why they do everything that they do. This teaches me to be more compassionate not only to animals, but to my kids. It's hard sometimes when you get caught up in the daily grind to remember to put yourself in your kids shoes. But if you do, you'll realize quickly why they are frustrated, or angry or taking a tantrum. After all, Growing up is hard to do!

Affection: It seems simple, but boy is it not. You can get busier and busier with children, or your job. Or maybe stress has you feeling grumpy more often than you'd like. But I feel so blessed to know that I have those little vending machines of love at my disposal. This has taught me to love harder. You never know what life will bring you or take away. So you have to appreciate everyone in your life. I am going to embarass the crap out of these kids some day because I will never stop hugging or kissing them.

Imagination: There is nothing better than a child's imagination. My kids astound me at the things they come up with. My daughter is so inventive, and so smart so she always combines the two. And without fail comes up with the strangest and funniest things. This teaches me that just because I am an adult, doesn't mean I can't imagine too. I can chime right in and add to the silliness which is only going to make us all laugh. And lets face it, Laughter is The best medicine. 

Patience: They surely don't have any. But they teach me every single day that in order to attempt to raise civilized, humble, loving human beings, I must bring all the patience I have to the table. Simply in hopes that my cards don't run out before the end of each and every game(day). It usually does, but no parent is perfect. We are all just on this crazy ride together. And at least that's encouraging.

Motivation: There isn't anything that can motivate you like having kids. Or maybe a 5 hr energy drink. Granted I need caffeine most mornings to get going to be functional. But the motivation I'm referring to here is to live. To see things. To go places. To be a part of society. To be a part of life. It might seem so simple to others, but I have depression from time to time. Things like getting up, taking a shower, brushing my teeth, and not projecting my b.s. onto my kids is an achievement some days. There are days I just want to crawl up in a ball and be left alone. But my kiddos have taught me that you can't live your life that way. And if you want your babies to have a happy, positive, fulfilling life, you have to get your ass up, dust yourself off, or whatever it is that you have to do and get your butt moving. They don't like sitting around doing nothing and who can blame them when there are so many wonderful things in life to experience and be a part of. So Lets Go!

Love:  There is nothing more profound and priceless than the love of the your kids. And to think, it's freely given. No matter how bad a day you think you had. No matter how guilty you feel about a spat or yelling at them or punishment it's all out of love so you get nothing but love in return. Maybe it's not immediate. But it's always there regardless. And my kids have taught me that. That they will love me no matter what. And I will love them even more. They have taught me to be accepting as those who love me are accepting of me. I am FAR from perfect and I can't possibly expect anyone else to be. 

So that's it. That's my list. I hope it makes you feel good. And I hope you like it. If not, well, I love you anyway! :o) 

-V

Surprises

Life...is full of surprises. As you all know. One day you're in Euphoria, enjoying everything about your life and then some. It's a beautiful sunny, warm day and everything is wonderful. Your children are being so well behaved and mushy, your job isn't driving you nuts, your life choices seem great and you have a sense of pride. You are accomplishing what seems like the impossible. You've spent time with friends, and family and sometimes all in the same day!. You and you partner, lover, husband, wife or whomever are in the throws of being in love. It's nothing but bliss. And everything is right in the world. Chocolate Peanut butter cookie sweet!!!  Ahhh(sighing).

The next day however......not so much. The world comes crashing down on your head. Right the Fuck, on your head. You wake up to overcast skies and rain, or just maybe overcast skies. And for someone who suffers from S.A.D. along with general depression and anxiety that's NEVER a good start to any day. Your children will not get along, and will not stop the incessant whining, screeching and even hitting each other. They will not stop following you everywhere and God forbid they allow you to get anything accomplished AT ALL. The job today isn't what you'd normally expect. Everyone is aggravating you, and you even got a good nights sleep. Prospects of going anywhere or doing anything today are grim as everyone else has a life except you and is busy or has family or friends nearby to hang out with or an actual job that pays. Your spouse is well, still your spouse and is already starting with some mundane bullshit about not texting anymore because you can't seem to not go over every month. Which always brings on the wrinkled brow with the question of  'Are we the only people in existence at the moment who don't have an unlimited plan'? Amongst many other things. Life my friends is this unpredictable. Even more so for me with all my ailments, chronic fatigue, issues, complaints. I feel pathetic, lost, and feel like a fool for not taking the time out to plan my life better. These are the days where I'd love to just get in my car and drive off into the sunset and never return. As much as I Love everyone, some days this seems just more desirable then dealing with the realities of life. The responsibilities, the tediousness, the negativity, the loss of self, independence and freedom. These are the diatribes of a Stay at home mother. I'm positive there are others who aren't stay at home moms that go through all of the above and 100 times more. But for today, for right now, it's not about them. It's about me. And as much as I have these days I would never ever leave my children, or my husband. I would never give it all up for anything. As crazy, chaotic and horrible my days can be, I know this isn't forever. And if it's one thing that every mother knows, we all need a break sometimes. So maybe it's time that I take one. One that includes lots and lots of wine. :o) 

-V

Out with the old and in with the Old!

Happy New Year!! May the new year bring wonderful things to all. Ever wonder why it is that people always complain about the previous year as if it were the plague? Like, 'Last year sucked, can't wait for 2012!' Yeah, me too. The fact is, yes, it is a new year. But how 'New' is it for everyone really? The country is still recovering from economic crisis, the unemployment rate is still down considerably, even considering all the jobs gained recently according to statistics. And there are still homeless people begging for change to get their next Jack Daniels fix on the streets of Manhattan. How much has or will your life really change as far as day to day? Not much I gather. You're still going to work where I am only assuming the same lame boss awaits your fuck up. You're still getting in the same car, or bus, or train as you did the day before your Christmas vacation began. What's probably worse, you still have not hit the lottery. However time will tell on all accounts. If I'm wrong, then you are extremely lucky. And all the more power and happiness to you. But for the majority, this is the truth. Day in and day out of monotony. Waiting for 5 o'clock. Waiting for that one thing that is going to make you forget about all your troubles. All the worry. All of the things that you don't want in your life. 

I'm not writing this to be the voice of reason or even to bring you down from the cloud that you so aptly placed yourself on from the New Years Eve libations. Or to destroy whatever dream you have of miraculously landing on a beach free of worry or financial burden. I am simply saying that I think we as a people put our expectations a bit out of reach at times. Now I'm absolutely NOT saying that you shouldn't want to be on a beach somewhere with a cocktail in your hand, appreciating your mansion. I just mean that as a whole we all have such a complacency from the drudges of everyday life that we forget what is most important. It's a sad state that you must sit down and think about what that is, to snap out of the so called reality that you've created for yourself. But it's true. And I am guilty of the same vice. Our world is stressful. Our jobs are stressful. And we are always on such a Starbucks induced high with a GO, GO, GO attitude that we've forgotten the simple things in life and what they really should mean to us. As opposed to the numb robotic coma we've placed ourselves in where those things mean nothing. What's more, to our kids. But even within my bitter diatribes, in the back of my mind all I can do is take the deepest of breaths so as not to let this moment go by, good bad or indifferent so when it is my turn to cross over I can say I lived well. Crazy....but well. 

I've written a list of things that are a MUST, every day (if at all possible) to appreciate and take in, so as to try to 'live' better. I may not be a guru on life and you don't have to listen to me. But, these things have always been a source for me to appreciate all my time here on this earth. Because lets face it, it's not exactly very long. So, here you go. 

1) Breathe - It sounds so simple. You're like what are you talking about? I breathe all day long! You probably aren't even aware of it, but when you're stressed or mad, you tend to tense up and hold your breath instead of taking normal deep breaths. This I learned from therapy. When you find you are anxious or are going through a stressful time, go to Staples, or OfficeMax and buy colored dot stickers. They will probably have them in the school section. Bring them home or to your office and put one on every area in your house that you go to most often. The phone, the fridge, the bathroom doorknob. Every time you see it, no matter where you're standing, stop and take a deep breath. Or 2 or 3. It works!

2) Go get wet - It's not what it sounds like. Perv! Get your mind out of the gutter! Although if that's what tickles your fancy and relieves your woes, then by all means, DO IT! But no, that's not what I'm referring to. What I am referring to is the rain. When you're feeling down, or going through a rough patch, go outside in the rain. As long as it's not an icy frigid rain, you're perfectly fine. Take your raincoat(aka 'slicker') and get out there and get wet! Stop, close your eyes and let it hit your face. How awesome must this feel to someone living in the desert? Or a place during a drought? Remember what it was like to be a kid. Taste it. Sounds crazy? It's far from it. We were all kids once. Happy and go lucky. And there is nothing better for your nerves than getting back to that. Go out there by yourself or with your kids regardless how old they are. When the summer is here, splash around the puddles and you'll make memories that last forever. This may sound gross to all the country folks, but I grew up in Queens, NY. And some of my fondest memories are of splashing in the gutters with my cousins in the middle of summer and in the middle of a thunder storm while the hydrants were gushing. Love it!  And hey, can't do any of this? Take a shower. Studies show that taking a shower is the same as meditation. It lowers your blood pressure, promotes circulation and promotes a state of calm. Ohmmmm.... :o)

3) Spend time with family - Not much compares. If you're a parent, your children become your immediate family. And there is no reward greater than rolling around on the floor tickling your kids,  hearing their maniacal laughter. Or see the happiness in their face when you get on their level and play with them. Regardless of what you're doing. Doing things with your kids is priceless. It makes memories and shows your kids you really do appreciate and love them. What is greater?  It does amazing things for your state of mind, and your confidence as a parent knowing you're spending time with your babies. And if you don't have kids well listen, no-one has the perfect family. No-one! Not even those that seem normal on the outside. Those are probably the craziest. The benefits are that there is that level of familiarity. A certain predictability that although sometimes boring, can be very comforting. Besides, not only will all those nutty stories while hanging out with said people give you something to relate to others about, you'll make memories. Amidst all the not so fun moments somehow you're all bonding. Most importantly at the end of the day you all do genuinely love eachother and if they were gone, you'd miss them. 

4) Turn off the Media - Despite what we'd like to tell ourselves, we are all media whores. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but it's true. We are all(myself included) are face down all day long. TV, computers, cell phones, playbooks, ipads, kindles, nooks, Playstation, Wii and all the others. Then of course, there's work. Because you just don't do enough of it 'in the office'. Sometimes, in order to get back to what's most important we must pull the plug. As hard as it may seem, it is possible. Turn it all off and go outside. Take your kids to the park and don't bring the phone with you. Get lost on purpose just to see where the road leads. Find places. Look at the trees. Marvel at how nature just twists and turns around the business that is 'us'. Watch the squirrels run around like crazy creatures chasing eachother. Bring some bread and feed some birds. Lay in a pile of leaves and look up into the sky. Think about how lucky you are to be alive. Smile at people even if they don't smile back. Sing even if you don't know how. And loud! Drop some money into the Salvation army bucket even if it's just a few nickels. Hold a door for someone. Take a leisurely drive. Anywhere. Even for a few hrs and just see where it will take you. See what adventures you can get yourself into. If you don't have the time, make the time. Leave work early with the big pile of crap on your desk. Say F it for once. Appreciate everything and everyone around you. You have no idea how much calm and peace and happiness just letting go can bring you. 

Look, the fact is, there is a child somewhere that you don't know, in a hospital bed sick, probably with cancer. And will not get to do even 'half' of the things that we all take for granted on a 'daily' basis. My own Grandmother had a stroke almost 2 years ago. Long story short, she is paralyzed on her right side and her memory has been wiped clean. Along with her ability to communicate at all. So the way I see it, and this goes for me as well. This year alot of my friends lost friends and loved ones to illness and disease. So as far as I see it, we all have a responsibility to enjoy what we are given and not take our lives for granted. Or the people in it. Life is short. It seems long on bad days. And trust me, I know it can be. But when you look at the grand scheme of things, nothing is guaranteed. Not even tomorrow. So start making this your day for change. Start small and see where it takes you. For all you know you could just find yourself on that beach by accident. Sipping on your cocktails living it up. No guarantee that it will happen. But here's hoping! Cheers! 

Happy New Year!! -V